So remember I said there was a little catch that I wanted to discuss? Maybe not, but I’m about to refresh your memory. It’s how fucking proper I am. How polite. I know, you might be chuckling right now, especially if you know me. I’m not always soft and gentle. Not by a long shot. But I am unfailingly polite.
My boss asked me to draft something last week and then he asked me to remind him if he had requested the formal address presented in the correspondence. I laughed and told him that he hadn’t, it was just my default button. I will usually throw out a mister and missus before I call someone by their first name. This is the same reason why it is difficult for me to keep conversations short or ignore communication without addressing it.
Even if I know talking to someone (I am including texting and emailing) is going to be a complete fucking train wreck, I have a difficult time stopping myself from explaining why I am keeping things short or light or non-existent. I am SO polite, right? Nah. I’m arrogant. Who the fuck am I to do that? It’s not like I’m telling that person I don’t want to talk anymore or that our relationship has reached its end.
I delve into a lengthy explanation as to why things might not be working in that moment. Sometimes I might not even be wholly truthful. I mean there is truth buried in there. I might tell someone I’m tired and I am definitely fatigued but that’s not the reason I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to talk because I am sick of the bullshit back and forth. I am over the conversations that feel like work. And not the productive kind of work that generates a favorable result at some point down the road. A shitty kind of work. A waste of time kind of work.
I tell myself that I don’t want to hurt that person’s feelings because I don’t. That much is true. And yet, who the fuck am I to make that determination? Maybe my shortness or slow pull away is even more brutal. Maybe having a conversation to understand why I’m doing what I’m doing is cloying and annoying and a waste.
I cannot stress enough that when you want to be polite to another human, you should just be polite. Dictionary.com defines polite as follows: “showing good manners toward others, as in behavior, speech, etc.; courteous; civil.” It doesn’t say polite means you have to be friends with someone forever. It doesn’t say you need to maintain a relationship when it no longer serves you. It doesn’t say you owe every single human an explanation for every single move that you make. None of that is in that definition. Good manners means you don’t just ignore someone. It means that eventually you say to them, I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore.
Fuck. That sucks, right? I want to be clear that I’m not being flippant about this at all. I’m not there yet. I did it with one person. One of the three. I am still struggling with the other two. Mightily. For completely different reasons. Well, the same but nuanced. I care greatly about the other two. They are unhealthy relationships for entirely different reasons but then also, the same. Both relationships boil down to the same feeling for me: I don’t feel good about myself when I interact with both of these humans lately. I am meek, impatient, judgmental, short, and honestly, unkind. I am. I despise feeling all of those feelings and yet, I’ve stuck myself there. And for all of the wrong reasons.
I am afraid of hurting people. I am afraid of letting go. I am afraid that I am not making the right decision so I am terrified of having regret. I am scared that I am not reading the room correctly. I am annoyed with myself that I can’t just modify to make it work. All those things and so much more. That’s really the truth. I just can’t seem to get myself right side up again. I am in the spin cycle and it’s one of those shitty apartment building washers that takes three times longer than a normal one does. I’m peering out through the soapy glass and begging someone to come open the door. But they can’t. Only I can. And I can only do it when I’m ready to.
I spoke to a girlfriend last night who is in a similar situation. She knows that a particular relationship is no good for her but she continues to entertain it. She continues to entertain that human. She feels bad but she said she doesn’t know how to break away from it other than geographically relocating herself. Maybe you laughed at that. I didn’t when she said it to me, because I’ve been there. Oh my gosh have I been there. I wanted the strength and resolve but no matter how deep I dug, it was just never on the other side of things.
I told her the same thing I’m going to tell you and myself. You cannot do the thing or anything until you are ready. Even when we are “forced” to do something, if we haven’t gotten there yet, it doesn’t stick. We can’t effectuate meaningful and long lasting change in our lives unless we’ve processed why that change is to occur. It doesn’t matter what anyone else things. We don’t need to live in a headspace where we worry about judgment. In fact, our energy is best spent ensuring that we are cutting ourselves some slack.
Outside of committing to something more feverishly when we have accepted it, there is also the notion that we are giving ourselves time to make sure that we are assessing the situation appropriately. Sometimes we aren’t ready because our intuition or something deep within us is telling us that we are acting from a place of high emotions. We are not seeing things in a clear and rational way. That does happen you know. It does for me, more often than I would like. Sometimes we are struggling with something completely unrelated and it’s easier to blame a particular relationship (particularly if its tumultuous) than to face that other thing that we are struggling with even more so.
None of this is easy. It’s messy and sloppy and you will make mistakes. You just have to do the best you can. I know you might roll your eyes, but that’s just it. The best you can. Nothing more, nothing less.
Have a happy Thanksgiving. Really. Cherish who you love. Fuck, cherish yourself.
I’ll be back in a coupla days.
Talk soon.
xo
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 