Were you hoping I’d be better today? I was. I was hoping to wake up and find that I had suddenly stopped grinding my teeth overnight. I was hoping that my heart would feel a little less hurt-y. I was hoping that I would have my faith in my co-workers restored. I was hoping that I could make the shift to a more positive head space. I was hoping I’d feel less betrayed, less scared, and more ready to take on the world.
I didn’t.
It wasn’t.
Didn’t happen.
Wasn’t a thing.
Nope, nah, and definitely not.
I felt more hurt, more timid, and infinitely more frustrated. I know that may not be what you want to hear. I know that you might want to come here and read the truth, but then also land on a happy ending. I get that. I do. But we also know that isn’t real life and that is really the place where I want to land. I want us to be really real. The kind of real that’s embarrassing, gritty, hard, and above all else, relatable.
I want you to feel like you have a partner in this crazy life thing. Not a partner, partner. You might have one of those already or you may be searching for one. The kind of partner who doesn’t tell you to put the toilet seat down or ask how the fuck you spent $150 at Target when you went in for Advil. The kind of partner who is just yours in a world when everyone seems to eventually know everything. The kind of partner who doesn’t offer unsolicited opinions (sort of). The kind of partner who’s all like “I got you” and “you got this” and “I know how you feel…really.” That kind of partner.
So, I got you. You got this. I know how you feel, really.
Some days are hard lately, right? Like a ton of days are hard. Things feel scary and upside down. You know the worst bit is sometimes? I have a good day and then…bam. Something happens or sometimes nothing at all happens. It just so happens that your brain shifts and remember things that felt not so hot the day before. Or two days before. Or last week.
For me, this seems to be a product of a much smaller and a much quieter life. I have more time on my hands. More time to ponder. More time to explore. More time to ruminate. This pisses me off and then I think how it’s actually not such a bad thing. What if I’m supposed to be mad and sad? Not forever. Nope. But what if I’m supposed to feels these things right now so I can push myself to where I’m supposed to be next? What if these feelings are strictly the fuel for the vehicle that’s supposed to take me to my next destination?
What am I talking about?
Well, what if I woke up this morning and my jaw felt miraculously rested and relaxed? What if instead of agitation and aggravation I felt peace and calm? That sounds great, doesn’t it? Sure. Until you realize that means I’d have slipped into complacency overnight. It sounds amazing until you recognize that there is enough acceptance to be able to function and leave peaceably and there is the kind of resignation that prevents growth.
I could let something in me die and just accept the fact that this is how things are meant to be. I could. It wouldn’t even be that hard because I’ve done it before. I have. Many, many times. Except that it doesn’t work. At all.
It doesn’t work because I have a heart that yearns for happiness and a soul that yearns for peace. It doesn’t work because there is some part of me that thinks I’m destined for more than THIS. It doesn’t work because my cup is not full. I have more to learn and more to experience. I have more love to give. I have more life to live. I’m not being cute (not even with my whimsical rhyming). I think there’s so much more for me to do, so I can’t just throw in the towel now.
That means I have to find something in the middle. I have to find a place where I can be reasonably okay on a day to day basis while still continually pursuing something else. Something bigger. Something better. Something GREATER.
How?
Well. I can start by taking this one day at a time. I can set an intention for each day. More than one. I can set little intentions and then big ones. I can move through each day, making progress. Making changes. Little tiny baby ones and then big ol’ huge ones. I can stay hopeful. I can acknowledge that these things take time. A lot of time. More time than we want, but not more time than we need.
I know the whole ‘things happen for a reason’ bullshit gets old real fast. Trust me, I really get it. Most days I have no idea what the fuck is going on and why it’s happening and yet…I still believe there’s a reason behind all of it. I promise you it’s the real deal. My learning curve is shorter. I’m seeing red flags like it’s my J-O-B. I’m saying goodbye when I want to, before I HAVE to. I’m holding myself accountable in a way that I never have before. That’s just top of the head shit. There is so much else that’s there. But, all of that has happened because of time. All of the good stuff (even the stuff that feels bad in the middle) has happened because of all of the experiences I’ve had, exactly when they were meant to occur.
I could rail at the universe but where does that get me? Where does that get you? You have every right to be angry and forlorn. You have every right to feel all the things you feel. You don’t have to be okay. You can just be fine. But you can’t give up. That you cannot do. You just have to keep moving forward. I know I say that all the time. I am not being repetitive. Or I am, but there’s a good reason for it. Truly.
Moving forward in life is not the same as drawing breath. It takes being purposeful. You have to decide to do the thing. It doesn’t just happen. It is so much easier to slip into the comfort of the known, even when that known sucks shit. Make yourself uncomfortable. Take a chance. Push yourself. Be brave.
I’m gonna grind my teeth tonight. My heart is going to ache tomorrow. I’m still going to have lost faith in people I’ve worked with for a long time. But it will all be just a little more bearable tomorrow. But there enough to move me forward. Baby steps. Every day.
Talk to you tomorrow. Promise.
L.
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