Happy Friday all. Cool, cool. I’ve gone online and pulled up quotes that bothered me and torn the notions to shreds. But, what now? How do we know when to apologize? Is this something else that we have to analyze and overthink and second guess? Nope. Not even close. That’s the whole thing. I believe that we might have to unlearn some behavior that was taught to us as youngsters or picked up as a method of self-protection over the years. I am not sitting here and thinking that unlearning ingrained behavior is simple or easy, but I am suggesting that once it is identified and the desire to move away from it is expressed, the rest of it is definitely easier.
Like all intentions, the thought or need has to be genuine. We can’t want something because it sounds good or looks good. If that is what motivates us, I believe that we will often end up back where we started. We will fail.
Sadly, we often have to experience a trauma or hit rock bottom to feel compelled to change things, but not always. I’m encouraging you to explore this notion before you get to the bottom of the barrel, so to speak.
Where can you start? Well, when it comes to apologizing, you can begin by observing how often you utter apologies (and in what context) and how often you are receiving them from people who are close to you. Pay attention to the context in which they are being offered, the feeling that resonates within after the offering (or receipt), and what happens after the dust settles.
We can start with some basic metrics or some bottom line understanding of how to look at this “data” or information. If we are apologizing every hour on the hour (or something like that) or receiving an apology the same way, there is something to be looked at there. I’ll actually take it a step further. There are times when an apology every day or once a week is troublesome, particularly if it is offered for the same damn behavior. That’s the perfect example of an unhealthy pattern. We want to ask ourselves why the apology is out there and why the behavior never changes. That’s very meaningful. The response doesn’t need to be shared but it should be brutally and brilliantly gritty. Get down to the studs on that one.
What do I mean by that? Well, if a significant other is apologizing every single day for yelling at you when s/he comes home from work, perhaps it’s meaningful to own the fact that they are using you as an end-of-the-day punching bag and only offering an apology because it seems like the thing to do. They aren’t seeking an alternative method for expressing their frustration. They are just doing their thing and then acknowledging that a lame ass apology will enable them to continue doing the thing. Well, until you put a stop to it.
Maybe this doesn’t really bother you. I mean I don’t know how the fuck that’s even possible, but I am very sensitive so it seems unimaginable. Maybe it doesn’t though. Maybe you understand that their work day is frustrating and the raging is not at all personal and you are able to not take it personally, and so, the apology is merely a sign of the end of the daily rant. This would drive me fucking batty, but if that is the case for you, then all is well in the world. It’s not for me to tell you what should bother you, at all. However, if you feel like garbage for the result of the night and into the morning, that should tell you that the apology, while perhaps a ceasefire of sorts, is insufficient and thus, inappropriate. Worthless.
Maybe you are okay with a certain level of end of the day raging. A little grumpiness, some sullenness, and some quiet. Some uncomfortable quiet. However, maybe your acceptance of this behavior gives it room to breathe and grow and escalate. This happens, you know. It’s not even a conscious energy that shifts things sometimes. Not at all. Human nature sets the tone such that if we get away with A, we are likely to push boundaries at B. That doesn’t make us horrible people, it’s just human nature. So maybe you were okay with the original behavior but you are not cool with the escalation of that behavior. You are entitled to draw a line. Hey, bud, the apology used to do the trick, but now, not cool. Not enough, not okay.
I will caution you that it’s hard to protest the newer, more expansive version of a behavior if you accepted the smaller shit. I know, you don’t want to hear that but it’s the truth. That is the reason why I’ve often encouraged you to be brutally honest about the things that irk you just a little. To stay on top of them and to sometimes put a stop to shit on principle. That’s right, I said it and I’m not sorry. Your partner being a bag of shit when they get home may be understandable and it may not initially rile you up, but no human deserves to be used in that way. You can gently explain that you recognize that they struggle when they get out of work and so, you intend on giving them space to explore those feelings and you expect them to take that space and stay the fuck away from you. Run on the treadmill, take a walk, yell into the wind. Do whatever you need to do, so long as it doesn’t involve ripping me to shreds over my choice of dinner food or the way I folded the blanket on the couch.
Being a chronic over-apologizer or the victim of one, doesn’t make you a bigger person or a better person. You aren’t brave or humble. Not at all. You are participating in the worst kind of fraud out there. The perpetuation of fake and insincere feelings. No one has time for that shit. You don’t need to stand on ceremony, just like you don’t need to rage over every situation that bothers you. You can start to parcel out what means what and when it’s best used. I’ll tell you something, it’s pretty fucking magical when apologies start to count. It really is. It’s amazing how things feel when we are only saying that we are sorry when we are, and we are only accepting apologies that come straight from the heart. Good stuff right there.
Have a great weekend.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 