Hi. Thanks for coming back. Apparently I got REALLLLLY lost because I was completely MIA yesterday. Sorry. Lots o’ stuff going on in the world and I was distracted.
Anyway, I know my words from the other day are difficult to stomach. When I’ve been handed a load of shit in life, I can’t stand people telling me that I’m part of the solution. I didn’t choose this pile of garbage placed in front of me, so why do I have to work to move it out of my line of vision? Well, that’s just the way the world works my friends. The cool part about that is you just get stronger over time. The more you own your life, the more you take responsibility, the more work you choose to do, the better you feel. You will have moments where you feel AWFUL, but they will be outnumbered by the good bits. Or the good parts will be SO good that even if there’s more awful, the good will stand out.
We talked a little about the caring for other humans or the state of being enraptured by another human when there is very little choice involved. In that way, we talked about the choices we can make to turn things around a little. To shift our perspective.
What about those situations where we knowingly make this choice? What about when we don’t feel put upon at all, but rather, we’ve jumped in with two feet. We want to start a family. We want to fall in love. We want to dedicate ourselves wholeheartedly to work.
In so many ways, this situation, where we have made a choice, is the most dangerous of all. When the world has foisted upon us a particular scenario and we have no option but to roll with it. What I mean is that there is a natural boundary erected in the face of our unhappiness or disappointment or resistance. I don’t mean a self-care boundary because that is usually the first thing to go in any of these situations. I mean the universe versus us. There is an opposing force. A factor “on the other side.” When we make the choice, we are in it alone. We rarely second-guess ourselves and when we do, we tend to reverse course before we commit to exploring what might have gone awry. We double-down.
Why? Well, human nature often pushes us to justify our actions. Rather than self-reflecting and asking ourselves whether we are really happy or satisfied, we seek ways to reinforce the notion that ‘of course we are.’ We reject the idea that things have gone off the rails because that would mean finding fault or flaws in our original logic. I know that I’ve often recommitted to relationships or professional endeavors for fear of being labeled a failure or facing how much time I’ve wasted. In retrospect, these decisions seem insane. Truly loony toon.
First of all, to decide something wasn’t really the best idea, admit it, and then about face, is just about the best thing you can do as a human. We all make mistakes. We all fail. We all have flaws. The good stuff is where we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start over again. No self-recrimination. No doomsday thoughts. Just oops, let’s try that again. We hopefully learn from our mistakes. Sometimes it’s better to have tried something and had it ‘fail’ then not try it at all and wonder what might have been.
Also, if we avoid moving away from something we’ve recognized as a bad decision or commitment for fear of wasting time, it is very likely that we will effectively be wasting way more time. In fact, if we stay in it, period, end of story, then we might just waste ALL the time. We will give up our freedom of choice (willingly) and bind ourselves to an existence that doesn’t bring us any joy. Or, if it brings us some level of happiness, it’s teensy.
Fine. What if it isn’t bad? Great. That’s awesome. You’ve made a good life choice. Here’s hoping we all have at least a handful of those. But does that mean we shouldn’t pay attention to how invested we are? Nope. Does that mean we shouldn’t understand the lines between us and that thing or person? Absolutely not. Just as we do when things have gone down a bad path, we justify to stay overwhelmed by a person or thing. Don’t we? I know my children are my whole life, but one day they’ll go off to live on their own and I’ll be able to focus on me. I know my work is everything, but if I can just reach a certain level of success, I’ll be afforded the ability to take a step back or down and self-care. I know my partner is everything to me but the people and things around me that I may be neglecting will understand and celebrate my happiness and be around when I’m out of this phase or have the ability to squeeze them in. Does any of that sound familiar? Are you cringing because you don’t like the sound of it or because of some level of familiarity?
I’ve been there so this is NOT a place of judgment. It never is. We fear that if we take our foot off the gas pedal, we will lose whatever that person or thing is in the way we want them. They might not love us the same, they may fail, they might feel neglected, we might not get that promotion, they might challenge our dedication or loyalty. I’m here to tell you that might be true. WHAT?! I know. I bet you weren’t expecting that. Sorry. We only dole out real life here. All of those things and more might happen, but (you know what I’m going to say next, right?) if that’s the case, I’d like to offer you a bit of wisdom coming straight out of my own life experience.
Ready? Okay.
That person or thing may not be meant to be and freeing yourself will open you up to the possibility of something else. I know that feels gross and unrealistic and scary and annoying. But, it’s true. The things that are meant to be in our lives are not held with an iron-clad grip. The things and people that are meant to be and the things and people that nourish and serve us do not require the sacrifice of our sense of self. They just don’t. They require hard work and dedication. Sometimes they require lack of sleep and they might cause a little (or a lot) of stress or anxiety. They don’t necessitate us giving up ourselves entirely. That’s just not a thing.
Here’s another secret: if you believe something requires a sacrifice in the form of YOU, then if/when that thing changes or leaves, what then? Where are you? What are you? What has happened to your identity and sense of self-worth? We’ve talked about this before but since I’ve often offered myself in this way to things and people, it seems important enough to revisit. Over and over again.
