Hi. Happy Tuesday.
What happens when we wake up and we don’t recognize the person beside us? I mean that in the loosest and most general sense. What if we are left, like I was? What if we are abused? What if we are manipulated? What if we are yelled at or cheated on? What if we are forced to face someone who has changed to the point where we barely see a glimmer of the person we knew and/or fell in love with or befriended?
Outside of my disastrous relationship experience that I’ve shared (more than one actually), I think it is meaningful to share two friendship scenarios. I’ve had more than my share of surprises lately when it comes to my friendships but these two were particularly difficult for me.
In one situation, I had an interaction with a friend that basically reaffirmed every insecurity I’ve ever had, but then I was able to pull myself out of it and smack myself back to reality. In the other situation, I felt that uncomfortable, but wholly familiar situation of chasing after another human. Actually, if I’m being real, both friendships were giving me that chasing sensation.
In both situations, I felt incredibly close to the person in question. The friendships were radically different in a million ways but there was that common thread whereas I had crossed that imaginary line with both of these people. They had become part of my inner circle. I felt like I could be entirely myself with each of them. I told them my stories, shared my concerns and anxieties, and didn’t hesitate before calling to celebrate some good shit going on. I didn’t worry about how they viewed me. At all. Ever.
I want to be clear that this lack of worry was and is not correlated to me taking these folks for granted. To the contrary, I was deeply grateful for their friendship. I was very conscious of and sensitive to the notion that they accepted me (or so I thought) for who I was, and so no matter what hiccups we ran into, that was a pervasive underlying theme.
I also want to clarify that the story I am going to share with you is not a cautionary tale that should push you away from ever trusting another human. Nope. I mean, I get it. It is incredibly hard for me to trust people at this point in my life. But, a bad experience should not create an entire paradigm whereas you erect a series of impenetrable walls around your heart. You should just absorb the story for what it is, an opportunity to be a little more conscious of who people are and what they are offering you. And no, I don’t mean what they are literally giving to you. I am referring to those tenuous but magical threads of emotional connection. The good stuff.
Anyway, all of a sudden I felt more self-conscious with these individuals. One of them pulled away from me in a rather dramatic fashion which in turn, triggered my insecurities. The other was incredibly inconsistent. When we saw in each other things were pretty great, but the in between…complete and utter shit. I don’t just mean that we didn’t connect as often. Not even close. I mean that I was suddenly interacting with a Mr. Cool. Hard to reach, impossible to read, and of course, gifting me with his time. Blech.
I had to take a step back and look at these relationships anew. Did I want to lose these people? Not necessarily. Maybe, but not decidedly. Did the good outweigh the bad? Hmmm, I’m not sure. I don’t have the answer to that yet. That’s a big ole TBD. I knew I had to shift though. I had to shift my relationships with them in order to get myself back to equilibrium. More than that, I had to do the work to shift myself away from the crappy feelings that I was experiencing as a result of these interactions.
Ready for the ugly and raw truth? The conversations and interactions I had with these two friends left me feeling: wanting, needy, annoying, bothersome, clingy, unreasonable, and dramatic. That sounds like the makings of a good situation, right? Nope. Not even a little. No relationship should ever hang around if those are the feelings it brings to the surface.
I knew that I had to do the work to see why I was able to be triggered but I also knew that things were not good with these two friends. Not at all. And I’ve already shared here that I’ve made a commitment to rethinking my friendships as of late.
I had someone recently tell me that the action of not responding to a communication or the thought to exit out of a friendship is rude. It got me thinking. Is it rude when I decide to back away from something that makes me feel bad or uncomfortable? Is it my duty or job as a decent human to stay connected to someone or something that hurts me so that I don’t hurt them? Holy shit. No. It is easy to get wrapped up in that idea for so many reasons. We are brought up to put up with shit. We witness our parental units or guardians putting up with shit. We are lonely. We are desperate to check a box. We think that one friendship or relationship is going to be the cure all for our woes and disappointments. No. No. No. No. No. Nope.
I believe we should be honest in life. I believe we should be kind. I believe we should be compassionate. And the most radical of ideas, I believe that we should be all of those things to others and to ourselves. I think we need to balance. I think if we are offering friendship or connection as a consolation prize or because we feel badly, we are not doing that person any favors. We aren’t being kind. We are actually being quite selfish. We are concerned with an external perception and so, we are throwing someone a bone. Excuse me, but just who the fuck do you think you are? You are special as hell, but no one is THAT special, you feel me? You are not a better person because you pity connect. You are just afraid.
So, the bottom line: let go. Let go when you should. Let go when you need to. Let go forever. Let go for a period. Let go. We have discussed letting go one thousand times and so let me reiterate for 1,001 that it is so fucking hard. But for goodness sake, let go.
I want to finish this discussion by explaining the reasons why you shouldn’t let go forever, sometimes. I am going to take a long dive into that one tomorrow. For now, just sit on all of this goodness.
Talk soon.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 