Are you ready for the last quote that bugged me to no end? Okay: “Apologizing doesn’t always mean that you are wrong and the other is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.” Sigh.
Like the other quotes I’ve shared with you over the last few days, there is some value to this concept. What I mean by that is that there are definitively situations where there is no real element of right or wrong. I’ve already given examples of this very thing but it never hurts to revisit (or maybe you are new here). There are times that our behavior or something that occurs is harmful or damaging to another human. It’s not wrong or inappropriate behavior, but it is impactful for them. There are even occasions where we truly cannot understand why they are sad or hurt or offended by the thing that happened. To top off this mystery sundae, there are occasions where we don’t understand why someone is reacting as they are, but some basic part of us recognizes that an apology will make things better. It may not fix things but it will improve things greatly.
An important point in the aforementioned described scenarios is that the apology that is offered up is on point and genuine, or as sincere as it can be. As a general rule, I don’t believe we should ever apologize for things that we didn’t do, can’t control, or where we aren’t in agreement. I do think that we can always acknowledge another human’s pain. We can tell them that we are sorry that they are suffering. Hell, we can even tell them that we don’t understand where they are coming from but we feel sorry for their pain. That’s some real shit right there. Many of us aren’t capable of that because we are afraid of how that makes us look, but it’s really, really honest.
What does that look like? Well, we can say to someone that we aren’t able to fully understand their reaction or pain but we don’t wish for them to be in pain, regardless. We acknowledge that the circumstances are nearly irrelevant as the thing that matters is their suffering and our desire to not bear witness to their pain. It is important to not be self-directed in these endeavors. If we are offering up these feelings or thoughts because we are uncomfortable and want to make ourselves feel better, I suggest that we go back to the drawing board.
I can tell you that I’ve been around people who are unraveling because of something and I find myself feeling embarrassed. I just want that feeling to cease and so, if feels appropriate to apologize. Appease them. I’m so sorry that waiter brought you the wrong meal, that hotel called for a wake-up at the wrong time, your girlfriend cheated on you, and so on and so forth. I’m sorry, now please calm down and be quiet. Nah. Don’t do that. Let someone rage. Give them permission to feel all the feelings. If you are disquieted by their expression, then take a step back and give them space to do their thing. If you are in public and their behavior is causing a spectacle, you can express that you’d wish them to work through their feelings in private, but be prepared to be leveled. More often than not, a walk away is the best way to handle it. Don’t condescend to that person. I know you are upset and I get why you feel that way, but I am not on board with handling it like this. I’m not going to stop you, but I’m going to give you space to do your thing. I’ll be somewhere when you are done.
This is not easy. At all. This is the messy side to being human that most of us fuck up too often. We are paralyzed by our own hyper focus on what other people think of us. What if we disassociated though? I’m not suggesting letting someone be abusive, but I am saying that we can divorce ourselves of someone else’s behavior and not take ownership of it. And, at some point, we may want to consider why we continue to link ourselves with someone who routinely makes us feel that way. They are who they are and we are who we are. If the two don’t really mesh, why fit a square peg into a round hole? Just saying.
Here is the real problem with the quote I shared above. The real issue is not just the basic insincerity of the whole thing, but it’s the suggestion that the one apologizing thinks they are right, but they are offering an apology as some indication that they have it within them to be that person. What does that mean? Well usually, we don’t just do a thing like that and move on. Nope. It eats away at us. We create a score board whereas we have 1 and that person has 0. I was right and I apologized to fix this thing that is broken between us, and therefore, I am the better friend/partner/person in this relationship. You are inferior and egotistical. I am enlightened and open-minded.
Please. Stop. Every part of this thought process is misguided and counter to the purpose of an apology. It’s like someone raising a surrender flag and then opening fire when they reach mid-field to shake hands.
Do people fail to apologize from time to time because they are egotistical monsters? You bet your ass. 100%. No question. However, that’s not always the case. Sometimes an apology is not offered up because an apology is not acceptable. Unwarranted. Even unnecessary.
You know what phrase I find makes people more uncomfortable than nearly any other? Let’s agree to disagree. Man oh man, people get fucking crazy. You are allowing them to maintain their feelings and thoughts and you are asking for the same respect in return. And yet, this challenges most people. Why do you insist on maintaining your feelings? Why can’t you be swayed to my side of the universe? There must be something wrong with your thinking or with mine. Nope.
That’s the whole thing. Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes people are offended just because they are sensitive about something, a thing. Often times situations affect us differently because of how we are built. The sooner we accept this reality, the better off we will be. You can always acknowledge another human’s pain and express that you are sorry they are feeling that way. That’s lovely and compassionate. But apologizing just because? Nah. That’s nonsense. Truly.
Think on that.
L.
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