Oops, I did it again.

Sorry everyone. I meant to post last night but I worked extremely late and then all of a sudden, it was today. Now. So, let’s double up today, shall we?

I was taking an exercise class at home the other day and the instructor said “there is no shame greater than the grace that lives in your heart” (I think it was Ally Love, bless her heart, but my memory is failing me–so feel free to touch base if you know). That sentiment profoundly resonated with me on every level. What does that actually mean?

Well, we’ve talked about the idea of shame before and its impact on the body and mind. We’ve talked about how shame can direct our actions or inactions. We’ve talked about how shame can shape relationships and color the way we see the people with whom we share our lives. The bottom line is that it is a big deal. A huge deal.

What if we look at this big deal and acknowledge that it comes from a place within us, which is to say that we ultimately have control over it. That’s kind of jarring to read, no? I mean we’ve been there before too, haven’t we? We have been in a place where we are faced with the prospect of taking responsibility for something that causes us harm or distress. 

It is obviously easier if these things exist outside of us, right? It is easier for us to stomach and digest. We can rest more peacefully at night if we decide that someone else is the one responsible for moving the mountain.

I was watching a brilliant and eye-opening video on Instagram the other day. The actor in the video is part of an anti-racism group and seems to spearhead such initiatives (@lindseyneeld). She was explaining how she felt like Biden winning the election, while hopeful, also contributed to a new kind of complacency. She believes that people who were taking up the cause for those who need it the most are breathing collective sighs of relief and taking their foot off the gas pedal.

For example, if someone was previously advocating for Black Lives Matter or women’s rights or the rights of the LGBTQ community, they might see the new administration as such a win that the work is no longer required. No longer needed. No longer important. These certain folks have a thought that the so-called enemy is out of the picture and thus, pro-active protection is no longer warranted. Is that really true though? Nope. Not really. For a variety of reasons. We can discuss the reasons but I don’t really want to get too far into the weeds here. The particulars aren’t really critical. The takeaway here is that when people feel like they can displace the responsibility of a problem onto something or someone outside of them, they will often move in that direction.

If nothing changes with the new administration, we can blame the new administration. We don’t have to own the fact that we turned our back and put all of our eggs in that basket. Not even a little. It makes it cleaner. Less stressful. Someone else dropped the ball. Someone else fucked shit up. We are all good. We can jump in and dip out at random.

But what if that’s not the way we want to go? What if we decide that rather than doing what feels a little bit more comfortable, we are going to do what feels uncomfortable but allows for accountability? What if we decide to take ownership? To be clear, I’m not saying that we have to own everything. I am not suggesting that when things fall apart, we should hold ourselves responsible for all of it. I am saying that there is some merit to looking at something from the outside and feeling like we play a role, however small or large.

Let’s loop back to shame, shall we? There are so many reasons why we experience feelings of disgrace. There is a broad spectrum that exists from minor embarrassment to full-fledged humiliation. The common denominator, if we allow such a thing, is the part we play.

I’ve had friends tell me that they are embarrassed of something.  My first question is always ‘why’? I ask them what is bringing about feelings of shame. There are so many answers to that question based on the situation but there is one common denominator which is that the individual feels what they do because of the perceptions they hold.

For example, a friend shares that they are embarrassed to participate in a presentation at work. I ask them why and they respond by telling me that they don’t feel like they will present well and therefore, their colleagues will think them unintelligent and ill-prepared. I counter by asking something that feels combative but is a genuine query. I ask if it’s possible that this person’s colleagues will have no such perception or thoughts. I ask if it’s possible that some colleagues will think the presentation went well and some will be neutral (or not care at all). The instant response is usually one disclaiming or arguing with this notion. It is NOT possible that this result could be produced. The only logical possibility is failure. They have already self-handicapped themselves into a corner. They have set forth a self-fulfilling prophecy of epic proportion.

The good news is that if they “fail”, they’ve already read the tea leaves and proclaimed this future. The bad news is that if they don’t fail, they will have likely already established an entire insurmountable mountain of self-doubt in their own head such that they don’t have the ability to recognize their own success. Thus, the good news is failure and the bad news is failure of a different kind. Sounds pretty gross and disappointing, no?

So, how do we escape this sort of fate? Well, to begin with, we take responsibility. We own shit. The first thing we take ownership of is the notion that shame is felt because of OUR feelings and OUR perceptions and OUR experiences.

I want to talk about this quickly from another angle so we are really on the same page. Okay? I am sure that you have heard someone say ‘how could s/he not be embarrassed?’ Easy peasy, mac and cheesy, lemon squeezy, you know meesy. The person who isn’t embarrassed doesn’t have the feelings that trigger the shame. Their heart is not filled with doubt or reservation. They feel confident and comfortable in whatever that thing is that someone else might cringe at.

We are going to keep on this topic, but I think we are on the same page for now, right? Shame comes from within us, not outside of us…well, most of the time anyway. More on that soon.

And by soon. I mean now.

