Before I even jump into this week, I’m going to tell you that we’ve been here before. We have. That’s just the honest truth. We have discussed this issue. I am just facing it anew and so, I’m bringing it up again. I think it bears repeating, but if you are over it then feel free to bounce and come back next week. This is a no judgment zone and I really mean that.
I’ve had situations with three different people in the last week whereas I had to face that I am still meeting people where they are when it comes to my relationships. For all my talk and all the work that I’ve done, I am still moving mountains to reach people who are standing in place.
It’s hard for me to figure out whether I am more frustrated because I haven’t made more headway with this whole thing or because I am feeling all the feelings because I am still stuck in that place. Hard to say and I’m not sure it really matters if I’m honest. I do not think that there’s any great benefit derived from beating one’s self up. I do think that we need to give ourselves a kick in the ass sometimes to make sure that we keep moving through things. We need to keep ourselves accountable so we don’t slip into bad habits.
There is one tiny bit of progress that I made and I want to share it here. Not to pat myself on the back or give myself any great accolades. More because I think it’s beneficial to recognize the ups and the downs. The progress and the regression. All of it. That’s the full picture.
I used to feel really tempted to tell people everything I was feeling and thinking. I wanted them to know. But why? If you ask me, I might tell you that it’s because I want us to get on the same page, but god knows that’s not true. I rarely get to the same page with people in these particular situations. The reasons vary based on the individual or the relationship. There is a sort of arrogance behind it though. Of that, I am sure. I want people to not just feel my absence but to full comprehend why I’ve backed out the door. But why? Am I going to teach them a valuable lesson? Am I in a position to do so?
Maybe. Maybe I know a few things that I can impart to another human and vice versa. OR maybe not. Doesn’t matter. It’s the same reason we should shy away from providing unsolicited advice. Unless someone asks you why you are leaving or why you’ve left, keep your dignity intact and just fucking leave. I mean it. You don’t have to leave quickly. You don’t have to leave slowly. Exit at your own pace. BUT, unless someone articulates that they are dying to know why you aren’t around or enthused to hang with them, keep that shit on lock down.
There are so many reasons to keep things on the DL and I intend to dive into some of that with you. I acknowledge that keeping things close to the cuff sounds counterintuitive based on everything we chat about here, but I promise you that it is anything but that. Not even a little.
More often than not, you will get into an argument with that other person. You will. They will be pissed off and rail against what you are saying to them. I’ve been there many times with many people, so trust me, I am speaking a fairly universal truth. Even the most meek or quiet tempered person will rise up with fiery words and spirit when faced with any sort of accusation.
If I say to someone, you keep saying you want to see me but you do nothing to make that happen and to the contrary, you seem to prioritize everything and everyone else, they will defend their position. They will explain why that perception exists and will endeavor to correct your wrong thinking. Here’s what I’ve learned though: even if you are overreacting or overthinking or misinterpreting, sometimes your gut is telling you that the person in question is NOT for you. They trigger you. They upset you. They make you feel disregarded. Even if some of it is in your head, there is a reason why you feel that way with them and not with others. Do you know what I’m saying? Sometimes it’s okay to think it’s not really you, it’s me. And that is that.
If they don’t argue with you, you might still find yourself flailing. You might feel weakened by your general sense of empathy and maybe even affection for that person.
There is someone who I enjoy bantering with and we’ve generally enjoyed a relationship but also, generally speaking, he’s an asshole. A grade-A, insensitive, rude asshole. I’ve gone back time and again. I’ve explained to him how I feel and what I need. POINTLESS. A waste of fucking time. What I needed to do was realize in my head that our interaction is toxic and there is literally no reason for it to continue.
When I have expressed myself, he is either super charming and talks me out of my “mood” or he’s a giant witty asshole and I find myself at a loss for words and a defense. One or the other. Furthermore, when we emerge from a conversation that feels productive, we always end up back at square 1 within a pretty reasonable period of time. That’s just the way that it works. Then I just have myself to blame.
What is the good in that, I ask you? No good. Pointless. Regression central. Sadness. Hurt. Disappointment. In myself, in that person, in the universe. I am not being cute here. It’s fucking terrible.
There is a way out. Courage. Resilience. Determination. Loyalty to self and sanity.
I want to finish by fleshing out the third of the three situations I referred to earlier. We are going to keep coming back to these so I think an intro is necessary.
There is a person in my life who just doesn’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated and he’s super fucking casual about it. It’s not even a justification kind of situation. It’s just really chill. In the coolest way possible, I am not so gently slid to the back burner. And then, to the front. And then, to the back. I’m along for the ride and pretty quiet about it. Except my mind and my heart. It’s not so silent in there.
So, that’s it. More tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 