What happens if we are experiencing shame and it is shame that we shouldn’t feel? I am going to start with something of a silly example but one that I think clearly makes my point. I was having a conversation with someone, let’s call her mom (see what I did there?), about dinner. We were discussing what we ate. Not for any other reason than we both love food and this feels like a perfectly normal exchange. She told me that she had pizza and then proceeded to justify this choice. She hadn’t really had lunch and she had taken a long walk and so on and so forth.
You know what I felt listening to that explanation? Sad. I felt sad that she was clearly ashamed of her food choice to the point of requiring a rationalization. Before I reacted or responded, I considered the impact of my response. The last thing I wanted to do was exacerbate or contribute to the shame that she was experiencing but I also didn’t want it to go unacknowledged. It felt too damaging to just stay silent.
Let’s consider that thought process and conclusion for a moment. I thought I was doing her a disservice if I said nothing. Was I? Was it my place to offer my opinion? Am I some kind of expert? What did I hope to accomplish by saying something? Was I going to spotlight something that she would rather move through rather rapidly? Here were my responses: Maybe. Maybe. Definitely not (but doesn’t matter). To make her feel better. Perhaps. So yeah, I jumped in with both feet. BUT I did so with love, compassion, and tenderness.
I explained that she didn’t need to justify her food selection to me or for me. I offered that I didn’t think there was anything wrong with enjoying a good piece of pizza, even without the walk and clean eating that accompanied this choice. I also asked her why she chose to eat the pizza if it caused her distress. The exchange was a little awkward and bumpy, but also filled with love, and pretty productive, if I do say so myself. I didn’t put her on the spot. I just explained that while I believe there is a difference between shame we feel because of our perception of others’ thoughts and shame we feel because of how we feel about ourselves, they are equally damaging. Both can wreak havoc on our psyche and drive our actions and inactions. I ended the conversation by offering the following suggestion: Perhaps you can ask yourself how you would feel about eating the pizza if you didn’t think about it so much.
What was my point? Well, I often experience unnecessary or unproductive shame when I overthink situations. I take whatever that thing may be (i.e. eating a few slices of pizza) and examine it to the ends of the earth. I strip away any enjoyment that may accompany my decision by thinking about all the intended and unintended consequences. I could gain weight if I eat pizza, eating pizza might set me on a path towards eating other less healthy food, I might be perceived negatively by healthier eaters, etc. Again, I am using a less complicated and nuanced situation to make my point. Take relationships, habits, or other more complicated scenarios and layer in the same concepts.
The end of the story is that we create a sense of shame or embarrassment where it is unnecessary because it doesn’t serve us. I know you might feel confused right about now. Maybe you are thinking about my post from yesterday and thinking how I shared that shame can be a preliminary motivator for change, provided all the good feels go along with it. Well, as with all issues and sentiments of this nature, the answer and analysis is not so clear-cut.
What I said holds true. The ‘meh, that doesn’t feel so good’ feeling can bring an awareness that is necessary for our souls. That feeling can be a trigger to making better decisions, considering one’s self and heart, and moving away from action (or in-action) that is detrimental to growth. However, sometimes it’s a feeling that is generated from a damaged self-esteem, misguided loyalty to fucked up societal standards, or a warped relationship with another human. When the shame is generated and fed by the latter, nothing really positive emerges from it. Sure, sometimes there are lessons to learn, but they are often taught in a way that is far more damaging than is ultimately necessary.
How do we determine which is what? Well, it’s no easy task, as you might imagine. It takes thoughtful consideration. Sometimes it even takes a journal entry. We need to be able to critically explore our feelings to get to the bottom of where they are coming from and whether or not we will ultimately benefit from the impact.
Am I ashamed of eating pizza because we live in a society that reveres thinness and over promotes “clean eating”? Am I ashamed of eating pizza because I am interacting with a friend who has radically different eating habits than I do and I don’t want him or her to think less of me? Am I ashamed of eating pizza because I have been trying to eat a bit healthier lately and it feels like falling off track? Am I ashamed of eating pizza because I haven’t taken care of myself in a very long time and this is yet another reminder of my self-neglect? I think, or hope, that you can tell how nuanced these questions are and how you might determine whether that shame feeling is productive or destructive.
When we indulge shame that comes from a place of self-hate, we do not learn and flourish. We fail to thrive. We spiral out. We firmly plant ourselves in a negative and unproductive headspace. And so many of us do just that. Outside of feeling that way myself many, many times, I cannot even accurately recall the number of times I remember saying to a friend “there is no reason for you to feel embarrassed.” Countless times.
We are human. We are imperfect, flawed, delicious, messy beings. We make mistakes. We get off track. We make bad decisions. This is humanity in its more pure state. We would be remiss if we did not heed the warnings provided by shame, but we would also be completely lost if we assumed that every bit of embarrassment was a call to modify and regroup. Do you understand?
Sometimes a piece of pizza is JUST a piece of pizza.
Talk tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 