Where should our jumping point be for this continuation? Well I think it’s a good idea to map things out generally. What do the next few days look like? I would love to talk about the difference between shame we should feel (let’s call that a conscience and not shame) and that which we should not. Then I want to talk about how other people can elicit the feeling in us. Last, but not least, I want to talk about how we can control those feelings when we want to, how we can reshape them when we need to.

So, let’s get into it, shall we?

Why would we not feel shame when we “should”? Well, for a variety of reasons that we have touched on from time to time.

More often than not, connecting to the shame of something would stop us from doing something that we really want to do.  Let’s say we want to be romantically connected to someone but they are already involved with someone else. Our moral compass tells us that we should walk quickly in the other direction. Cease and desist. Knock it off. But we don’t want to pay heed to that little voice of reason. We want to pursue that human. So, what do we do? We ignore the feelings that would make us question the decision to move forward.

Just because we quiet the voice does NOT mean that what we are doing is acceptable. It simply means that we’ve found a workaround. We’ve found a way to distract ourselves from the crappiness of something. We keep ourselves in a state of equilibrium by failing to own up to the shittiness of something. This is human nature. This is not extraordinary. Not even a little. In fact, it is pretty run-of-the-mill.

So, does that mean we can just plow forward, damn the torpedoes? Nah. I mean, we can, but that eventually catches up and causes a whole world of pain.

What we have to do is reshape how we see our conscience. When we look at a conscience and see it as a nagging reminder or annoyance, we are likely inclined to move away from it. Avoid it at all costs. But, what if we look at the conscience as a self-protective tool that is readily available to us? What if we understand profoundly that even if we don’t process the ‘why’ right away, we can have faith in it?

I want to take a pause here to explain that I don’t really love at all the idea that shame would be a motivator to do or not do anything. I always talk here about moving from a place of love and light and to encourage action as a result of something that is inherently negative feels counter to that message. Is that what I really say all the time though? Or do we always keep it real? I like to think it’s the latter. We keep things grounded here. In an ideal world, within the boundaries of a perfect situation, we proactively make decisions that shape our lives for the better. That’s not always how it works though and my story has proven that, if nothing else, right?

Actually, this whole blog started because I didn’t pro-actively leave a relationship that I should have, I was taken to my knees, my heart was broken, and I then (only then) made a choice to pick myself up and turn things around. That part of my story has been told in a few different ways over our time together but that message has been the unifying component. Sometimes shit has to get real and bad and ugly before we wake up and make the decision to do things differently. In fact, sometimes we need more than one go around. I was hurt time and again before I decided to really turn the ship around. It wasn’t my time before that time and I just wasn’t ready. And then, I was.

We would all love to believe that we can and will make the right decision without any external motivation in that way but that’s just not the way life works. We might feel a little niggling sensation in our belly but that is easily ignored when we are motivated enough. So, sometimes we have to be shamed into doing the thing we really need to do. Here’s the wrench in that whole ‘bad feelings prompt good change’ plan: while the change might be kick-started by shame, if nothing else changes, nothing really changes.

Huh? Well, I’m going to use someone else’s words because (I am NOT ashamed to admit this at all) sometimes other folks say it way better before you attempt to, and you get to stand on their shoulders.

“Our culture is very intent on making us feel bad about all the things that we don’t yet know or don’t do well, with some misguided idea that we are somehow going to do them better once we feel that way. Here’s the truth: Shame doesn’t create change, it creates fear. And, ask most world religions, step programs, the social sciences, or any life coach worth their salt: Fear is not a good motivator. Self-work must start from a place of love, acceptance, compassion, and gentleness in order to be effective. Fear-based change, if it happens at all, does not last. Eventually, we revert back to whatever we were doing before, or a part of us that’s been shamed into a corner re-emerges” (https://blogs.psychcentral.com/common-humanity/2019/09/rethinking-shame-as-a-motivator-for-change/).

Did you absorb that? We can be pushed to change things to wiggle out of the shame corner, but that change needs to start deep within us. It is not enough to end the affair, quit smoking, and tamper down on the over-exercising, because eventually, we will jump right back in, likely harder than before. The faces, places, or things might look different, but the same destructive elements exist. So, we need to get to the root of things. We need to use that time right after to grieve but also learn. We need to debrief by performing a deep dive. We need to profoundly understand how we got to that place to begin with in order to prevent ourselves from returning again once the fear and anxiety subside.

I am going to say this simply so we can all get on the same page before I sign off for the day. A heart attack might scare someone into a diet but unless that person understands why he or she neglected his or her health so profoundly before the event, they will likely circle back to not exercising and overeating junk once again. Or they’ll take up an equally self-destructive habit to replace the previous ones, that will likely cause similar if not worse damage.

This is my suggestion to you: Ask yourself why you feel ashamed. Ask yourself why you didn’t feel badly about that thing before the shame event. Ask yourself what needs to change. Ask yourself why that thing needs to change. Ask yourself whether you need professional assistance to make the changes you need to make. Forgive yourself. Move forward.

Talk to you tomorrow. Really.

L.