Today’s post is not an invitation to be a liar. It isn’t. This isn’t a piece that you get to point at and say “see, that’s where I was told to withhold.” I am not giving you permission to withhold. I am telling you that there are occasions when you make a choice to hold back and the action after identifying this behavior is more ‘get your shit together’ and less ‘have a heart to heart.’
There are many times that we withhold and there is a very real reason why we have made that decision. Perhaps you are mustering the courage to do something and you recognize that the sharing of it will only make matters more complicated. You will feel pressured and stressed and thus, you keep it to yourself until you feel more resolved, stronger.
There are times when we recognize that the nature of a relationship has shifted (or was always a particular way) and it is no longer served by certain kinds of honesty. Perhaps we were really close with someone but they have demonstrated themselves to be untrustworthy or unreliable. We still crave the connection on some level, but we understand that to maintain such, we need to hold back in some way.
You know what I’m about to say, right? If a relationship gets to the point where you are always navigating around particular road blocks and speed bumps, it might be time to ask yourself what that relationship is really doing for you. But, if you aren’t ready to walk away yet or if you think that there is still some measured value there, it might just be a situation where you can keep things okay by making reasonable decisions concerning what and how often to share.
We can meaningfully understand what level to keep a relationship at by processing an interaction we’ve had with another human or be proactively considering the personality of that person. What does that mean in real time? Well, this person I work with is always trying to one up me when we discuss fitness routines so I’ve decided that it’s best if I avoid the topic altogether. Alternatively, I haven’t had a personal experience discussing my workout routine with this person, but I recognize them to be generally competitive and also a little insecure, so I decide that it’s probably best to hold back when it comes to the topic of fitness. My relationship with that particular human is somewhat peripheral and we have other interactions that feel satisfying in some fashion, so I don’t need to write her off. I simply need to adjust my interaction.
What if I told her that I wanted to discuss fitness with her but I was holding back for fear that she would be aggressive and even condescending in her responses to me? Well, given her personality, the reaction would likely be unpleasant. She might be defensive and/or critical of me. She would likely not be inclined to change her behavior and in fact, my addressing of such might actually spur her on. She might feel compelled to double down. Nothing gained except a headache. The relationship I share with her is not so meaningful that I feel like I am losing something and the result of my “honesty” would be unnecessarily unpleasant.
Sometimes we withhold to protect another person. I could truly talk about this paradigm for the next three weeks. There are many occasions where folks have elected to do this and while I can wrap my brain around the rationale, I rarely agree with it. However, there are situations that call for such a decision. Please forgive me for using such a morbid and depressing example, but I do think that the one I’m about to share is very realistic and very important to discuss. I have a friend whose mom was dying. His brother passed away somewhat suddenly while she was still alive. A decision was made to withhold the news of her son’s passing from her. The overarching sentiment is that this would just cause her unnecessary grief in her last days. This is not only understandable but is actually a kindness. There are several examples that fall into this category and I wholeheartedly support each and every one.
Some folks might argue that the person is entitled to the information. I will tell you that while I understand that line of thinking, there are times when we can show the greatest magnitude of love by recognizing what someone is capable of processing. This is not always a clear line but if we do the work, we can usually find the spot between compassion and over-stepping.
Sometimes we withhold to protect ourselves. The example I gave earlier of the fitness conversation falls into this category but in a more benign fashion. There are times when we would be grievously harmed by opening up and so we decide to withhold, either temporarily or permanently. Although I’ve shared extensively on this blog about the experience I had with my ex, I elected to not be so forthcoming with some of my friends. The details of what happened to me would not be meaningful in the context of our relationship and if I’m honest, I didn’t have the desire to taint their view on my ex or our relationship or me. Our relationship(s) were not made less important by my withholding. They knew enough to understand that I didn’t have the best experience and enough to understand why I didn’t want to know anything about him again, and that was enough all around. There were people who I told everything to and people who just heard little bits and pieces. No one was harmed in the process.
You have to ask yourself why you are withholding, how it will impact your relationship and whether sharing is caring or pointless. I’ve given you some examples, but I can’t necessarily write that story for you. You have to decide for yourself based on what things feel like for you at any given moment. Sometimes we discover down the road that our relationships have morphed so profoundly, that so little is shared, that so little remains, that it’s time to say goodbye. Sometimes we recognize that the relationship is best served by keeping things at a certain level and there is nothing lost.
A bit of a fine tightrope, but I feel confident that you can walk it, when you’re ready.
L.
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