Thank you for coming back. I know things feel a bit tedious this week. We don’t like to talk about fear. I mean, I sure don’t. Except when I do, and then I feel oddly satisfied.
I kicked off this week with Connie and Neil and then sneakily shifted you over to an exploration of fear. That was rude. Or was it? It wasn’t intentional on my part. Generally speaking, the evolution of these posts is organic. I don’t have an agenda. I have a notion and things sort of unfurl from there.
The thought that I started with was this idea that I can be a rule follower. I then found myself deep in the trenches, slogging through ideas related to anxiety and terror. In my brain, this makes perfect sense, but I recognize that the same may not hold true for you. It might be beneficial if I give you a little more connection here. Some explanation. Certain understanding.
Living a rule following kind of life in many ways epitomizes all the ways in which we avoid fear.
Wait a second, because I think some meaningful caveats are required at this moment. I am not in ANY WAY suggesting that we all go rogue and say fuck the rules. Not even a little. I’m a proponent of rules and laws and order and best practices. I mean I work in compliance for goodness sake. I’m saying that we should be thoughtful in the way that we proceed. We should carefully consider our actions and the application of rules as we move forward. Blind adherence and a lack of regard for the world around us (and our own feelings) is a mechanism we use to hide or deny. Compliance with questions and consideration is rather brilliant. Good? Good.
I’m told to stuff Connie and I take that instruction to heart. Connie receives soft, fluffy stuffing in every nook and cranny. She is so full by the time I’m done (refresher: Connie is a pillow) that a strategy must be concocted to sew the remaining pieces of Connie together. Don’t get me wrong, as Connie is delicious and my favorite new home decoration, but what would have happened if I would have expanded my thinking to a bit more big picture? What if I had stuffed Connie but considered the need to sew those last two pieces? Perhaps I would have used just a little less? Maybe not, but maybe so.
What if I didn’t stuff Connie enough? What if I had finished and she was sort of deflated looking altogether, or had some corners that were a little, meh?
Let’s move away from Connie because maybe this is too ‘out there’ an example for you. I would like to circle back to my friend. She felt a burning desire to conform to what everyone else was doing (attending the gathering) and more so, a raging need to prove that her conformance would be effortless. She worried that a declination, however polite, would reflect poorly on her. She was concerned that turning down such an invitation would send a clear internal and external message that she just couldn’t hack it. She is too sensitive, too dramatic, too [fill in the blank].
What if she started to think about these exchanges like preparing to run a race? Or more appropriately, what if she considered these situations as she might the process of beginning to run for ten minutes straight?
If she did, she might realize that just saying no and sitting with the resulting feelings would probably feel pretty shitty. In fact, that kind of jumping in might cause some pretty heavy anxiety. Remember when I talked about regret the other day? The post-beast mode time is when those feelings would kick in pretty hard core. Self-doubt would probably flood her body and she would spend time contemplating how to undo what she had done.
What would that look like? Well, maybe she would say no to the gathering, but then she would later go to great lengths to explain that the reason was actually because she wasn’t well (lies). Perhaps she would say no and then apologize and express remorse in connection with the decision she made. If she felt those overwhelming feelings quickly enough, she might even try and show up (albeit late) for the event, offering profuse apologies.
What if before she made a decision, she voiced her feelings to a trusted friend? What if she and I were able to speak about the choice she had to make before it was made, rather than before? What if she were able to honestly express that she wasn’t sure she could say no but she identified the desire to get there?
I want to throw a little wrench into this discussion and in truth, you may not love it.
After she had the experience that she did, she told me that she would never make that same decision again. Has that ever happened to you? Sure has where I’m concerned. The thing is, much like jumping in from the get go, this post-decision regret decision isn’t much better when it comes to longevity or staying power. Why? Well, there is a still a rash, reactive component. Given the negative implications and experience, the reaction might feel a little more real, but without thoughtful consideration, the same backtracking will likely occur.
Fine. Sure. So how do we get there if not by virtue of bad decisions? Well, whether or not a decision has been made is nearly irrelevant. The same process should be undertaken. The individual has to determine where they want to get to in a very realistic fashion (think running a 5k in a few years) and then has to create a “training plan” or a plan of attack.
There has to be a deliberateness to this exercise, which is frustrating for most. We are very one-size-fits-all and instant gratification. If I had a penny for every time someone said “I just want to feel better/get over it/be done with him”, I’d actually be a wealthy woman. Beyond measure. We just want to be able to do the damn thing. This is the thought process that triggers very irrational and intense responses to situations.
Why did I delete you from my phone? Well, because I didn’t want to talk to you anymore (can hold value from time to time but as a measured plan, not an instant reaction). Why did I throw out my boxing gloves? Well because I am obviously not good at it and I am therefore giving it up.
You get the point. We need to think about this. We need to consider. We need to get real about what we can handle. That might be the toughest part. I’m going to leave you with this and then we’ll get into it tomorrow (Friyay): you have to figure out what makes you tick and make a plan that is entirely customized for you and you alone. We can consider others in our planning scheme, but that comes last. We start with me, with I, with self.
More tomorrow.
L.
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