2020. The End.

“In conclusion, there is no conclusion. Things will go on as they always have, getting weirder all the time.”

― Robert Anton Wilson

Hi. How goes it? I am sorry if you thought I’d be back yesterday and then I just bailed on you. In truth, I’m going to take a few more days off. This is not because I don’t have things to say, but because I am doing some serious self-work right now. I mean I am doing some super deep digging. I am not analyzing who I am right now to more thoughtfully craft resolutions. If you remember anything from the end of last year, you might recall that I am not the resolution type. It’s not that I don’t think we should set goals or challenge ourselves. Not at all. And it’s not because of that self-help mumbo jumbo where I monotonically murmur that you should care for yourself every day of the year (though you probs should). Nope. It’s just because it’s not my thing.

That feels like pressure to me, unnecessary, unwarranted, silly pressure. It’s the same reason that seeing Thanksgiving shit in July doesn’t make me anxious and Valentine’s Day shit in December doesn’t make me weep. I may have subscribed to that line of thinking at some point in my life, but I’ve departed from that by now. It was a careful and deliberate departure. I peeled myself away from preconceived notions and the societal implications of such one baby step at a time. I’m still doing it. If I look down, I’m sure there’s a corner of a pinky toe hanging on somewhere. But at the end of the day, I’m mostly there. You know what the funny bit is? It mostly happened in the last month. True story.

I didn’t have a revelation while staring into a beautiful winter sunset or feel a sense of peace come over my body while meditating. Nothing like that. I just dealt with so much shit from people and situations that I hit my ‘this far and no further’ point. I am not even talking about 2020. That hasn’t even entered the equation. I am not even touching on COVID, the election, and all the other crazy shit that has completely hijacked this year. I am just talking about my very personal experiences with friends and loved ones. I am talking about what I found within myself when I was forced to peek.

I was talking to one of my oldest and closest friends via video messages the other day. I rambled on about what I was thinking about and she responded by telling me that I should document those thoughts more formally in writing. So, I am. I listened. I heeded. I respected. And believe it or not, it directly ties into this post, my thoughts to wrap up this year.

I was telling my friend that I find myself questioning everything lately. I find myself looking at those constructs or relationships or traditions that have been a part of my life for a very long time and seeing them in an entirely new light. I want to touch on the relationship bit in another post, so I’m just going to stick to the tradition part. If I’m fair to this topic, this will not just be one post, but it is certainly a good place to start.

Okay, so what gives? Well, I think it’s easy, whether in the throes of a pandemic or not, to mourn what we don’t have or cannot access. I think our desire for the same old is so pervasive that even when a ritual no longer serves us, we cling to it. We search for it. What helps is that society generally reinforces this notion and this behavior. THIS is how you celebrate things. THIS is what you do. THIS is who you see. THIS is what you eat. THIS is how you act. THIS is what you say. Our traditions are a mish mash of what we know (what we’ve learned/been taught) and what we’ve supplemented those “things” with given our existing situations. Meaning, our parents or guardians showed us the way, and then we grew up and sorted out how to fit others and geographical distance and resource constraints into the equation. We adapted. But do you know what DIDN’T happen when we adapted? We didn’t grow a greater appreciation for the thing. Why? Well, because it was accessible to us. Even if modified, we could access the thing in a way that felt comfortable, familiar.

Outside of people’s general selfishness and some insanity, I think that’s why people are acting a little crazy-town right now. They don’t have a burning desire to contract a virus. They just cannot fathom letting go of what feels safe. They don’t know what their world looks like if you remove the bits and pieces that constitute their infrastructure. It is that what makes them, them. Does that make sense?

It should. I KNOW you’ve seen the posts, or viewed the television reporter, or read the article. Things are just not the same this year….

Right. We get it. Here’s the crazy thing though, we didn’t feel motivated to use the loss as an opportunity to cherish and find something new, something special. We used the situation to be mournful. To be selfish. To be upside down. Well, some of us did that. Some of us, did not.

You know what the best part is? It’s not too late. This is me circling back to resolutions. I told you I get back to where I started. You just have to stick with me.

Resolutions are a look forward. We make statement and declarations for who we want to be and the life we want to lead. I want to be skinnier. I want to be more fit. I want to eat healthier. I want to spend more time with my kids/parents/friends. I want to get to know my neighbors. I want to be promoted at work. You get it, so I can stop now.

I am encouraging a look back and a celebration of the present. I am suggesting that you can use these precious moments to reshape your life in a way that doesn’t commit you to something forever, but gives you joy for a moment or many moments. Sure, people have posted memes about appreciating their family units more than ever, but what does that really look like?

Thanksgiving was celebrated by mom, dad, and me this year. We made a full spread, complete with dessert. We started with breakfast and the parade and ended with Baileys topped brownies. It was a spectacular day. It was resplendent with love and a deep sense of gratitude. We were aware of who we couldn’t see or what we couldn’t do, but those thoughts were non-starters. They had no bearing on the day. They had no place in our hearts. We recognized that we could take the days of 20+ person Thanksgivings and hold them in our hearts as the most beautiful gift; memories. We could see how this new, smaller, quieter, more fragile gathering was warm. Cozy. Heart filling. We were happy for health and full bellies. We were grateful for employment. We were appreciative for time to spend together. Little things. Big things.

I vowed on that day to hold those feelings close. To not set them free like a lost balloon, but to lock them away, where I could always reach them, but they would never be stolen from me.

As we let go of all the things that bog us down, the grief, the missed opportunities, the untaken adventures, the waylaid plans, we find ourselves. We find love. We find friendship. We find our passion. We find new traditions. We MAKE new traditions. We appreciate more. We share our gratitude more freely. We smile. We love. We love. We love.

Things WILL always go on as they have and they will definitely get weirder all the time.

Buckle up. Reconsider. Rethink. Modify. Be brave. Go forth and love hard.

See ya in 2021.

Much love.

L.

P.S. Thank you Beth. This one is for you.