How do we identify when others are triggering shame in us? I know that seems like a silly question to ask because for most of us, there are many situations that would fall under this umbrella that are pretty straight forward and obvious, right?
I tell a friend that I’ve texted or called a man who hasn’t been very nice to me and she asks what I was thinking and I feel mortified and regret my decision to do it or my thought to share or both. I express to a friend that I can’t indulge as much as I’d like to because I’ve been more off the rails with my eating as of late and she responds with disappointment that I won’t be able to properly enjoy the plan we had in place. I tell my mom that something happened at work that sent my anxiety sky high and she asks why I am allowing myself to be baited or surprised, once again.
Those are just three examples but I think they solidly make my point. In each, I have described my action or inaction to another human and they have responded in such a way that paints my decision with negativity. There isn’t a good deal of examination required and there’s no real gray area. I am not saying that there is anything intrinsically wrong with the reactions I just described. In fact, the reactions are mostly coming from a place of care and love. At least in the way in which I’ve experienced it. That’s not to say that someone can’t be coming from a place of jealousy or judgment but that’s a discussion for another time and place. I was interacting with humans that had my best interest in mind (even if that best interest ultimately benefited them in some fashion) and thus, the exchange was meaningful, or should have been.
I know I am the disclaimer queen, but I think it is important that I mention that the virtue or intention of the message delivered doesn’t necessarily determine the meaning or impact of their message. If some part of us is open, or some part of us trusts the messenger, or some part of us is ready, then the exchange holds weight. Alternatively, if we are not ready or willing, then the exchange can be tainted with some modicum of negativity. The lesson or take away here? Be open. Be ready. If you aren’t, then be patient with yourself but try and keep in mind all the good things that come when we are willing to be taught by the universe (and those who love us).
What about less productive or malicious shame sessions? Well, god knows those happen too. If you have no other examples that come to mind, you might want to take a spin through any conversation you had with someone on the “other side of the fence” during pre-election days. I’ve exhausted that topic so I won’t bore you but needless to say, there were a lot of ‘how could you’ and ‘do you have any idea what you are doing’ flying around. In addition to a trillion other horrendous interactions. The same can be said for relationship decisions. I KNOW you’ve been there at least once, even if it happened to be in your teenage years.
In fact, I was recently speaking with some lovely teenagers, and I do mean charming in the most real way possible, who were boldly expressing disapproval over other folks (and each other’s) friend choices. Not in a forgiving, loving, kind of way. In a wtf are you thinking kind of way.
I am not saying that these expressions or exchanges are or were not valid. Not anything like that. It is just that those particular sessions, and others that resemble such, always come from a bad place. Sometimes they do. Sometimes folks feel threatened and sometimes they are just being downright rude. However, sometimes they are coming from a place of good and have lost the ability, for one reason or another, to communicate their thoughts in a loving fashion. Perhaps they feel frustrated because they’ve seen the behavior before (habit!) or maybe they are just having a bad day.
Unfortunately, it can be more challenging to process a message when the delivery isn’t top notch but that’s when we have to put our big boy or girl pants on and move forward. What does that mean? I think you know, but I’ll explain. Sometimes we have to get over ourselves. Maybe an interaction isn’t warm and fuzzy but who cares?! We need to pay attention to the message more than the tone. We need to recognize that someone doesn’t need to handle us with kid gloves for us to have a good learning experience.
Anyway, before we wrap up here, I think it’s good to talk about those exchanges that are a little less obvious. I want to touch on messaging that requires a bit more sensitivity or a heightened awareness. Exchanges that prompt or spur shame in a more covert fashion can be as simple as someone responding with an “oh, really?” That individual has decided not to come out and share his or her full feelings with respect to something but they’ve found a way to dribble in some disapproval. Just a little sprinkle of “oh” can clearly convey a “what the fuck are you thinking?!” Another example? If someone says “if that’s what makes you happy” or “if that’s what you feel like doing”. Sure, those statements can be uttered in a way that isn’t negative, but they can also be painted with a less positive brush.
Again, you might be thinking how helpful it is to have information that could really go any which way. This is where you have to use your intuition baby. And yes, you will definitely fuck up. You might be feeling uber sensitive and so you take something the wrong way. Perhaps you’re having a dense kind of day because you are overtired and you don’t pick up on cues. Shit happens. More opportunities to grow and learn. That’s just the way it works.
So what is the take away here? Plug in. Snatch up those more obvious changes to process a different point of view as well as those that might be a bit more subtle. Be open. Also, don’t be afraid to reject someone’s perspective if it doesn’t suit you or the place you are at in life. Just because someone offers up his or her opinion does NOT mean that you have to take it to heart. Judgment. Lessons. Time.
Be patient with yourself.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 