Do you think I got a little off track in the last day or so? I get why you might feel that way but don’t worry. I know what I’m looking to convey here. I’ll get to everything in due time. It was important for me to lay this all out for you, step-by-step. It is critical that we understand every bit and piece if we want to do this for real. All good things come to those who wait, right? Well, not necessarily, but you have a lot better shot of making things stick if you dig in.
So our normal MO is to go to therapy (if we are even able to get there) or take a pause and then modify or manipulate the reality of what we are looking to accomplish or else set a goal that is incredible short term without a thought to the future. We may not even get to therapy, as stated above. We might only get to the level where we are willing to talk to our closest friends or family members about the thing we are struggling with, and while the audience is important, it’s not a critical detail. Meaning, the rules apply no matter who we are looking to for help.
What does that mean? Well, we need to be honest, realistic, and employ broad-based thinking, whether we are speaking to our sister or a licensed professional. Sorry, need is a challenging word for some. I’m not trying to dictate anything to you. I’m strongly suggesting that you consider what I am saying in earnest. Try and scale away any pre-conceived notions or tainted experiences and zero in on what matters.
I explained that we start by being honest about what we need and what we are looking to feel or do. It’s even more basic than that in some ways. We need to start by admitting there is a problem. Sometimes we even hesitate before we get there. I’ve done this a million times. I minimize what I am feeling or experiencing because I don’t think people will understand or I think they might but will judge me in the process.
When my relationship ended, I was comfortable telling people who I confided in that I just wanted to get past what had happened. I just wanted to feel normal again. There was so much more to that though, which I alluded to earlier this week. I wanted to understand what the fuck had happened, I wanted to sleep soundly through the night without checking my phone, I wanted to stop scrolling through old messages looking for clues, I wanted to stop trolling his social media for evidence of his infidelity, I wanted to stop feeling like a giant pile of garbage, I wanted to be hopeful that I might trust another human again one day, and so on and so forth. You get the point, right? I was very messy and very broken, but I boiled that giant pot of shit down to one sentiment: I just want to leave all of this in the rearview.
The most profound thing that happened was a mentor looking at me and saying you can’t just put shit behind you. You can, but then you are likely to run into it again in the future. You have to deal with it. Unwrap it and examine all of its elements. Understand it in a way that is difficult but also, meaningful.
I still didn’t listen. Not then. Later on, her words came to me and resonated with me, but I had to wade through a shit pile a little more before I got there. I did confide in a few friends and then decide it was meaningful to seek professional help. This wasn’t a notion on my part that it would be better all around. I was simply sick and tired of feeling like I was putting out my friends and family. I felt like a broken record. I was tired of hearing myself talk, so I imagined them feeling the same. Thus, I looked for someone that I could pay to listen to me. This felt more equitable and less burdensome.
When I met my therapist for the first time, I told her (you know what I’m going to say, no?) that I really wanted to move through the disaster that had been my last relationship. I said that I felt crappy and I just wanted to feel better again. If I could accomplish that while also somewhat wiping my brain and heart free of any of the memories or thoughts of him, great. That would work too. I didn’t talk about my relationship patterns. I didn’t speak to my diminished and battered self-worth. I didn’t express anything aspirational about my future. I just told her that I didn’t want to feel like garbage anymore.
I know you might be thinking that it was a good place to start. I don’t disagree with you, at all. It was a fantastic place to start. The issue is that I didn’t want to take it any further. She took a cue from my starting place and was attempting to guide me into the real stuff, the tough stuff and I was not having it. I was perfectly comfortable just leaving everything as it was, with one exception. Just make me feel better.
To her credit, she encouraged me to think bigger but I was too resistant. And so, she got me through the tough stuff. Every time he reached out to me or I saw him, we discussed how to manage my feelings. Every time I had to communicate with him, we discussed how I could best respond. Every time I felt generally despondent, we discussed strategies that I could employ to make my feel incrementally better (i.e. take a walk, watch a fun movie, etc.). We would occasionally touch on the bigger stuff, but I made sure that those moments were brief.
One day I felt better. I was so excited. She agreed with me that therapy was no longer warranted, with a caveat. She advised me that if I needed a refresher or maintenance, I should reach out. Why would I need that? I was fine. She told me, without pulling any punches, that I had somewhat neglected the much bigger issues at play and for that reason, I would likely be confronted with similar issues time and again. She advised that if I were ever ready, she would gladly help walk me through to the other side, but until then, she would help bandage my wound and send me back on my way.
Fine. Sure. Whatever.
Well, until I started to date again. Then the proverbial you know what hit the fan. You’ll just have to wait on that bit.
L.
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