Once we identify that something is awry, what do we do about it? How do we process and move forward? Not an easy task, that’s for damn sure. Outside of all the other traps, it’s like holding your finger close to a flame. As soon as you feel the heat, you’re less inclined to keep it there. As soon as we have a taste of the potential pain a situation will bring to us, we are less likely to get in there.
Few of us, and I’m including myself in this pile or categorization, will be like ‘oh this seems like it’s going to feel like absolute shit, so I think I’m going to plow straight into it, damn the torpedoes.’ The more likely response is ‘wow, that seems messy and painful so if I do anything at all, it will be tiptoeing around the outside until I get a better understanding of just how shitty it might be, and then, only then, might I contemplate stepping closer.’
You aren’t shitty or weak or lacking in courage if I’ve just described you. You are human. Most of us do what we can to avoid pain. If we know the processing of something is going to feel awful, then we try to avoid working it through. We do everything we can to skirt around that particular action. We convince ourselves that if we hold out longer, the pain factor might diminish just enough to make it all more palatable. We tell ourselves that there is a possibility that it might even go away altogether or perhaps some component will change so materially so the result is far different than what we are currently envisioning it to be. We weave stories to make things feel better prophylactically. Sadly, that’s not the way this business of living works.
You know that. I know that. We do all these things because we are scared. We are tired. We are frustrated. We do all the things we can do to avoid the onslaught. There is no avoiding it and like 99% of the time, the wait makes it worse, not better. Sure, some things could diminish in time, but I’ve found that they are often replaced by other problems. We don’t get away with total avoidance. Or we do and we find ourselves running full force into a brick wall of shit.
I know. That sounds really pessimistic or dark. It’s not, really. It’s reality. But in case it sounds yucky, let’s lighten things up a little. When you decide to do something proactively, it always has a positive impact. It might be down the road. It might be hard to identify or recognize at first, but it’s there. Waiting in the wings. Your willingness to knit things together that don’t feel great and work them through, will give you the kind of emotional freedom that in unparalleled. It can be a little scary, for sure, but it’s good stuff. I promise you that. I can’t reassure you in other ways, but I know that working shit through is better than letting it sit. Always. Every. Single. Time.
But how do you begin to do that? How do we face that kind of pain? How do I let the goodbye sink deep into my heart and soul? How do I push those types of emotions beyond the surface to something deeper and more profound? How do I force them to resonate with me?
I tell myself that I am not really feeling what is happening, so I’ve identified the disconnect. Now I have to figure out a way to plug everything back in again. Negative to positive. Well the first bit is accepting that it is going to hurt like hell. Not saying this is going to suck but it’s no big deal. Everyone goes through it. It is what it is. None of that. You don’t need to ice a shit cake. You just need to look at it sitting there and admit to yourself how utterly revolting and disappointing it is.
The second part and quite frankly, the most important bit, is to forgive yourself. I know that sounds confusing. You might be thinking that you didn’t do anything so what’s to forgive. Well, I hear you but how often have you found yourself apologizing for your grief? Don’t just spit out an answer. Carefully consider my question. You know you have. You feel terrible for being a burden, for being messy, for overreacting to things because your heart is breaking or underreacting to others because you don’t have the bandwidth to give a fuck about anything else. You are angry with yourself for breaking up over something. You’ve never been there? Come awnnn. You have. I know it. If you haven’t, I’m here for it and proud of you. You are evolved beyond a point I’ve reached. I’m not there yet. I have to be upset with myself for being human and then I have to forgive myself.
I tell myself that I am allowed to grieve. I am allowed to be mad and sad. I am allowed to be really over the universe and the load of bullshit it dumped at my doorstep. This is the truth my people, in all its raw glory. I have to pardon myself before I go any further.
The last part is doing it. When I was going into say goodbye, a person I love dearly looked at me and said ‘brace yourself.’ It was a great kindness and came from a place of compassion and awareness. It’s like telling someone to hold onto their fucking hat. Get ready because it’s about to be blustery and stormy and shitty. This is going to feel bad. You are going to be scared and heartbroken and feel all the feelings. At once. Without a barrier or the ability to control it.
So that’s it, my friends. Call it what it is. Give it a name. Make it something you want to change. Know it’s something you need to face. Want to take on. Give yourself permission for whatever you feel as a result of the decision to move forward. Give yourself a pat on the back for being brave enough to do the thing you have to do. Need to do. Then buckle up buttercup. It’s ugly and mean and will feel like shit. You’re going to have to hang onto yourself dearly until you push all the way through.
That’s the jam.
Have a good weekend.
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