I feel frustrated. That antsy kind of frustration that burrows deep inside of you and makes you feel itchy. I feel like I’m on the precipice of overreacting to something or maybe just breaking down in tears. We are all made of different stuff, but I imagine you have maybe had a moment like that which I’m describing? Just once, perhaps? Or maybe more?
I was watching a television program the other night where the main characters were feeling that same kind of feeling and decided to let out their frustration with a good yell into a subway tunnel. Actually, come to think of it, this is a pretty common theme that pops up on television or in the movies, or in books for that matter, so I am definitely not the only one who has experienced this phenomenon.
I mean if you are a Grey’s Anatomy fan (can’t stop, won’t stop), you’ve seen many of the characters explore and locate their own personal venting method, from screaming in a hospital basement to dancing like maniacs. The thread that ties those experiences together seems to be how romantic it all seems. The character or characters feel pissed off and engages in some cathartic behavior and boom, all is well. I mean, I’m oversimplifying but what happens isn’t far from that particular reality.
The problem is that I don’t have a tepid body of water to wade into, in which to scream towards the sky. I don’t have a basement that would permit such conduct. I haven’t been near a subway in close to a year and while I like a good shake ‘em out session from time to time, dancing isn’t a release for me as it might be for other people. Also, if I went out into the streets and let out a good yell, I imagine I’d scare the shit out of my neighbors.
I have methods for processing anxiety and dealing with life’s shit, if you will. I exercise. I confide in some of the people closest to me. Sometimes it makes me feel better to watch a ridiculous rom com or perform an act of kindness. I like to lose myself in a good book and I’m a huge fan of journaling. Meditation has been known to calm me down and I’ll rarely resist the urge to take a bath if the opportunity presents.
The problem is, this isn’t run of the mill anxiety. This isn’t everyday life stress. This is what happens when it builds up. This is the feeling I get when I’ve let things go for too long. This is how I feel when I recognize self-neglect. The real shitty part of it is that some of what I am feeling right now is beyond my control. I don’t want to get too far in the weeds in terms of what that really means, so I’ll just say that as can be the case in life, I am facing some situations that I can’t do much about.
You know what that means, right? That means it is even more critical that I do something about the things I have control over. That means that my self-reflection is more important than ever because I need to truly understand what I am looking at and how I can mitigate, manage, and deal.
The funny thing or ironic bit is this is the part where most of us fall apart. And I get it because I’ve been there. Many times over. I’ve melted down because I feel like everything in my life is beyond my control and I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know what to do.
The unknowing is what pushes many of us into a full-fledged depression or unhealthy behavior. Please don’t misunderstand me when you read the next paragraph or so. I am not a mental health practitioner and I am not suggesting that I have any skill or knowledge in that arena. I am simply describing what I’ve experienced myself or what I’ve observed in others around me. However, as you’ve read here before, I’m a huge supporter of availing oneself of mental health assistance from a professional. HUGE. It’s entirely necessary from time to time (or always). But, that is always one’s personal choice.
Anyway, sometimes when we feel a heightened sense of anxiety about the world around us and/or we are aware of a certain powerlessness, we take action that we believe might remedy the situation. More often than not, this action is exercising control. I can’t control what’s going on at work, but I can control my eating or my exercise. I can’t control what’s going on with my partner or in my relationship but I can control my retail purchases. You get my point, right?
I’m not trying to leave habits or impulses or “pleasures” off the list, but that list can be exhaustive and I don’t necessarily think we need to dive into everything. We all have something that feels comforting for us when we consider what we have power over.
Here’s the problem. Yes, I used the word problem. I’m sorry for that but it has to be said. The issue (see, that felt nicer, right?) is that we aren’t dealing with our shit. We are taking that energy and we are transferring like it’s going out of style.
This transference can be obvious or incredibly subtle. In fact, our behavior can be so understated that we barely recognize what’s going on. I’m going to talk about that more tomorrow, so I’m not going to bore you with those details right now. I’m actually going to delve into both of those scenarios. I really want to explore with you the lengths we will go to in order to avoid dealing with our shit.
I’ve said this so many times that you might be bored by now, but as I write this, it seems prudent to throw it out into the universe again. It may be obvious to you as I am coming from a place of ME but I am not writing these words judgmentally. There is not one thought in my brain that is negative or disappointed. Not in myself and certainly not in you. Not even a little.
This is tough shit. Most of the stuff we deal with here is, and so, it is counterproductive to add self-criticism and self-deprecation into the mix. I mean, how do you expect to get any of the good soul work done if you are spending so much time flogging yourself for the choices you’ve made historically? There is no right or wrong here. Yes, I used the word problem and I used the word issues, but they are not meant to create a big ol’ black cloud in your brain. They are used as a means to make you aware. To wake you up. To encourage you to explore. To provide you with the kind of support that comes from someone who has been there before.
We are going to take this one step at a time. Both of us.
Step one: admit you are feeling overwhelmed.
Me: “I feel overwhelmed.”
Brilliant. Stay tuned for what’s next.
L.
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