Okay, I feel better and also worse today. I get it. You may not want to hear that. I don’t really want to hear it myself. But it’s all a process. That’s just how this whole thing works guys. Ups and downs. Highs and lows.
A wise woman told me today that I should focus on the good stuff. I should express the bad stuff but focus on the good stuff. And so, I did, I am. I am focusing my thoughts on an overstuffed [with love] homemade pillow shaped like a cloud, a virtual floral arranging class taken with a close friend, a healthy body that allows me to donate blood to those in need, and the ability to jump back into running after injury (yay, healing!).
I realized, or realize, that we have to incorporate gratitude into every single day we live on this earth. Yes, I’ve talked about this before. No, it never gets old. Not for me.
I want to talk about a different kind of gratitude. Not the little list that I typed out above. Not the kind of gratitude that comes with recognizing all the things or people you have. I’m talking about the gratitude that comes when we least expect it and is often unwelcome.
The thing that threw me off so badly the other day has infused my body with anxiety and fear. I am literally chock full of all the negative shit that we all work so hard to rid ourselves of on the regular. The feelings that are flooding my body are the reasons we take yoga, rub lavender oil on our pulse points, and read all the profound crap other people post online. We want to feel calm, happy, and balanced. We want to take things in stride and keep perspective.
But there’s two really important things I realized today. Ready for it? One is that I can’t really know what it feels like when all is well unless I know what it’s like when all is not well. Um duh. Right? Well, not really. It sounds lovely to just be able to feel good about things but the truth is, we often overlook the goodness when we are in the middle of it. We take it for granted. We don’t realize HOW good, good really is. It’s just a very human condition.
I have to believe that you’ve experienced this phenomenon at some point, right? Like you look at a pic from some event or some time in your life and all of a sudden you are like ‘holy shit, that was such a good time’ and then it dawns on you that you didn’t realize that at the time. Not even close. Don’t get me wrong as I am not talking about the kind of nostalgia that has you constantly yearning for the past. Not even close. I am talking about a different kind of appreciation.
This COVID crisis gave some people that perspective. I don’t mean the illness and death. At all. Don’t even get me started on the preventability of the tragedy that has befallen so many people. I’m talking about the slow down. The forced quiet. The forced smallness. Yes, I’m well aware that some people have taken to just living life as normal (big thoughts of negativity there) but for the rest of us, this time might have given us a ‘wow, it has been ages since we’ve spent time like this as a family’ or ‘hey, I don’t remember a time when I spent a Sunday reading in bed.’
So, I have to feel shitty to truly appreciate when I feel awesome.
Also, the emotions that I’m feeling remind me of who I am. I am sensitive. I am emotional. I am profoundly impacted by the intense energy in the world right now, in this country. I am broken-hearted looking at people’s selfishness, self-directedness, apathy, ignorance, and callousness. I am a big ol’ bleeding heart. I ache because of how I am being treated and I weep for how we are currently treating each other.
I told my mother that I wished I was different today. I told her that I wished things didn’t hurt me so much. I wished that I was cooler about things. I wished that people didn’t feel so cruel to me.
You know how she responded? She asked me if I meant it. I paused for a moment and said of course I meant it. All I could think was why on earth would I say it unless it was true?! And then I realized.
I was just saying that so I could make all the feelings stop. I wanted to rid myself of the reaction, the cues, the context. I just wanted to feel nothing at that moment.
Here’s the thing….nothing is not peace. Nothing is not acceptance. Nothing is not cool. Nothing is just nothing. And when I really think about it, given a choice between nothing and everything, I’m always going to choose everything. That’s just the way that it works for me.
That may not be your jam and I respect that. Maybe you are one of those people who feels nothing or maybe you find yourself somewhere in the middle. Maybe you are just like me. Maybe you feel all the things. Or maybe, just maybe, you are just feeling all of them right now. That’s not unusual. If there were ever a time to feel all the feelings, this would be it. This pivotal moment in time when the proverbial shit has hit the fan and everything feels sort of insane and upside down.
Each day I am feeling something new. Each day I am learning something new about the situation I am reacting to, and thus, new feelings emerge. Sometimes I am deeply troubled by my inability to not feel, but today, I’m just allowing myself to feel all the things. It’s just something I’m doing, by not doing anything at all. I’m not denying myself feelings. I’m not beating myself up. I’m not pretending. I’m just taking each moment as it comes.
Brene Brown said “[w]e cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the powerful emotions.” I’m ready to feel some more steady goodness, so there’s no way in hell I’m moving towards numb.
This week has been a bear, but each day is minutely better. I’m just a little bit better every day. That’s all we can hope for, right?
One moment at a time, feeling ALL the feelings.
L.
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