Nothing worth having requires losing everything. Nothing. No one. Period. End of story.
Is it tomorrow? Nope. Same day. But imagine the break right here. You’ve pondered my sentiments and blammo, a new day is here. Moving on…
I’ve talked about some of the different situations that force or encourage us to lose ourselves. What I haven’t talked about is what it feels like. I feel like you guys know but also, I think it’s important enough that I want to share it with you. My experience. Maybe you are in the middle of it and it’s too hard for you to identify. Maybe you’ve categorized it in a different way. We do that, you know? We brand situations in a way that feels more palatable for us.
Do you know what that rebranding sounds like? A little like this: I haven’t lost myself in my relationship or partner, we are just in the honeymoon phase or s/he is just my favorite person to spend time with or s/he and I only have this time to spend together so we have to make it work. I haven’t lost myself professionally. I just know that it’s critical to be viewed positively and the only way to do that is to always be available and willing to do anything. If I don’t do that, there’s no way that I will grow at my job. I will for sure stagnate because who could ever respect or promote someone they don’t trust to give everything they have?!
I know what you might be thinking right about now. Isn’t that just seeing the silver lining? Isn’t that just being a positive person or appreciating the good in something? Furthermore, isn’t thinking or feeling otherwise just negativity? No, nope, and hells no. But I get why you would think that and I understand that often the line between those two perspectives is fine and hard to find. The good news, it isn’t impossible and I am going to tell you what I do to keep my eyes on it at all times, or at least most of the time. I dig deep, I tune in, I really listen, and I act.
That sounds lovely but what the fuck does that really mean, am I right?
We have to dig deep because on the surface lies are great desire for everything to just be okay. Most of us don’t want change, or worse, conflict. So, our want to keep things as they are coats the entire top layer of our thoughts and emotions. When we delve deeper it is true that we tap into our doubts and second-guesses, but do you know what else we land on? Our intuition. That’s right. We access the part of us that tells us to go, pause, or stop. So, that’s the first step. We make a commitment to explore something more expansively than we may want to at first glance. We decide to make ourselves a little uncomfortable for the sake of our emotional health.
Then, we tune in. That sounds faintly related to music because it is. I won’t talk about tuning a radio because I might lose a few of you (or not) but instead, I’ll paint a picture using an exercise class or shopping in a store. I was taking an exercise bike class this morning and I had to mentally strip out the instructor’s voice to more clearly hear the song playing in the room she was teaching from. The same thing happens in a store (though I haven’t been to one of those in a hot minute). There are other patrons and employees and the bustle of shopping, and we have to dull those voices and noises to hear what’s playing over the speakers. Said basically, we have to do the work of removing other vibrations and distractions. We have to single out what we really want to hear.
Then, once we find what we were looking for, we have to listen. Right. Duh. No shit. No really. Listen. Really fucking listen. Have you ever heard what you think is one song and once you quiet everything else, you are like ‘oh shit, that’s not the song I thought it was…’ You have, right? At least once? I have. A bunch. My brain hears one thing and the reality is something different. We will often want to hear something so our brain tells us that’s what we are hearing. We want to see something so our brain overrides the input from our eyes and tells us that’s what we are seeing. We need to remove preconceived notions. We need to peel away expectations. You don’t have to make a commitment at that moment to do something about whatever it is you see or hear. You just have to be willing to see or hear what really is, rather than what you want it to be.
If you want to commit to the path, you do have to do the next part. You don’t have to do it right away. You have to do it when you are ready. Ready to make decisions that might cause pain, short term or longer. Ready to lose people. Ready to move away from situations. Ready to think bigger or smaller or differently. You have to be ready to do something and you may not know what that something is until you are facing it. You may not have a chance to really prepare for it. You might be surprised by it and that surprise might knock you right on your ass.
The tough part is that all good things in life, all lightbulb moments, all growth stories, all new chapters, usually begin when we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and commit to something new. Something different. Something that feels “better.” That’s just the way all of this works. That’s not to say that you can’t get there in the midst of feeling good, but those are different kinds of changes. Those are goals or motivating factors. Drivers. Inspirations. I am talking about the kind of change that is going to tax your soul and test your heart. You are going have to get emotional and you are going to wonder several times in the middle of it why you did it to begin with.
To unpeel yourself from another human to remove yourself from a situation is brutal. That’s just the reality. Sometimes we can’t firmly remember how we got there to begin with but it just feels so natural and normal that we can’t imagine taking a step back from it. Sometimes it feels like shit but we are afraid that the other side of it will feel worse. Sometimes we are afraid of hurting that people or upsetting the apple cart in that situation. These are all valid points and real feelings but they shouldn’t be a stopping point. You still have to move forward. Well, you don’t have to. I encourage you too. Find your power. Make a choice. If you are going to stay, then stay, but make it purposeful and understand all the ways in which it shapes you.
Just saying.
Talk tomorrow. Promise.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 