Hiya. I’m sorry. You might be bored of my musical explorations by now. Well, sorry, not sorry. I’m not going to stop. I can’t stop. I don’t want to. Music is a rather large and profound part of my life and I find that different lyrics often resonate with me. What is sort of incredible is that certain songs find me at exactly the right time. Or, I just happen to hear a particular song differently when I am dealing with something or feeling something. Also, I figured we’d end the week on a high note (no pun intended).
I know that I told you that I have some thoughts about this week, but I’m not ready yet. Soon. Just not yet.
Anywho, let’s get to it, shall we?
The Medicine- Sam DeRosa
Still remember the night
When you walked in your socks to the bar
‘Cause you gave me your sneakers
Still remember the fight
When I carry my heels, I go back
Makes my head and my feet hurt
Am I, am I
Oh, why am I comparing?
What I, what I got, what I had? I swear it’s
Like every time I think you’re out of my system
I start reminiscing
You were the high and you were the low
Is all of the history keeping us close?
Was it that good and I just didn’t know?
Am I in my head again?
Some love never dies
But where does it go?
Is it finally time that we leave it alone?
Are you the wounds that won’t ever close
Or are you the medicine?
Maybe it isn’t right
That your memory still lives in a box
On the floor, in my closet
Maybe it isn’t right how you left
Though I kept all the good parts
I’m still kinda haunted
How do you know when it’s over?
Is there are a moment when the feeling fades?
How do you know when it’s over?
I hear your name and I don’t feel a thing
Fuccckkk this one really got me. This encapsulates what many, many years of my life have looked like. Kidding myself, lying to myself, being dishonest with others, resting my laurels on hopes and memories, and being too fucking scared to change a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. Don’t get me wrong as most of the time I talk a good game. Well, at least half of the time I do. If you caught me on a 50% upswing, I would tell you that I was making better choices to ensure that I protected my heart, preserved my sense of self-worth, and maintained a clear conscious. The other 50% of the time, I was circling the drain. I was making excuses, running from the hard work, and perpetuating the worst kind of habits (and cycles). It felt like crap but it also felt incredibly familiar. My return to the scene of the crime (self-harm) was like a warm blanket on a freezing cold night. Comforting, cozy, and exactly what I thought I needed. Of course, the truth couldn’t have been further from that delusion, but what do I know? More accurately, what did I want to know at the time?
Do you want me to answer that? Everything. I knew everything. I ignored all the things but I knew them. My gut, my heart, my brain. Each bit and part of me that was functional and had experienced the world and deeply felt the aftermath of my bad decisions, screamed at me on a daily basis. Run. Or if you can’t run, then walk. Tip toe until you are far enough away that things don’t feel so bad. I didn’t though. I stayed put. I would love to tell you that I didn’t know any better or any differently, but I did. The thing is, whenever I moved to the other side of it all, I felt so damn scared. I felt like I was sitting alone on the edge of a cliff, one gust away from free-falling. I was forced to put all my eggs in my own basket. I was faced with having unwavering faith in ME. I couldn’t handle that. I didn’t trust me. I didn’t think I was strong enough. And so, I folded. Over and over again. I went back. I contacted. I reached out. I took back all the things I said. I pretended like the declarations I had made didn’t exist. I did this over and over again. I did this so many times that I imagined my heart crisscrossed with battle scars of the near permanent variety.
In fact, if you had asked me if I was capable of moving the metric and changing, I likely would have told you no, I wasn’t. I would have given myself credit for the changes I have already made (cue slow clap on the back) but I would have explained that those took everything I had and I had nothing left to give. I felt like I had already lost so much. I was happy for all that I did and who I had grown into, but that was about it for me. I would continue to grow emotionally, but when it came to my relationships, the growth would look different. I would recognize red flags for what they are or were. I would have a shorter learning curve when it came to moving away from people who caused me pain (new people, that is). I would be wiser about what I needed and wanted. BUT I would not extend that wisdom to the people I had already chosen. I wasn’t about to let go of the people I had already. I wasn’t about to make my teeny circle decidedly smaller. When I spoke about saying goodbye and letting go, I would do that in instances where the people were relatively unimportant and the stakes were low. Or perhaps when the person had so annihilated me that I really didn’t have a choice. Cool, cool.
Not good enough. Not by a long shot.
I didn’t think less of myself and I didn’t beat myself up. Well, not in a purposeful manner. I did do so inadvertently. How, you ask? Well, I continued engaging in the same way with people. I continued to move forward with relationships that caused me pain, made me question my sanity, or generally made me feel like shit.
Before we go any further, I want to be clear that these situations I am going to discuss with you are/were not always reflective of terrible people on the other end of the equation. Not even close. If you can believe it, and this point is critical, what I had to do has less to do with who they are and everything to do with me owning who I am and what I want and what I need.
Did I repeat a mantra and reread a journal entry and meditate and decide to peacefully turn the page? Nope. I hit something of a rock bottom. I was incredibly pained. My heart felt intense and unrelenting pain and I knew the only way to ease that pain was to make some incredibly hard decisions. It wasn’t simple but also, it was.
Talk to you next week when we continue this exploration. Have a good weekend.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 