Hey there. Happy Monday – the best day of the week to delve into the last bit of our discussion from last week. What is the last part of all of that jazz? First of all, it’s not the very last part but just the remaining part I want to address for now. Okay, okay. So what is it? Well, the tapping out portion. Spoiler alert: this post kind of assumes that you’ve gotten to the point where you want to step out of the cycle but you don’t really know how to begin.
I didn’t know. I didn’t have a clue. I was too scared. I was too embarrassed. I didn’t want to admit to people that I felt unhappy or out of my depth. I didn’t want to walk away for all the reasons I’ve already talked about. I didn’t see a clear path in front of me. Everything felt murky and difficult.
You caught that last word, right? That’s the thing. It is hard as shit and I should have accepted that the challenging path is THE path. That isn’t a sign that one shouldn’t move forward. It is a signal that forward movement is absolutely critical. Essential. Necessary. The harder something is, the more rewarding it is, the more necessary it is.
To be clear, I am not just talking about exiting from a current relationship or ongoing situation. I am talking about the work required to break the cycle. I am talking about what it takes to do the work to ensure that you don’t move away from one thing or person only to step into something incredibly similar.
When we are used to clinging, attaching, and overly relying, how do we move to independence and detachment? What if we happen to be generally independent and free-thinking but our brain melts when we encounter certain people or scenarios? I was that person. I AM that person.
What I’ve actually learned about myself is that my resting state of independence will actually feel like a challenge to certain personalities. They will want to break me. They will want to challenge my loyalty to myself and sense of freedom. They feel threatened and they will seek to calm that inner storm by squishing me down as much as possible.
What did I do in those situations? Did I rise to the occasion? Did I combat such aggressive behavior by standing by my sense of self? Nope. I gave in. I gave up. I relented.
The good news is no matter our personality, I think there is a similar approach that does the trick. I’m afraid this is going to sound incredibly hokey and ridiculous but I’ve seen that it works and so I’m going to share it with you. You have to give some thought to what you want and then really envision it. Feel it, deeply. I don’t mean letting your brain drift off to la la land. I mean thinking about what your life looks like when you are standing on your own two feet and you connect to things or people by choice. You aren’t grasping onto things, white-knuckled and terrified. You are reaching out because a particular situation or relationship enhances your life.
I thought so many times about what it would feel like if the crushing weight of anxiety was removed from my chest. What would my life look like if I was going through my days with joy and excitement instead of hoping and praying they end the way they’ve begun. Notice the difference between those two sentiments. I wasn’t happy and wanting to continue that feeling of elation or goodness. I was praying that the universe would bestow upon me the ability to keep things the same. No better, no worse. Just exactly as they were. I thought about what it would be like to step out of that paradigm, like a pair of jeans that were in the dryer just a little too long, and into something new that felt more like the most comfortable pair of sweatpants I owned.
I thought about what it would be like to not watch every single word or throw a disclaimer onto every feeling I had or expressed. I imagined not apologizing every other minute for something. That vision was so appealing but I didn’t know how to bridge the gap between where I was and where I wanted to get to. What I didn’t realize then was the first step was giving voice to what I wanted and not wavering. Not even a little. Our wishes are the one place where we cannot compromise. That doesn’t mean that we get everything we want or hope for, but it means that we shouldn’t self-handicap or start out with a deficit. You will likely have to make adjustments but those modifications should still be your choice and feel like they are still within your comfort zone.
I completely recognize that you might be rolling your eyes right about now. This all sounds pretty familiar, right? Same shit I say over and over again. Who wants to hear this again? No one. Well, that’s why we need to keep saying it. It is imperative that we keep talking about the things that are the most difficult. The breaking of habits is one of the most challenging things you will ever do. The most problematic part is that they represent “stuff” that is deeply ingrained in us and so, even when we think we’ve kicked them for good, they rear their ugly heads.
I was just talking to a friend today and saying that ugly habits don’t bubble up to the surface when we are with someone who isn’t good for us or a in a situation that is unpleasant. Not even close. They emerge in every single situation with any and every human. They don’t discriminate. In fact, we actually run the risk of sabotaging beneficial situations and relationships that are good for us when we don’t appropriately tackle our bad habits. Clinging in a good relationship can squeeze all of the oxygen out. It can make someone feel uncomfortable. Healthy relationships encourage a sense of individuality. People enjoying a mutually advantageous and loving relationship will respect and appreciate the normal ebb and flow of a relationship. One partner losing his or her shit when things are ebbing will actually unsettle a solid foundation.
You get my point, right? We need to address what ails us so we can truly find happiness. Real happiness. And peace. This is not bullshit.
This is the real deal.
See you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 