Yeah, so therapy always seemed to me like any other doctor’s appointment. Congestion and sinus pressure? Go to the internist. Get examined, get diagnosed, get medicine, and feel better. Belly hurts? Call the gastro. Get examined, get a test, get diagnosed, take some medicine, and feel better. Well, except when I was diagnosed with celiac. I was given medicine to feel better in the short term, but a lifestyle change was in order. What?! Are you kidding me? That feels like a big obligation. That’s not a one and done. But still, it was a finite solution. Remove gluten from your diet altogether and over time, you will generally feel better. Okay. More of a commitment, but still, I could do it. There were parameters. Very specific, hard-set parameters. Do THIS and achieve THIS. I could work with that.
And so, generally speaking, I have historically approached every single doctor the same way. Even if some of the solutions were longer term, they were mostly clearly defined and this made execution and reasoning easier. More palatable. Thus, therapy was no exception and I sort of feel like it’s similar for a number of people. Maybe you too? In fact, when it goes beyond this thought process (we will get there), that is often where people decide to bail. I’ve done enough, I’ve explored enough, I’ve dug deep enough, I’m fixed enough.
Someone close to me received treatment for drug addiction. In addition to several other suggestions that were made to increase the likelihood of success and reduce the probability of recidivism, the treatment center suggested that former social circles and hangout spots that were associated with addiction should be avoided. I remember this person expressing to me that this sounded all well and good but the reality was a far different story. That would ultimately mean a complete life upheaval. A change to everything and everyone. I remember them asking me why there wasn’t a solution that involved remaining in regular life and just figuring it out. I was wholly unfamiliar with all of that, generally speaking, but from an ignorant layperson’s perspective, I offered the following: I didn’t think that the avoidance was a hard and fast rule and I did think that ultimately, they would get to the behavior required to keep on the right path. Ultimately, the treatment providers were acknowledging the difficulty of the endeavor of getting clean and staying clean and the fragility of a newly clean addict, and were suggesting that sometimes the best way to win a fight is to avoid it altogether.
I know that this is a challenging concept for many of us because it derails us from that problem-solution model that we find more comfortable. This is a solution that acknowledges that sure, there is black and white, but there is also a whole host of gray. The reality is that the gray needs to be attended to if we have a deep desire to make our solution stick.
I don’t think I need to say this, but that one stop shop fix should probably be reconsidered when it comes to the whole of medicine. We do live in a society whereas that has become commonplace, the ‘fix me now’ thought process, but if we want to start to consider physical, mental, and emotional health more holistically and long term, we need to execute a do-over. We need to go back to the drawing board.
I couldn’t just take medicine to heal my stomach and then go back to the way I was living and eating before. I mean I could, and it would probably be some time before I ended up feeling like shit again, but the time would definitely come. Of that, I’m sure. And, you might be a person who feels more comfortable living that way. That might be why you looking to put a bandage on a wound, let it scab over, and forget about the reckless physical activity that got you there from the start. Every single time you get injured, you start the clock over. You may occasionally allow yourself to think more big picture about the time you are wasting or the long term damage you are doing to your body, but those thoughts are few and far between. Mostly, you stick to the here and now.
Whoa, did I just throw you off? When you read the ‘here and now’ bit, did you pat yourself on the back? She’s always telling us to live in the moment, so isn’t that what I’m doing? Sure. Kind of. But, like everything worth learning about in life, there are nuances to that exercise or that approach. There are things to consider outside the direct interpretation or application. Also, living in the here and now doesn’t mean being present without any thought to the future. Not for me, at least. It means not living in the future. It means living for the present, the moment, but considering the impact of your behaviors, actions, and words on that future. We make decisions based on the information available to us, and that also includes what the future consequences or repercussions of our behavior might be.
Did I confuse you? That was truly not my intent. My thought process wasn’t to spin you in circles or come across as hypocritical or muddy in my thinking. My thinking is that we need to understand how all of this co-exists. We cannot make certain changes without any thought to the domino effect. We can, but then it behooves us to acknowledge that we may be here again at some later date. There might come a time when our neglect of the ‘what then’ catches up with us. So long as we are willing to embrace that possibility, we are in a better position.
I guess my question to you is: why? Do you really need that? As a partially reformed kick-the-can-down-the-road-er, I can assure you that I understand the desire to live in that space. I moved into that space. I didn’t just rent it. I literally brought all my shit there, painted the walls, and made it my forever place. Well, until I recognized that it didn’t serve me any longer and I could continue to live there or I could get really brave and seek shelter elsewhere.
I know that it’s scary to think about turning everything on its head, but nothing changes if nothing changes. You feel me?
You are better than staying stuck. I finally realized that I was better than staying stuck. So, I started to figure out how to unstick myself. More on that….soon.
L.
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