Oops.

When I was researching my posts for this week, I ran into so many quotes that enraged me. So many thoughts from others that exemplify this mostly broken system whereas we act like assholes and then apologize, where we pretend that we can handle stuff that we can’t, and where we act like apologizing again and again for the same shit makes us noble.

There are three in particular that boiled my blood and I’ll get to each one. They were unattributed when I stumbled upon them, so if someone wants to claim authorship or knowledge of such, please drop a line.

Here is today’s quote for discussion: “An apology is a lovely perfume. It can transform the clumsiest moment intro a gracious gift.”

I am going to throw out some of my ideas and thoughts and then I am going to pose some questions for you. Feel free to reply or just ponder by yourself.

On its face, this quote isn’t entirely untrue and the sentiment is sort of, kind of nice. But it’s not, not really. Why do I think that? Well underneath the innocence and charm of those words when read together, there is an intimation that we can take a shitty situation or a terrible occurrence and somehow make it better with an apology.

Yes, there are scenarios where this is absolutely spot on. I bump into someone at a party, like literally physically bump another human (feels so damn long ago that this was even a possibility, right?!), and I instantly offer an apology. I am sorry. It was an accident. They might have felt annoyed because my bump caused them to spill some of their drink, but I’ve smiled and apologized and now, we have an ‘in’ to conversing with one another. We’ve met because of this awkward situation whereas I acknowledged my misstep.

Of course, that is an innocent example and there are certainly more intense examples where this has actually caused a bond, a connection. I had a woman approach me once and tell me that she was sleeping with my boyfriend at the time. She had found out that he was involved with someone else by happenstance, was sickened by it, and was looking to make it right by telling him to pound sand and explaining the situation to me. We didn’t become friends because well, life isn’t a Hallmark movie, but her honesty and generally acceptable handling all around, allowed to me to give my boyfriend the heave-ho, which was long overdue. It was a gift. She had burst my bubble and I could no longer give myself permission to live in la-la land. I mean, I suppose I could have elected not to believe her, but there was compelling evidence that she was telling the truth (mostly the fact that he was a raging douchebag resonated with me) and that was that.

There are also a million other situations whereas something that we do causes offense to another person and apologizing to them allows them to feel seen and heard and acknowledged. Truthfully, there are occurrences when these types of apologies are a little hollow but they are still well intended and they, for lack of a better phrase, do the trick.

A friend of mine had been trying for sometime to have a baby and was entirely unsuccessful. It was heartbreaking and really awful all around. In the same week, she found out that her sister and one of her close friends had conceived. They didn’t do anything wrong by getting pregnant. At all. No one expected them to not try because she had not been successful. Yet both of them offered something of an apology to her. They didn’t apologize for getting pregnant or being pregnant or being excited about the news. They apologized for the experience that she was having as a result of the news. They recognized that the news might cause her pain and they said that they were sorry that she was experiencing pain. As we are humans, it’s entirely possible that there was some part of them that was frustrated to offer such sentiments. Don’t you dare cringe. You know what I’m saying is the truth. Haven’t you ever won something that you and someone else were striving for? Maybe you haven’t. Maybe you’ve been out to dinner and the meal you ordered happens to be great and the meal your friend/partner/dinner companion order is not so hot. Some part of you resents having to offer an apology. It’s not your fault that they lose or made a sub-par choice. And yet, there is a compassionate part of your being that wants to acknowledge that even though you didn’t cause that upset, you are still sorry that they are having that certain experience.

That is an important nuance to acknowledge too. I think there is something profound in acknowledging someone’s pain without taking ownership of it. That was a really tough lesson that I had to learn, particularly when I started to shape my relationships to suit what I needed and wanted. I was so used to apologizing for everything that it wasn’t out of turn for me to apologize for myself.

This is what that looked like: “I’m so sorry that I am offended and hurt by your behavior. I am sorry that I am too sensitive. I’m sorry that I can’t be okay with _________.” Fuck that shit. Nope. There are appropriate occasions where we own our crappy and inappropriate behavior. Those phrases that I just wrote for your viewing pleasure are not cool, at all. I’m even going to go so far as to tell you that if you have a person in your life that demands this of you or relishes when you offer it up, they are shitty humans. Sorry, it’s the truth. Maybe they won’t be shitty if they grow and develop, but until that day, I truly believe you should back the fuck away from them. As quickly as possible.

What does that whole idea look when it’s right side up? Here goes: “I’m sorry that we can’t remain friends/our friendship needs to change. This doesn’t feel good for me.” Period. End of story. It’s not more complicated than that. We own who we are and what works for us and then, if we feel compelled, we can acknowledge and feel sorry for another’s pain, without taking ownership of it.

Accountability is a beautiful and necessary thing in life, but we must be careful as to when we truly take responsibility for something. If you are acting like a terror, that IS on you. If you are just being you and someone is offended by that, you should look at that behavior and if everything is a-okay, you can (but don’t have to) apologize if they are pained but do NOT apologize for being the cause of such. This is a bit of a tightrope walk, so think on it a bit.

More tomorrow.

L.