How do we “plan” to change our behavior? How do we “prepare” to tackle our worst and more profound fears? The same way we approach training or preparing for anything.
I printed a running plan off a website and decided I was going to follow it. There is something to be said for relying on experts or those who have come before, but there is also something meaningful about considering alterations. I couldn’t just follow the running plan prescribed for me online because, for starters, my body and my schedule wouldn’t allow for such. But, I could use that schedule as a framework and modify until it felt reasonable and appropriate for me. So, that’s what I did.
That is the first bit. We look at how other folks have done things and we start to make a game plan. I told my friend that I started by saying no to things that caused me no stress at all. Like really silly, ridiculous things. You want me to pick you up a coffee at Starbucks? Nah. I’m good. Saying no to this simple question causes me no stress and yet, I often found myself saying yes. Opportunity, crowd-think….who knows why the fuck I did it, but, I did. So, I started by making a concerted effort to say no to those kinds of questions/situations. That is just one example but there are a butt load more than I can think of, but let’s not waste time.
I did that for a while until it felt a little more normal for me to say no. That’s right. For a long ass time, saying no felt foreign to me and so, I had to training wheel the shit out of NO.
The second step for me was framing out the situations that caused me some stress. I would ask myself what about the situations were difficult for me. Was it because they were challenging my basic notion of following the rules or was there some deeper emotion at play? Perhaps I was afraid of one of the ten things I’ve talked about in the last few days.
It isn’t enough to just think about or write down what is scary about any particular situation. Rather, it is meaningful to really get into the granular details, the weeds, if you will. In the case of my friend, if she really wants to get to a place where she can work through saying no to the gatherings, she has to understand not just that someone in attendance makes her uncomfortable, but why they trigger that reaction or feeling in her. The why is absolutely critical if you really want to make a go at this whole changing yourself business.
Why?
Well, let’s say that my friend tells herself that the gathering makes her uneasy because of this woman. That means that begging out of the gathering is simply a tactic for avoiding that woman. Look, maybe that is part of the end goal. Maybe that woman is, by herself, a trigger, and so all will be right if her company is not sought in any way, shape, or form.
BUT, what if she then attends a different gathering where that woman is not in attendance and the same thing happens? Then her entire notion of why she is doing the thing is thrown off and might even derail her from further pursuing these efforts (think recipe gone awry).
What if the bigger picture issue is that right now, given the state of the world, she doesn’t really want to spend in groups? Period. End of story. That might be tougher to swallow, because it feels like more of a cop out, but really, it’s pure magic. She is able to own the fact that there is something that doesn’t jive with her inner peace. Then she can navigate the landscape in a way that feels better overall.
There is no glory in constantly sticking your feet on hot coals. You want to prove that you can’t handle this person but you can handle that person? Go for it. I will tell you that (from personal experience), this can be a very defeating exercise. I mean, a real kick in the pants.
No one likes to say this, but I’ve haven’t been afraid to spin truth on here, ever. So here it is: the more manageable you make your growth challenges, the more likely it is that you will succeed. Why do I say that no one wants to say that? Because it’s true. I know you’ve heard people say: ‘I just ran a mile, it’s nbd’ or ‘I just stopped following him on Instagram, it’s lame really’ or some version of that theme. What are they doing? They are caveating their success with the notion that it was such a simple exercise that it doesn’t warrant celebration.
You know what I say? Set practicable goals. Achieve said goals. Celebrate the fuck out of said achievement. Set new goals that are just a leel bit more challenging. Rinse and repeat until you feel like you’ve gotten to a place that really, really works for you.
This is not lame or pathetic. This is what I like to call real progress. Solid progress. Progress that will occur until goals are truly met.
You want to perfect the meringue first time baking? Cool. Good luck with your egg white peaks. You want to run 15 miles on your first day exercising? Let me know at what point fatigue set in.
Are there magical humans who get it right, directly out of the gate? There sure are and good for them. I mean it. I love a good success story. But for the rest of us humans, we are stuck with doing things the good ol’ fashioned way. Baby steps. One day at a time. One disappointment at a time. One success story at a time.
We need to exercise restraint, patience, and so much self-love it is actually ridiculous. The sad part is that the last part of that is likely the hardest for us. So, keep coming back here. I am going to remind you all the time that we all struggle in our own way and we all struggle in ways that are exactly the same. We all fail. We all fall down. We all make mistakes. We all start over. We all give up. This is the human condition. It doesn’t make you less worthy of love, self or otherwise. This blog is not called The Place of Worthy. This blog is called The Path to Worthy and for good reason. We don’t just land on worthy. We journey to it.
Have a beautiful weekend. x
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 