Hi. I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving, if you celebrate. Or a nice weekend. Or all the nice things. I want to continue the discussion about relationships today but I want to incorporate the theme of gratitude.
When we have difficult or challenging relationships and we are doing the work to sort them out and figure out next steps, we often fail to appreciate the relationships we have that are easy. We overlook the people in our lives that are just always there. I myself have done this and I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of this.
We only know the sweet through the sour and vice versa. Our good relationships set the bar and yet, we fail to give them that credit. And yet, there is something entirely lucky and magical about good relationships.
I’ve actually started to make an effort to acknowledge those friendships and relationships in a rather radical fashion. I don’t wait for special occasions. I let those people know how much I appreciate them and I express to them how grateful I am for the positive impact they have on my life. Sometimes they laugh a little but usually, this is met with happiness and love. People like being recognized. People like being told that they mean something. People like feeling like they are not being taken for granted.
This all sounds very sunshine-y and while I’d love to roll that way this entire holiday day, you know we can’t do that here. We have to get into the nitty gritty a little more than you might like if we are going to learn something.
As I stated above, I have from time to time, overlooked relationships that are rock steady solid for me. Not often though. I have many other flaws and faults, but that is not usually something I default to with any regularity. I have done it though and it bears mentioning. Honestly, I did it more at the end of my relationship than ever before. I was so terrified of losing my relationship that I pushed aside the other friendships I had fostered over the years. I wanted to be readily available for the human I was involved with and I just sort of imagined that everyone else would understand.
Now I realize how incredibly shitty that was but at the time, I was so wrapped up in my own fear that I couldn’t see my way outside of it. I can promise you on these pages that I will never do that again. To be clear, I still saw friends and maintained my relationships, but not with any sort of enthusiasm. I fit my friends in around my relationship schedule. In fact, if my boyfriend told me that he might be available, I went out of my way so that I would totally available. No guarantee? No problem. I cancelled and rescheduled and scheduled around. It was gross and insensitive and silly and by the way, didn’t work at all, because I lost him anyway. Oh, and I never should have been with him to begin with but that’s a tale for another time (or from a previous time). The bottom line is that I lost perspective. I assumed that I had so much goodness in the relationships I relied on, that those folks would stick around. And for the most part they did, and god bless them, because I did NOT deserve that. They should have bailed. They should have run screaming. They should have demanded more. I will NEVER do that again. I’ve learned my lesson. But it is not beneath me to admit that I learned that valuable lesson by hurting people who mean the world to me.
However, I have been on the receiving end of that scenario more times than I care to admit. I have been shifted and shafted and pushed aside. I have been taken for granted and people have taken advantage of me. I’ve tried to give people a wide berth, forgive them, and give them a chance to right the ship because I clearly recognize from my own experiences that there are situations that people get wrapped up in. However, it depends on how long it goes on for, how close I feel to that person, and how many times I feel like they do it to me. There are people that have pushed me aside for work (completely acceptable), relationships (sort of acceptable but depends on the circumstances), self-care (always okay), run of the mill wants (meh), and better offers (FUCK YOU). I try and be thoughtful with how I handle these situations, but I recognize that it is detrimental to my emotional health to allow these things to go on too long. If a person hasn’t been that offensive, it’s not such a bad idea to just back off for a period of time and allow them to come to their senses and come back. If there’s no acknowledgment of the behavior, BYE. If there is, move on from there. Hopefully, like me, they’ve learned.
It is important that we lift up and treasure the people that we share our lives with because not everyone has someone. That’s just the truth. It’s also important to recognize that a life share is a choice. Outside of being a little kid with a guardian, we have decisions to make in life when it comes to who we invite in. And that in itself is an important lesson. We should remember that being friends with someone or being involved with someone is a choice. It’s not a given. We choose them and they choose us.
I used to feel differently. I had categories. Family, friends, significant others, neighbors, et cetera. These days, it’s all one bucket. I think of my relationships like I see a wifi connection. I have to choose whether I renew my lease and connect. I don’t have to. Maybe I feel like things are smoother when I don’t connect. Maybe I feel opposite. I have to give it thoughtful consideration in order to come to that conclusion. It has to be something that is worked through. That is just the truth.
This life will present us with many situations where we have to do things out of obligation. Where we feel a burning responsibility beyond what is chosen. We will have things placed upon us and we will have to rise to the occasion. We will also be faced with shitty people and shitty relationships that we need to move away from. With that in mind, doesn’t it make sense to lift up and celebrate the jewels in our lives?
No? Yes.
Talk soon.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 