I feel like I’ve apologized before for my taste in music but in my epic attempt to stop apologizing for shit where I shouldn’t be, #sorrynotsorry. My musical attraction runs the gamut and yes, I like a good pop song now and then. I connected with a good deal of Ms Gomez’s new album, so there is a distinct possibility you will see another song on this blog at some point. For now, I’m just going to drop these lyrics for your reading pleasure.
You were running through me like water
Now the feeling’s leaving me dry
These days we couldn’t be farther
So how’s it feel to be on the other side?
So many wasted nights with you
I still can taste it, I hate it
Wish I could take it back, ’cause
We used to be close, but people can go
From people you know to people you don’t
And what hurts the most is people can go
From people you know to people you don’t…
“People You Know”- Selena Gomez
I am going to make a statement that might initially read as dramatic, but I promise you it is the absolute truth. You ready for it? Okay. This concept, this idea of people going from someone you know to someone you don’t, might be the hardest pill that I have ever had to swallow. Of all the painful shit that I’ve been through in my life, I have the most difficult time coping with this phenomenon. And let me assure you before you start to wonder on your own, that I have literally tried everything short of hypnosis. I’ve been therapized, I’ve read many a book, I’ve glanced at several thousand motivational quotes, and I’ve journaled like it is going out of style. Didn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. Cool. So, am I just sharing a hopeless tale with you just in time for the holidays? Nope. You know me better than that. Or do you? (See what I did there?).
The crazy part about this situation, the “changing person”, is that the changing comes in so many forms and levels of severity. Clearly, there are more benign examples that are not as damaging, but I’ve still found that they are upsetting. Moreover, they are often the first sign of a much greater unraveling, though not always. Then there are the earth shattering, life moving scenarios that knock you on your ass in that special kind of way that requires a complete reset. A do-over. Major heavy-duty soul-searching.
I say we start by delving into some of the more harmless examples and we can build on that shitty foundation. Okay? Good.
Have you ever been with a really good friend or a significant other and you are at a restaurant or with a group of people (shit, do you remember what that was like?), and they make a statement and you are instantly like “um, scuse me?” Like they say that they really like a certain cocktail or food item or express that they’ve always wanted to scale mountains in Tibet, and you find yourself looking at them like you are deeply entrenched in some episode of invasion of the body snatchers. My homeslice who likes all the fruity drinks is expressing a deep adoration for whiskey straight up? My lover who always turns down dessert says he always has room for tiramisu? What in the actual fuck is going on?
What I’ve found occurs more often than not is that there is some part of us that wants to instantly dispute whatever it is that they’ve expressed that runs contrary to our understanding of who they are as a human. Literally. They say that they love chocolate ice cream and we want to laugh, list out loud every single ice cream flavor we know they actually like, and describe no less than three situations where they turned down an offering of chocolate ice cream.
You know what comes next? Well, I can tell you what’s next for me. I feel angry and sad, or some combination thereunder. I feel totally betrayed. How could I not know this thing that is being shared? I know all the things. How could I not know THIS thing? Why was this kept from me? Is it because it isn’t real? Is my person just being nice or friendly or engaging or relatable? Or is this something that is a recent development? If it is super current, why wasn’t I there for the revelation or why hasn’t it been shared with me since it happened?
Laugh if you must but there is a legitimate reason why we feel this way, why I feel this way. Our relationships, the good ones at least, are built on a foundation of information and trust. What do we do when we meet another human for the first time? We trade facts. I like this, this, and this. These are the places I’ve been, these are the places I want to go, and these are my dreams. Here are all the things I despise and these are the reasons I don’t like them. We swap facts like a commodities exchange and we use that information to build a person. We construct the inside of what we see externally. Outside: brunette, gorgeous blue eyes, and strong shoulders. Inside: never wanted to be an accountant, secretly yearns to be a travel blogger, loves grilled octopus, and hates flan. Humans have an image but they really take shape when we begin to weave the story of who they are and what they are made of.
Not only do these facts help us see someone in the way in which we do, but we feel something when we learn these things. We feel special. We feel unique. Sure, everyone knows my boyfriend but not everyone knows that he talks in his sleep, has a fear of bunk beds, and loves cream soda. Those little tidbits are reserved for me and it is that “secret” that creates an impenetrable bond. When I discover that other folks know or are learning something about my person that I don’t know, then I begin to question what I do know of my person. I begin to feel utterly ordinary. I begin to wonder if what I know is true and real and solid. I question things. I question everything.
I am going to talk about how that questioning is not such a bad thing, but for now, let’s agree that it sucks shit and it is basically the equivalent of the end of the world. We don’t just question the relationship and that person. We begin to question ourselves. We crumble when we learn that our best friend is allergic to sesame seeds because how the FUCK could we not have know that? Who is this stranger that has walked beside us for so long? More on this tumble through hell tomorrow.
L.
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