I was going to head back to my regularly scheduled programming today. That was my intention. But then, life threw me a curveball. Then I was knocked onto my ass. Serves me right, eh? What’s that saying again? We plan and G-d laughs. You might not be a religious sort of person. Truth me told, neither am I. And yet, that sentiment is entirely fitting and very relatable.
I’ve spoken before about the idea of identity. How do we identify ourselves? What categories do we place ourselves in? When someone asks us who we are, what is our go to? Do we speak to the roles that we play? I am a sister, daughter, neighbor, and co-worker. Or, do we speak to our core values? I am kind, generous, patient, and loving. Maybe we immediately think about all the things we have accomplished in our lifetime. I am a graduate school student, avid hiker, enthusiastic traveler, and dedicated yoga teacher.
Is it possible that our identity is a combination of all of those things?
Is it possible that how we think we identify is actually far from the reality of the thing?
I’ve always said that I’m a good employee. This is not arrogance on my part. This is truth. I am loyal, diligent, hard-working, and if we are really getting gritty, I ask for very little. I can work autonomously without a hitch but have the self-awareness to touch base and escalate as needed. I’ve discussed before how I can be rough around the edges in some professional scenarios, but I can also confidently share that those sharp elbows are reserved for when it really counts. I put ‘em up when needed. When necessary. When useful. I may not be the most popular gal on the block but I always, and I mean always, get shit done.
That said, I’ve never defined myself by my profession. If someone asks me to describe myself, the last place my brain goes is what I do for a living. It takes up so much of my waking life and yet, it’s not at all who I think I am. Well, until today.
Today, when I was made to feel small and irrelevant, I felt the entire tenure of my career on my shoulders. Today, when I felt silenced and worthless and disregarded, I felt every minute of every day of every year that I’ve given. Today, when I realized how utterly unimportant I am in the greater scheme of things, I felt profoundly how much of myself I’ve given. So much. All of me. In so many ways. Too many ways to count.
So, I ask you now, as I did back when I wrote about this concept last, what happens when you lose the thing that makes you, you? What happens when that thing has become far more important than you ever imagined or gave yourself credit for? What happens when the silly throwaway things you’ve spouted in frustration, like ‘they don’t give a shit about me’ become so real that you can’t unsee them or unknow them, no matter how hard you try? What happens when your foundation is shaken so significantly that you feel like you can’t trust anyone in a place where you spend SO. MUCH. TIME?!
What happens when you are faced with all the feelings but above all else, the fear of loss, the realization that little can be done, stares you down with the most withering and brutal of gazes?
I can sit here and tell you that there are a lot of shitty people in the world. There are. There are selfish, self-serving, mean people. People who will cause you harm, deliberately or accidently, in order to preserve themselves. People who will disregard you because they feel forgotten, maligned, or mistreated. You are not even the cause of their pain, but you are the baby and the bath water and every damn thing in between. I know this because well, I’ve dated some of these people. I’ve been friends with some of these people. I’ve run into some of these people.
But what if things shift so powerfully that you look around and the shitty seems to overwhelm or outnumber the good? What if you are spending all of your time trying to take stock of the good because it feels like that is slipping through your fingers at an alarming rate?
I know, this feels like a sad, black hole. It isn’t though. I’m exploring what happens when the shit hits the fan and causes something of an identity crisis. Something happened to me (that thing is not wholly relevant) and I had to face how important work has become to me and how much it influences my life and how fucking bad it hurts when I feel betrayed by it. The work. The people. The place. The things. All of it.
I overlooked the role work has played in my identity because it has felt for some time like a well-worn sock. Reliable. Even in the tough moments, there was something utterly dependable. It was there. I nurtured it and gave to it. I gave it everything. And in return, it stayed. I didn’t take it for granted, but I appreciated its steadfastness.
It’s still there, but now it looks different. It’s no longer that comfortable sock. It’s a straight jacket. It’s that itchy sweater I talked about the other day. It’s a cheating partner. A lying friend. A mean stranger. Please understand (disclaimer time) that I am VERY grateful for my job. VERY VERY appreciative to be gainfully employed. And I will most certainly do anything to keep things status quo.
Except…
The rug has been pulled out from under me. Except that I am surrounded by ugly and cold faces. Except that I feel on guard and defensive. Except that I feel watched and punished.
What now? Where do I go from here? How do I dig out of this and realign, reidentify, regroup?
I start with a mantra. This is not who I am. This is what I do. This is not who I am. This is what I do. THIS is NOT who I am. THIS is WHAT I DO. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM. THIS IS WHAT I DO. Over and over and over again. Until I believe it. Until I don’t diminish all else in my life to make myself feel better about this thing. Until I can separate. Until I can breathe. Until I can see this thing from a different perspective.
Yeah, that’s all I got. But it’s honest, as I’ve always promised. And there’s more left to explore. Just know you aren’t alone if you are feeling a great shift. You are not alone if you feel sad and abandoned. You are not alone if you are questioning everything. I’m here.
Talk to you soon.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 