I like carbs.

Happy Friday kids. Let’s keep on the truth telling business, shall we?

I buy shit that I see advertised by influencers. I get influenced. I’m not ashamed of this. I’m grateful that someone else has done the work to find an obscure thing that makes me happy. They are a human representation of Google, without thinking of the perfect search term or pressing GO. When my sister and I play phone tag, there are times I laugh and other times where I feel irrationally annoyed. Same goes for technology issues while enjoying FaceTime with my parents. Sometimes I am nonplussed and other times, I want to throw my phone in the garbage. I like carbs. Not low carb substitutions. I make changes to recipes to make them healthier sometimes but it is never with carbs in mind. I find carbs fun and comforting and a good addition to my life. I exercise because it keeps me normal and I like fitting into my [skinny] jeans. I can’t use dry shampoo because my hair is curly as fuck and that would never work. I wear mascara everywhere. Not because I’m hoping to pick up a husband but because it’s my thing. I have moments where I look in the mirror and feel good and I have moments where I feel like a creature from the lagoon. Not cute one. Not a mermaid. Something scary and off-putting.

I’ve been cheated on in every single relationship I’ve ever had. I’ve allowed myself to be emotionally abused. I’ve lied to protect myself. I’ve failed to take responsibility for what I’ve done to destroy relationships. I’ve failed to defend myself. I’ve failed to learn lessons quickly enough. I’ve decided I’m going to change and I do and then I go back to where I’ve started. Again and again.

I read voraciously. I love the library. I go through periods where I struggle to read despite my love of it, and so often, I’ll just listen to books during those periods. Sometimes I can’t tolerate any of it at all. Sometimes I want nothing more than to read but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Not hard copy book, not audio book, nada.

I’m a shitty sleeper but I won’t take medication for it, generally speaking. I will enjoy herbal solutions. I am not ashamed of this fact. I am proud when I remember so I can once again function as a normal human.

I get anxious when I run late, I talk too much, and I unabashedly say exactly what I think and feel. It troubles me when people don’t like me but I don’t change my behavior to shift that paradigm or their view of me. I say things and then feel shitty about the things I’ve said. Then I feel ridiculous for feeling shitty.

I am not less than because I’m 40 and single without children. However, sometimes that fact makes me sad. Then sometimes I wonder why being a woman is intrinsically linked with fertility in every way. Why having kids or not is even something to mention. Why it always has to be a topic of discussion. Sometimes I wonder why it hasn’t happened for me. I used to sometimes own my part in all of it. Now, I always own my part in it. I always shift from sad to good. Always. I know my life is not diminished because of my relationship status.

I don’t think we need to show the world we love each other every day. I think we need to love ourselves every day. I think we should authentically live in the world every day. I think we should show the people we love that we love them when we feel it and how we feel it.

I think we should not make holidays out of love. Well, until we get what the fuck it means. When we get there, let’s make a holiday. I will celebrate the fuck out of love when I understand what it means. I’m working on it.

I do love you guys. All five of you reading this. I really do. I appreciate your attention, your time, your thoughts.

Don’t feel like you are less than because of all the ways in which you don’t measure up to contrived standards. Part your hair on the side. Wear skinny jeans. Eat the white Sweethearts. They are pure sugar and better for it. They will convert to fat and I will squeeze that juicy part of me, unapologetic for my indulgence. Don’t tell anyone you love them today, except yourself. Tell yourself that you love you. If you don’t, work on that too. Work on it until it’s real and you believe it. If not every single day, then more days than not.

xo

L.