Hey there. So, we’ve decided that we want to figure our shit out. Good for us, right? That sounds fantastic but the practice is different than the so-called commitment. The idea that we want to do something is a vast ocean away from the action of actually doing it.
Before we get to getting there, I want to reverse a little. I want to go back to a concept or two that I introduced but didn’t really expand upon. Specifically, I want to talk about how I feel when I speak my truth or historically, how I’ve felt when I have spoken my truth. I also want to discuss the reasons why I feel this way, or my fear. Then, once we’ve tackled those bits, we can get to the figuring it all out part.
It feels inherently logical to discuss the fear first and then the feeling. The origin and then the result. Right? Well, God knows I’m anything but commonsense in that way, so I’m going to discuss the feeling first. I am going to discuss the feeling first because it is a feeling. Great. WHAT?! Well, they are both feelings but my fears are deeply rooted in my experience with other humans. With friends and family and significant others. My fears have even emerged as a result of people I barely knew. There is a cause and effect sort of thing that goes on when it comes to my fears.
My feelings or immediate reactions or responses to speaking my truth comes from a place of experience, but there is something more basic and innate about it. It is not something I mull over in my head. It is not something that I think about at night or even write about very often. It is a gut punch. It is that clammy hands, belly-aching, headache provoking kind of feeling. It is my body responding to a thing before I’ve had a chance to fully comprehend it. It is a deer-in-headlights sensation in the truest sense of the phrase.
You might be wondering what the fuck the difference is and why I’m spending so much time getting into the weeds here. Well, the reason I am exploring this a bit more intimately is the understanding that the sensation I am describing, is the very definition of habit. The thoughts I have before the conversation or long after the conversation stem from my other interactions with that person or others. What I feel just as or immediately after the words are leaving my mouth comes from long cultivated conditioning. That is crap that’s been ingrained in me. Instinct. Which means, drum roll, it is a lot more challenging to change.
Not impossible. Just challenging. How do we do it? Where do we start? Well, I’ve found that it takes two distinct actions. One, you have to get to the bottom of why that particular habit was created and cultivated. Two, you have to do the thing enough that the habit proves fruitless or counterproductive. If you want to get your hands accustomed to hotter washing water, you better be prepared to wash a lot of fucking dishes. There are no mind control measures that I am aware of that are going to get you there. You have to stick your hands in that hot water over and over again until it doesn’t feel so shitty and unbearable.
Part of the reason why I react so badly to honest emotional conversations is because of the piss-poor experiences that I’ve had. Part of the reason is that I’ve been conditioned to soften conversations to take others comfort into account, to prioritize their comfort, even if it means making myself really uncomfortable.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that the way to “fix” me was to have super brutal conversations with anyone and everyone just to test my comfort threshold (and theirs). I’m just saying that when I was faced with these conversations, I had to bite the bullet and move forward. Even when I was scared. Even when it meant certain risk, like loss or vulnerability, or both, or more.
I’ll get to more of the ‘how do we fix this’ part but I first want to describe in a little greater detail what I feel. This is not to test my ability to poetically describe my most raw and honest emotions. This is because I think the description of such things makes it more relatable, or not. For you to connect with this conversation, for you to see these traits in yourself or in others, you need to really understand what you are reading, what I am really talking about.
As I’m talking to someone and telling them how I really feel, I feel hot. Like a red-cheeked, burning ears kind of hot. A sweaty hot mess kind of hot. Embarrassed. I feel humiliated. I’ve let the cat out of the bag and now it’s so far out, I’m never getting it back in. Not with coaxing or treats or promises of yarn balls. It’s out there and there’s no turning back. For this, I am deeply regretful. Scared but also, filled with remorse. If only I could have kept my damn mouth shut. If only I could have just kept on keeping on.
I also feel like my words have multiplied in the most useless way. I use ten words to describe something best described in five. I trip over my words like hurdles dropped on the path in front of me. I repeat myself. I explain what requires no further explanation. I say ‘do you know what I mean’ fifty times and apologize no less than one hundred times. I want to disappear. I want to be rescued. I want to take all the words back and start over. I feel panicked. Terrified. Frustrated. I am angry with myself that I just had to say something and I am pissed with that person for making me question myself as I have. I wonder why I couldn’t just walk away, having never said a word. I say a quick and silent prayer for reassurance, understanding, and justification. I tell myself that there is a way to make this better. To take it back. To go in reverse. To make it nice.
We can’t though. Make it nice. You know that, right? To make it nice is to not have a voice. If you commit to not having a voice, you better find a nice tent on the side of the path because there’s no vacancy for you anywhere along the way, and I promise you this much, it’s tiring as hell if you never take a breather. More tomorrow.
L.
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