Hi. How do we stop caring about things that we no longer want to care about? I know. This seems an insane concept when put this simply and yet, I feel like we all grapple with this very problem on a regular basis. Isn’t that the reason we go to therapy, take up new hobbies, contemplate hypnosis? We rarely state things that plainly though, right? We skirt around the truth. We find a truth that feels more palatable. A truth that makes us look ‘better.’
Why do we do that? In our greatest moments of need, we still care about the optics of the thing. We know we are fucked up, but we loathe appearing that way. We want to be the kind of messy that is actually quite put together. We want to make things nice, even when they are the furthest thing from it.
Gwyneth and Chris inform that they are consciously uncoupling and we all foam at the mouth. How glamourous and lovely. Divorce repackaged as something that feels user-friendly. Divorce as a warm chocolate chip cookie. How delightful. How forward-thinking.
You know what I thought? Give me a fucking break. Really. Not because I’m jaded. Not because I want people to be miserable or antagonistic. Not because I’m jealous that they had a marriage to willfully unwind. I feel that way because I know humans to be complicated and untidy. Even when we have the best of intentions, even when we don’t let it show, we are sloppy and broken. We make things bigger and murkier even as we attempt to minimize them.
This all boils down to an issue of honesty. We want to be honest but it scares the shit out of us. I’ve talked about this a lot but it’s really major, so it needs to be returned to regularly and often. Outside of the general importance, we find so many ways to be dishonest, so the topic is endlessly fresh. That feels hopeful and entirely depressing, no?
I don’t want to stay negative at all, so let’s get things back to good, okay?
I’ll start with this bit: if we desire authenticity, most of us can find it within us to get there, or at least closer. We just have to be willing to put in the work.
I know. Ugh. Work.
I read this sentiment somewhere (forgive me as I don’t remember where- so feel free to let me know if you know)- you can’t expect to succeed if you only put in work on the days you feel like it. What does that have to do with anything? Well, we have to relentlessly work if we want to effect change. Nothing just happens, sadly. Even when you look in from the outside and believe that something has just occurred, it’s likely that there was some effort put in, by someone, somewhere.
The hard truth is that the energy and exertion may not have been expended by the person needing the change, but someone did it. Someone made the universe shift and move. There was no magic. I mean, there is magic in the world and there are surprises and good and bad shit that just happens, but generally speaking, someone has to roll up their sleeves and do the damn thing.
I know what you might be thinking. Cool, cool. Someone else is going to do what needs to get done, so I don’t have to. Well, there is a truth to that. I mean, that is why I just said it. But that means you are operating on someone else’s schedule and terms and ultimately, have very little control over what happens. Sure, you can react as you see fit, but that’s a response. Inherently limited.
Listen, I get it. At many points in my life if someone had presented me with the option of digging in or just waiting to see, I would have chosen the latter. I did choose the latter. I used to choose the latter, until something shifted in me. I was tired of sitting around with a bad belly waiting to see what other people were going to do. Even though it was more in my wheelhouse to take a back seat, I knew deep down inside that it didn’t serve me. At all.
Some things turned out okay, that’s the truth, but they were just okay and it was by default, not by design. When we take control of situations they can also turn out okay but when we put ourselves in the driver’s seat, it is a game changer. Maybe nothing changes with the particular situation, but exercising that power changes something inside of us, and that’s where it counts. We start to believe that we can make things happen in our lives and that is critical.
Right about now you might be cringing. This might be sounding like some infomercial or self-help seminar. It’s neither. It’s actually the most real I can be.
I’ve made many changes in my life on a very surface level. What does that mean? Well, I’ve made changes because others told me I ought to or because I read a profound book that motivated me in some fashion. I had a rah rah moment and decided to ride the wave. It never stuck though because I wasn’t really in it. I wasn’t convinced. It simply sounded like a good idea to move forward. That’s all, that’s it.
I would be able to maintain for a little while but then things would burn off. I’d revert back to bystander status in my own life. The craziest part is that nothing about being a spectator in my own life felt secure. It was just what I knew. The comfort I felt was in the ‘same old’ rather than a solid fit.
Where did I start? Well, you know. Don’t you? You state things plainly. I know that sounds insane but truly, that is the place to start. You have to own your shit. I’m going to finish today with what that looks like, and then we can go from there. Ready?
I want to get over __________. I want to stop ____________. I want to be able to ________. I want to be stronger, braver, and more loyal to my story. Not the story someone else has written but my story. The one I want to write. First person. Always.
L.
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