We live in a society filled with offensive behavior and all the apologies. We ladle out the word sorry as if it bears some meaning beyond its actual meaning. At the heart of it all is unapologetic behavior that is mostly followed by apologies. We apologize because we think it’s what we should say. I wonder how often we mean it underneath all of that ‘because I should’ sentiments floating around.
To be clear, I’m not beginning some long-winded tirade on why apologizing is unnecessary. Not at all. I think the problem is that we have mostly lost the sense of when it is appropriate to apologize and also, we have collectively decided as a society that it is better to ask for forgiveness than say excuse me. Meaning that we have decided certain behavior is less than acceptable but we decide to plow forward anyway with the idea in mind that we will just make up for it with a humble explanation down the road.
I also think it is meaningful for me to clarify that I am not suggesting we should consider the world’s reaction to every single damn thing we do. I feel like I’ve spoken about that very affliction before and how totally damaging it can be to one’s psyche.
I am saying that there is a middle ground and somewhere along the way, we forgot how to identify that middle ground. Or maybe we just stopped trying because it felt like forgiveness was going to be forthcoming either way and thus, it didn’t matter. I’m not really sure and maybe it’s a mix of everything and all the things yet to be explored.
Last week there were at least three people that I interacted with who rattled off the word sorry in some fashion and I was absolutely certain that it held no meaning whatsoever. I mean it. Not a shred of sentimentality or compassion or even fucking curiosity. Okay, maybe a little ‘what’s really going on’ but very little. Not enough to carry that apology beyond words to something more meaningful or powerful.
I am also not interested in sitting on some high horse where I lecture anyone reading this for being shitty. I have definitely been this person before. Sometimes there is not even ill intent behind my words, but rather, I’m not sure what to say and so those words roll off my tongue. It’s not that I don’t feel badly for that person, it’s just that the response is fairly inadequate at the time or just misplaced in the greater scheme of what I want to say or what I need to say.
So, I’ve made a commitment to paying attention to all the ways in which I use those words or that phrase. All the times in which I apologize for myself or I offer the gesture to another. If I’m being entirely honest, I am probably most genuine when I am apologizing for myself and that sort of sucks. Like why would I constantly apologize for who I am? And if I keep doing the thing that I believe requires an apology, does it really mean anything or has it just become a tool that I use to placate people who I offend?
That is a really important point for me because it’s something that bothers me when it’s coming at me. The friendships that have shifted for me lately all have that in common. I was constantly dealing with folks who apologized for the same behavior over and over again. I’m not going to make some broad sweeping statement that they weren’t working on the things they were apologizing for because I don’t know the inner work they have been doing or have done. I can only say that from my seat, it was Groundhog Day and that repetitive action always ended with some form of sorry.
What if we started to own our behavior in a different way? What if we started to either resolve the things within us that we don’t care for or alternatively, just accept them? I think that latter bit presents folks with the most challenges. The funny part is that the end result of that objective, which is staying the same-ish, is happening. The difference is that the individual isn’t accepting of that plan and so it causes turmoil, within them and in their relationships.
Let’s give a very specific example that we can explore this a bit more deeply.
I have a friend who loses herself in relationships. From my seat, I feel this very juvenile sense of abandonment every time she connects herself to someone else (male or female) because she clearly has a burning desire to attach herself until she reaches a point of security or has tired of the interaction. As I’ve voiced to her that this is troubling to me, she tends to apologize. Over and over again.
In this particular example, we are both broken and stubborn as fuck.
I am refusing to accept that this is who she is as a person and it is either going to be tolerable for me or entirely intolerable (in which case I should hit the road). She is refusing to own who she really is which would include skipping promises to ‘change’ and all the acts of contrition I have to be subject to as she tries to ‘fix’ it.
We become deadlocked in a going nowhere fast situation whereas I expect that one day she’ll change and she hopes that one day she’ll change or I’ll change. We are living in a future that won’t happen and can’t exist and this causes a whole lot of misery for the present.
This is just one example but I believe it to be commonplace. I know that I have this interaction with a few people and yes, I recognize that makes it my problem. That’s a beautiful part of this exploration of apologies exercise. We get to see all the ways in which we are setting ourselves or others up to fail. We get to see the relationships where we are endlessly circling the drain.
It is tough. Really. I’m not claiming this is easy. At the end of the day, we might need to admit to ourselves that we just can’t do it, and that is really fucking hard, but also, necessary.
Are you ready?
L.
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