Happy second day of the longest week. Maybe not for you, but for me. Anyway, happy Tuesday folks.
I want to dig a little deeper into the concept of not confronting folks with your feelings. I think it’s important to really explain this concept because it needs to be crystal clear so as to not be applied more broadly than is appropriate. It is very important that each of us can speak our minds when it makes sense. It is important that when you are in a relationship you are able to communicate in an open fashion. It is detrimental to one’s sense of self that one doesn’t allow themselves to feel like a doormat.
It just so happens that there are times and relationships where that interaction and that situation will bring nothing but grief.
Maybe you’ve never had this experience but I’m fairly certain you have at some point with some person. Sometimes the relationship can’t stand any sort of interaction of that nature and sometimes that particular topic is taboo. You will have to sort that out for yourself and then also decide whether the topic that is taboo is so important to you that the inability to discuss it actually has the same effect and tanks the relationship.
I have one relationship where I’ve expressed myself several times but I learned something really recently and it was profoundly difficult to fully absorb. My words were wasted. I couldn’t get through to this person and worse, the continuation of our interaction in that way provoked a response in me that not only am I not proud of, but caused me severe regret, and therefore, pain. I found that I was literally talking to myself, asking myself why I decided to open my big mouth. I was genuinely annoyed and puzzled that I couldn’t seem to restrain myself. That’s just it though, I couldn’t and can’t with this person, because something about them brings that out in me. I don’t even know if I can pinpoint it. There are so many reasons. So many examples.
There is a whole other component to this that I want to get into, but that’s not for today. For today, I want you to understand that I was pissed off that I couldn’t seem to interact with this person and not feel sad, riled, upset, and anxious. I wanted to get to neutral, but I couldn’t. To that end, it was hard for me to figure out why I was so desperate to continue the friendship.
When I sat down and really thought things through, it was pretty clear that this person didn’t really care about me in the way I need to be cared about. I don’t ask for a lot from my friends, but I felt pretty comfortable that I fit into the puzzle more as a matter of convenience than choice. Really. This person has questioned my loyalty and friendship time and again. They’ve made statements about me and my life that are hurtful and quite frankly, inaccurate.
I’ve never asked for someone to love me in the way that I love, but it is clear that I am in a different stratosphere than this human. They utter the right words but their actions tell a very different story.
And yet, I engaged. I engaged. I engaged.
I questioned and challenged. I explained myself. I apologized. I beat myself up for doing all those things and then I did them again. Terrible and also, kind of embarrassing, but also, an important part of my journey.
It has been clear to me lately that I am still trying to prove something. I don’t want to be the person who fails at a friendship. I want to be the human who gets along with everyone. I am not saying I need everyone to like me. I know that is not even within the realm of possibility, nor do I want or need it to be. I am saying that once I’ve connected to another human, the prospect of making the choice to let go feels scary and unfamiliar. I am scared I will miss that person. What will I miss though? Will I miss the toxic nature of the interaction? Will I miss how I regret so much of what I say and then a whole bunch that I hold back for fear of rejection?
You know when a person should hear your truth because they ask for it. You know someone should hear what you have to say when they meet you halfway. Even if the responsibility is not 50/50 for any given situation, they are still willing to stand in the middle and hash it out with you. You know when someone is willing to push aside other needs and wants to get to the bottom of what is broken. It really is that simple. I have relationships where my counterpart was comfortable living in discomfort. They knew something was broken but they feel cool dancing around it or dipping in and out enough that they don’t feel the full burn of the situation. That is NOT someone worth fighting for, that much I can promise you.
The conversations you decide to have will not always be easy. They will be messy and loud and uncomfortable. You will occasionally have to leave them feeling unresolved and then come back to them again. This is the way this thing works. I am not saying leave the relationships where things are difficult and keep the ones where things are easy peasy. The truth is, some of the easy ones are dysfunctional in their own right or they might be so meaningless that there is no depth to even explore.
You just have to do the work to figure out the difference. You have to ask yourself what feels like progress and potential and what feels like an endless rabbit hole. I know you might be shaking your head, but if I can sort it out, I know you can. I make mistakes sometimes. Actually, a lot. I make mistakes a lot, but that’s just being human. I’ve gone back to situations that I know aren’t great for me because it wasn’t the right time for me to break away. I mean, I know that now. At the time, I just convinced myself that the particular relationship at issue was worth saving. It was that simple. I’m not going to let go because THIS THING is worth hashing shit out. But is it? Really?
I wish I could give you more of a chart here. I wish I could give you hard line markers so that the figuring out bit is easier. I can’t. But I can tell you that I have faith in you. You got this. If I do, you do. End of story.
L.
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