Today might be the most challenging part of this discussion. How do we reshape? How do we change? How do we meaningfully process what the universe has delivered to us? I started to drop a nugget or a hint yesterday where I explained to you that patience is required. You need to be patient with yourself. If I had a dime for every time I overreacted or didn’t pick up on someone’s hint, I’d be a far richer human than I am today.
The good news? I am wealthy when it comes to the lessons I’ve learned. I am affluent in the realm of acquired knowledge. I’ve had to hurt a bunch of times along the way, but it got me to where I am and that’s really okay. I feel stronger and better apt to tackle the world and all the shit that swims around in it. Sorry, not a pretty image, but true, and truth is what we peddle here on The Path.
So, the first step, as you might imagine, is sorting out what is useful and what is just an unpleasant interaction with another human. You cannot base this decision off the relationship you have with that other human. It is not that easy. The people closest to me have annihilated me or misjudged me from time to time. In the same way, I’ve learned valuable lessons from people who mean next to nothing to me.
You can look at the person and who they are and their intentions, as you understand them. If someone is often jealous, malicious, or a user, then the likelihood that they are spinning you some useful wisdom is fairly slim. I did say unlikely, not impossible. Some of the worst people to ever cross my path taught me the most about myself. It’s true. I wouldn’t pick up the phone and call them to say thank you, but I’m not above saying it in my head. My gratitude is more so directed at the universe but that’s neither here nor there. Thus, at the end of the day, the message is more important than the human who delivers the message.
That is an easier concept to process in theory than in reality so I implore you to treat yourself kindly. It’s easier to lose perspective when someone is very close to us or we’ve historically had issues with a person. You will absolutely make mistakes. I have. I will. It’s cool. Move on. Focus on what’s important. Get back to the message and how you choose to let it impact you.
I think it is detrimentally important for me to explain to you that I think feeling like shit should not be on the agenda. Taking a situation that brings about shame and using it to clobber yourself further is extremely counterproductive. Again, easier said than done, but that’s the reality. You can spend a lot of time in the corner shame spiraling or you can explore what changes you want to make to feel better.
Although these life modifications can come in many shapes and sizes, I will tell you that generally they fall into two broad categories, as follows: Short-term and long-term. I am not going to shit on either of those choices in case you were expecting that response from me. You might have thought I’d tell you that short-term changes are not impactful in the grander scheme of things but that’s not even a little true. Sometimes we need to make short-term changes to get us through that immediate period. I like to call it emotional triage. Or sometimes those short-term changes, when clumped together, are representative of baby steps in the proper direction. We can’t tackle the major change just yet, so we inch closer to it in the way that feels more palatable. Kinder.
I cannot stress enough that choosing a long-term change just because it seems like the right thing to do is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. You know what I’m talking about. I’m sure of it. I’ve historically made these rather large proclamations about what I intend to do and most of the time, I’ve set myself up to fail. I no longer say things like ‘I’m never talking to him again’ or ‘I’m never going to let that upset me again’. And in that case, I can say that I never say stuff like that anymore. Did I just spin you around in a circle? Too many double negatives or phrases that resemble such? I get it. I don’t set grandiose goals that seem far away and unreachable. I set smaller goals that feel navigable and then I expand as I go. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t undersell myself. I make my goals challenging and I make sure that I’m reaching to accomplish them. I just don’t create scenarios where I am repeatedly setting myself up to fail.
I’m going to use the lamest but most profoundly relatable example in the book. I share my life with someone who may not be the best choice for me. A good friend has shamed me with respect to my continued interaction and I have also felt shame all by my lonesome. Prompted by yours truly. I could tell myself that I am going to cut this person off and never talk to them again. I will probably last a day and then that sentiment will erode away and I will be left feeling like an abject failure, having made no progress to boot. Boo. No thanks. What I can do is say I’m going to make myself a little less available to that person in order to create space where they don’t exist. I might even start smaller than that. I might set a goal like I’m going to wait at least 12 hours before I respond to that person’s attempt to communicate with me. Maybe you feel really judge-y reading that statement I just made. That’s sad for you because I have no doubt that you have your own struggles and challenges. But you know what, I am not mad about it. I just wish you luck. Also, I wish for you a whole boat load of compassion. Try that on and see how it feels wrapped around you.
Anyway, I’ve used shame to push me towards a little baby step that feels manageable and realistic. Then I can turn the 12 hours into 24 hours. And then the one day turns into two days and then a week. And then before I know it, I can clearly see the space that this person doesn’t occupy and how much freer it is. You feel me?
If you aren’t ready to take baby steps, then exert some control over the narrative. You don’t have to deny the existence of the shame. You can acknowledge it while also determining that it’s not the time to take action. Of course, it is my strong recommendation that you pre-determine a time to pick it back up again and stick with it (i.e. I cannot give up cookies every day during COVID but I also can’t wait for a vaccine, so let’s go with February). Controlling shame is like controlling every other emotion. It takes tapping into one’s intuition, determination, hard-work, perseverance, and lots of patience and self-love. If any of those are in short supply, come back again and we’ll keep at this thing until we get there.
Repeat after me: you deserve love and peace.
Talk to you Monday.
L.
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