Are you hungry for more? Sorry, I couldn’t resist. So, I started with a quote and then went down the rabbit hole of food talk. Seems appropriate as I love me some food, but also, I understand why we need to tie things up a little tighter.
Milk at dinner is not my love language. It wasn’t then, and it isn’t now. Also, I fucking love me some gluten free Oreos at the age of forty, but I can’t recall too many instances of having the chock full o gluten versions all that often, save birthday parties. Do they serve Oreos at birthday parties?
I never considered milk served as a dinner beverage because it was not my norm, the same way that I imagine my Doritos and coffee cake eating school pals never understood the excitement behind a mini box of raisins or a white cheddar rice cake. We knew what we knew.
So, if you are presented with a version of relationships and then you continue to have relationships that follow the same patterns and themes, it’s hard to imagine that a world exists outside of that. Even when we want to change things, it’s the shift to an unknown. What do I mean by that and how does this all tie back to day 1? I’m getting there. Relax.
I may have only been involved in relationships that are plagued by dysfunction in one form or another. This is a definitive possibility. Okay, it’s true. And so, my relationship landscape has been molded and shaped by that brokenness. However, I’m able to step outside of myself and see what appears to be more functional relationships. We all know that what things appear to be in not always what they are, but with that in mind, I see relationships that are not plagued with poor communication and cycles of emotional abuse. That looks lovely and certainly appeals, but the path to get there seems twisty and impossible. I can’t find my way to that side of things, at all.
I know what I know. It’s as sure as breathing or walking and although something else might appeal, I don’t know how to get there. And when we can’t make a sure plan when it comes to anything, that’s usually when the fear kicks in. At least for me that’s how it works. Wanting something, even wanting it badly is not enough.
It’s just like the time I tried trapeze. I was really excited but also nervous, but mostly excited. When I got there, the guide who walked us through everything spoke in a really circular and confusing fashion. The less I clearly understood, the more anxiety I had. I was scared for the whole thing but it was fear that emerged as a result of known risks. I was scared of falling. I hadn’t considered the other shit. You know, like logistics.
No matter how badly we want something, when we are scared or intimidated, we tend to go in the opposite direction. That is exactly what happens when our learned behavior bumps up against our desired behavior or interaction.
So what happens? Do we plow through our fear and do the damn thing? No, not usually. Usually we find ways to distort the thing we want and back into what we know. We bolster that thing that is second nature to us because that just feels better.
If I know connections to be ”intense, inexplicable and ultimately incomplete”, I assume that is how all interactions are and even if I crave connections that are calmer, softer, understandable and whole, I don’t really know how to get there. I might tell myself that while that desired connection appears more satisfying, it wouldn’t be in the long run. I burrow into my preconceived notions and broken habits like a well-worn and often used blanket. I shield myself from the scariness of the ‘who knows.’
Cool. So how does this all go back to what I was first talking about? Well, I believe that we are currently in the process of creating a paradigm. We are all working together in some robotic uniform fashion to maintain an illusion that the way in which we interact (flippant, haphazard, inconsistent, uber casual) is “normal” and satisfying. Instead of seeking ways to remedy this disturbing trend, we are working to find ways to shut ourselves down so we don’t feel the agony of this interaction.
If that gentleman I spoke about on Monday was someone who meant something to me, I might be completely bent that he vanished and then dipped back again. However, if I’m repeatedly told that this behavior is the norm and to be expected, then I might try and train myself to not react. I might start by telling myself that I am overreacting. Being dramatic. Being too hard on him. Being unfair. So yeah, self-criticism would lead the way. I would then move squarely into burying my feelings, because we all know that they wouldn’t go ANYWHERE just by virtue of a little self-abuse sesh.
I would find the deepest, darkest corner of my insides and I would put all of my disappointment there, so that when this dickhead decided to come around, I’d have my excitement game ready to go. Of course, those yucky feelings would find a way to come out. Nothing like that stays buried (that sounded a bit like a horror movie, right? Well, it is…). What’s worse is that it comes out in a forceful, ugly, inappropriate torrent. We often don’t control when it emerges or under what circumstances. I’ve found that more often than not, we unleash on the wrong person at the wrong time.
Meaning, we weren’t being overly dramatic or ridiculous to begin with but now we’ve entered that territory because we tried to escape our true feelings.
What if we faced them head on? What If we collectively decided that enough is enough and we deserve better. We want intense connections but not those fraught with anger, unreliability, and destruction. We want intense connections that we can grow to rely on. We want intense connections that are beautiful and life affirming. We don’t need our connections to be perfect, but we want them to feel satisfying instead of being left wanting. What if we decided that is the way to move forward?
Well, the first bit is wanting it. Isn’t it always?
L.
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