Happy day after the day back. Did everyone have a good Monday? I usually dread the day after a longer break. I know, boo hoo. I suppose that is a pretty ignorant or tone deaf sentiment. We have massive unemployment and hunger in this country. We have working families and broken families and sick families and untraditional families. There are people everywhere who don’t have the luxury to whine about the reentry after an extended weekend.
I got to spend my long weekend with my parents and virtually connected to some super close friends and relatives. I am lucky. I can bitch about ‘the day back’ for sure, as can you, but I should keep in the back of my head that good fortune. That kind of awareness goes to the notion of appreciation that I raised yesterday. We should be extra thankful for whatever we have because likely, even if it seems like shit, someone else has less. Has worse. I’m not going to go on and on about that, but doesn’t hurt to say thank you one more time, does it?
Now that we’ve done that, let’s go back to where we started, shall we? I am still finding myself on the other side of the tug-o-war line when it comes to relationship management. I am being pulled way over, far away from my side, and I can’t even swear to you that my heels are dug in trying to prevent it from happening. To the contrary. Part of me feels sort of complacent if I’m honest. I feel like I am just along for the ride here. I am hoping and praying that the people I care about do the right thing by me and when I see that they might not be doing that, I’m still just hanging in, which is not good. In fact, it’s really, really bad.
Of course, what I’m describing here is the action that led to me getting really hurt before. I was annihilated. So why oh why would I do this all over again? Habit. Fear. Complacency. All of the above. I can do better though. I want to do better. The thing is, even if it feels better or easier to do things this way right now, down the road it leads to so much more pain and agony and ultimately, defeat. It’s complete shit. No good. I can do better. You can do better. WE can do better.
This really all boils down to the same thing for me and although I’m loathe to admit it, it’s the truth and that’s all we want to spin here, okay?
I was proudly wearing a sweatshirt on my run this morning that read ‘more self love baby girl.’ Aw, that’s cute, right? But I don’t feel that. I don’t do it. Not really. If I felt like I deserved love, I wouldn’t continue to allow these relationships to linger that don’t serve me. I just wouldn’t. That wouldn’t even be a topic of conversation. I would cut those people out like what. But that’s not what’s happened. Something in me, deep down inside, doesn’t believe I’m worthy.
I know. Here I am, peddling the path to worthy, and I don’t feel worthy. But I want to. I really, really do. Something deep down inside of me, where it counts, wants to get there. And I’m doing the really hard work to get there. I am working my fucking ass off to get there. I am making tough decisions. I am taking baby steps and yes, I am throwing myself a goddamn party with each one of those baby steps. I am keeping myself plugged in and motivated. When I make a mistake, I don’t throw myself into the a dark, spiraling hole of depression. I just brush myself off, count my lesson, and start over.
I do hold myself accountable. Not in a self-loathing kind of way. In a grown up, I want to live a better life kind of way.
I am doing the best I can and that’s all I can do, and that’s the most I can ask you to do. I do meet some people where they are. I was doing better with it and I’ve regressed. I forgive myself for that and I feel like my turnaround time is going to be a lot shorter this go around. Honestly, that’s all I can hope for and all I want.
I look at some of the relationships I’ve had hanging about and I know that I want to shed them. I know that I won’t miss them and the saddest bit is I finally realize they won’t miss me. But even if they do? So what. They don’t serve me. Those people don’t deserve me. I’m grown beyond them. It’s so hard to say goodbye. It’s hard to make that decision without being angry or self-righteous. It’s so tough to make that choice while feeling calm and measured. That’s when it really counts though. That’s when we aren’t operating from a place of runaway emotions and measured time. We are truest to ourselves when in the silence we can look in the mirror and say ‘more self-love baby girl.’
There is nothing I can do about the mistakes that I’ve made but I can try and not make the same mistakes over and over again. I can say that I don’t have the capacity, the brain power, or the room in my heart to carry some relationships. That doesn’t make me a failure. I am just keeping true to who I am as a human. That’s pretty fucking brilliant actually.
We’ve talked before about who you would be if you didn’t have to obsess over what the world thinks of you. We’ve discussed the notion of the sense of self without the basis of comparison; to other humans that we know or against societal standards (many unrealistic). That’s just it. All of this runs together. All of this connects. We have to look at the big picture. We have to revisit some of these issues because we will be faced with them again and again. Relationships will go south. We will change. Our needs will change. Our tolerances will change. Life will throw us obstacles. We will have to decide who we want standing around us as the dust clears.
It’s easy to look out in the world and appreciate the cushion of people surrounding you. Thank god for such a vast network so I don’t feel so damn alone. Can you rely on those people though? Can you call them in the middle of the night? Cry on their shoulders? Are they good being there for you so long as it fits into their paradigm? Does that work for you? Maybe it does with some people or maybe it doesn’t work for you with absolutely anyone. I can’t write a formula for you. I can only encourage you to revisit your own formula from time to time to determine whether you still have the proper ingredients for a fulfilling existence.
I’ll tell you one basic element we should all include…more self-love baby. More and more and more.
Talk to you tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 