Hey there. Happy Friday. I know this may feel like an overdone moment for you but I want to talk about the feelings related to connection just one more time. Or one more time for now at least. I think it’s important to revisit because I’ve spent too much time in my life attached, too afraid to move through it or move on from it. Terrified. Broken. When I look back, I can’t believe I couldn’t pull my boots out of the mud, but it’s not in a judgmental way. I’m incredulous and sad and determined not to be there again. That’s just the truth.
I talked yesterday about really listening and really trying to sort out what your feelings and thoughts are about any person(s) or situation(s). What I want to get into a little more deeply today is what that might feel like. Besides the fact that it might feel so second nature to you that you don’t understand “what’s wrong” there is something else that begs conversation. Sometimes the feelings are so damn overwhelming that we can’t swim out of them. We are so overtaken by the emotions we have that we can’t see our way to separating from them or understanding exactly where they should be placed or how they should be categorized.
I know I am speaking in a bunch of ‘out there’ terms and using somewhat vague descriptors so I am going to try and ground this discussion.
In my last relationship, I spent a lot of time feeling like I was drowning. No, I am not exaggerating. I’ve nearly drowned before. That panic. That fear. That struggle to do something to stop what’s happening. All of it. I felt all of that. I was so on edge for so much of the time that I didn’t know how to get myself outside of it. I was worried about my worry. I’m not making light or joking around. I am being very serious here. I am being this real because I want you to understand that I’m not just writing about something randomly. I’m writing about something that is very near and dear to me. I’m writing about something that fundamentally shaped my existence. I’m writing about something that I truly hope I never have to experience again in a relationship.
I was consumed with the notion of maintaining my relationship. I was consumed with the notion of keeping my partner happy or at least preserving status quo. I was consumed with the notion of keeping his attention on me rather than having him stray elsewhere. I was consumed with the notion of not letting anyone else see what dysfunction I was in the middle of. I was consumed with the notion of doing that one thing that would make him attracted to me again in the way I needed. I was consumed with the notion that I wanted to get my relationship to look like others’ do and did. I was consumed with the idea that I wanted to get to normal. Mind you, I didn’t have a secure grasp on what the fuck normal is (more on that later), but whatever I thought it was at the time, I really, really wanted to get there. I wanted that almost more than anything.
So, much of my life was structured around the paradigm I just described. I did go to the gym. I did see friends. I did see family. I did teach yoga. But I did that and more while keeping a side eye on the spinning globe of shit I had to my right. I was so terrified that I was going to do that one thing that would topple it and then it would roll away and then I would have nothing. And then? Then I would have to admit to myself I was a failure and incapable of maintaining a normal, healthy relationship. Everything would be shitty and I would be devastated.
To avoid all of that, I worked very, very hard to maintain what was effectively an illusion. Things were not good. I was in a relationship that worked so long as I did whatever I could to make my partner feel good. It’s not that he didn’t do things for me. He did. More so in the beginning, but they were superficial things. My emotional health was totally neglected. My mental health was battered. I was a hot mess and it was obvious every time I opened my mouth to talk about what was going on. The problem was that I didn’t really talk about it with anyone but him. And when I did confide or try and broach the subject, he shut me down. I accepted his rejection because I didn’t want things to be bad. Do you see the vicious cycle? Are you in one yourself? Do you tell yourself that it’s not so bad? I did that a lot. I told myself all the time that it could be worse. He reinforced that for me too.
I am not mentioning what he did because I’m stuck on it or stuck on him. I’m not. I can assure you that although I have scars and fears, I have very much done the work to move through all of that and get to a better place. I am very happy to say that. I am sharing all of this because maybe you will see yourself in my experience. Maybe my humiliating subservience and absolute surrender will sound familiar to you and maybe you will start to shift the way you see it. I use the word humiliating not because I am ashamed today, but because I was embarrassed back then and for a long time thereafter. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to sink so low. I couldn’t believe how long I spent begging for another person’s attention or love. I couldn’t believe how lost I was. I do not dislike the person that I was. I crave something different. I revisit it not to beat myself up, but to make sure it never happens again.
We have one life. We do. We have to be able to look critically at the choices we’ve made if we want to make different ones in the future. This is so brutal but so necessary. We can’t be afraid to feel all the things. We have to be able to admit that we were or are treading water. We have to be able to acknowledge that we feel stunned by the state of things and don’t necessarily see an easy way out or through. We don’t say ‘I got this’ as we drown. We wave our arms like mad and call out for a lifeline. You are not alone. You are not stupid. You are not broken. You are a work in progress. That’s all.
The key words there are work…and progress.
More next week. Try and enjoy the weekend.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 