Hi kids. Happy Friday. I cannot believe this week is coming to a close, but I’m here to tell you that I am incredibly relieved. It has been a long ass week for a variety of reasons. Some you know about, some maybe you sensed from my writing. Either way, it’s been a 30 day week if ya know what I mean. So, wahoo…Friday.
Yesterday we talked about the smaller ways we transfer our anxiety [and avoid really dealing with our shit]. Today, we are going to talk about some of the more profound expressions of this pattern. There is a sort of irony here because the subtler behavior can sometimes be more damaging because it is a lot harder to identify. When we fail to acknowledge a thing, it typically goes on. And when it goes on, it erodes. That’s just how it works.
That said, the issue with the more obvious patterns or shifting is that there can be an obsessive quality to it. We are astutely aware of the anxiety festering inside of us, we desire to make ourselves feel better, and we seek an outlet. The problem is that we aren’t really seeking a coping strategy. We are looking for an outright exit and so we move hurriedly, frantically, and thoughtlessly towards a door.
What happens when we do that? Well, we don’t allow ourselves to fully process the shift that got us to that place. Let’s stay with the example I gave last time. I am working through some of the issues that I am having with my friendships. It feels uncomfortable. I feel itchy and anxious and sad. But I HAVE to feel all of those things. If I’m human (cue pinching myself – okay. I appear to be), change is going to feel scary and shitty.
I am used to being the person that stays in bad relationships. I stick it out for fear of failure and loss. Making a decision to do things differently doesn’t feel good. However, on the other side of that choice is all the good stuff.
I’m right now thinking about that motivational poster that reads: “Bad news: you’re growing and it’s uncomfortable. Good news: It’s uncomfortable but you’re growing.”
It is that simple.
Remember growing pains as a kid? Maybe not. I’m sure I didn’t have many because, um, resident shorty over here. But still, I remember laying in bed with that creepy feeling in my legs, like no amount of stretching would make them feel rested and “normal.” The same thing happens when we grow spiritually and emotionally. We have to feel prickly. We have to feel pain. We have to question ourselves. It is a process. If it were easy, we would all just get to good and we all know that doesn’t happen.
Anyway, not many of us like discomfort so like nine times outta ten we are going to find a way to alleviate that feeling. The sad bit is that the kind of relief I am talking about is sought through activity that is often self-punishing in a different way. Here are just a few examples: over-exercise, over-eating, under-eating, excessive purchasing, obsessive social media/telephone use, or overcommitting. Recognize any? I do. A few actually.
We often take something that provides us with some level of comfort and/or a release and then we slide the scale to extreme. We take it up a notch or ten. Not good guys. Normal, for sure. But definitely not good. The opposite of good. Harmful.
Although this transference is more visible, that doesn’t mean that it’s always easy to see. It simply means that it is easier to label than the other stuff.
Layering on an additional problem is that given our overall level of anxiety when we are engaging in this behavior, it isn’t abnormal for us to be incredibly defensive (with others or ourselves) when we first notice it’s going on.
What does this look like? Well a friend or family member says something like “is it possible that you are overdoing it with the exercise?” Um, NO. Thanks for asking. Fuck off. I’m just dedicated. I’m working on myself. I have goals. Leave me alone. Sigh.
When it comes to our own realization, there is a different kind of presentation. Maybe I have an injury. I begin to ask myself if maybe I am doing too much, thus leaving me primed for injury. Pathetic. No way. Clearly it’s just that I am aging and I am a little off my game and I need to shift. I might even decide to replace that particular activity with another one at an equal intensity level.
You know what I’m going to say right? The first step is admitting that you are feeling anxious and looking to shed that icky feeling. You may not respond perfectly if someone voices their observations regarding your journey. That’s okay. Take a breath before you respond. Whenever something feels shitty, I have a new rule to deal. I tell myself to pause for ten seconds. A full ten seconds. If I still feel as crappy after ten seconds, the feeling is real and there to stay. If I don’t, then it might have been an overly quick response. Here one moment and gone the next.
Give yourself permission to use tactics to alleviate some of the anxiety but acknowledge and REALLY own the idea that the anxiety will still be around when you are done doing the thing.
I know I sound like a broken record but it’s true. Even change you are excited about will feel tough. You will feel things that you may not have expected to feel. Considering how neglectful a friend is, you might feel shocked when you find yourself feeling sad. You miss them. But, do you really? Or do you miss what you wanted them to be or hoped they would be or maybe who they used to be? Who knows?
It is definitely worth exploring how you feel, but it is more important to allow the feelings to be. It is detrimental to give the feelings space to be and morph and dissipate. That’s right. That’s the best part. When we work our asses off trying to run away from feelings, we prolong their stay. When we work through those same feelings, we can often release them sooner. Free ourselves of the bondage of that burden.
You know this because I’ve said it before, but the takeaway here is that shit takes time. I know we live in an instant gratification society, but that’s not the most productive way to approach change and growth and feelings. These endeavors take time and patience. We can’t predict how long our process will take and the biggest mistake we can make is rushing things.
Instead of hopping on that bike or treadmill (we know I LOVE a good workout, so don’t go there), take a bath. Instead of eating a sleeve of cookies or avoiding sugar at all costs, take two cookies or three. Have a piece of dried fruit. You want a new shirt, buy it. You want ten new shirts? Refrain. Search through your closet and rediscover something comforting and cozy. Tell yourself that you don’t need to look at your phone before you go to bed or just when you wake in the morning. Say no sometimes, allowing yourself time alone to heal, grieve, and process.
Change is so hard but so rewarding. Tell yourself that everything worth having takes work and heart. Tell that to yourself over and over again, until you believe it.
Hang in there. Have a peaceful weekend.
See you next week.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 