We always say that money can’t buy happiness but then we push ourselves to work a trillion hours. Not everyone. Some of us are smarter than others and some of us are just plain old lazy. Generally speaking, we don’t often advocate for our own work-life balance. Not even a little. It’s tragic really.
I was having a tough time at work recently and talking to a colleague about it. I said that the worst part about the whole thing is that I felt defeated at the thing or in the place where I arguably spend most of my time.
I will say that there is no question that the pandemic has made this worse. I know that people have various opinions and I get that, but for me, socialization has been very limited and for that reason, it seemed natural to throw myself even more determinedly into work. Like a lunatic. Then shit was difficult and I felt despondent. Some of that definitely has to do with the choices I was making and some of that was just life. What became clear pretty damn quickly is that for many of us, relationships with others cultivates a certain level of satisfaction or happiness.
I know that this is going to be a tough one for some of you, and even for me sometimes. There are many of us that are more introverted or who have had bad relationship experiences, particularly as of late. You are thinking I don’t really feel like my best self around other people, so how could this possibly apply to me? Well, the truth is, it may not entirely. You might be a super small circle kinda person. That’s okay. I’d be hard pressed to believe that you are a ‘I’m just by myself and living the dream’ kind of person, but I am not going to discredit that paradigm.
Generally speaking, most of us need some face time with one or more persons. We may not be huggers or touchy-feely or overly talkative. But, we need something. We need support or just basic interaction. Most of us crave something like that, even if it comes in different form than works for others. Sometimes we need people to lean on and than other times, it’s just the comfort of their presence. We truly just need someone to be around because it gives us the feeling of not being so lost in the world.
I can tell you that was my struggle for a good part of the pandemic, and I had to do work to make sure that I was feeding the part of me that needed interaction and human connection. God bless FaceTime and Zoom and socially distant walks and heat lamps. The same way that five minutes of exercise is meaningful, there is something to be said for alternative or modified ways of socializing. That goes for a pandemic but also, for friends or family that we can’t see in person for one reason or another. We make due. Better to do something than nothing. Sure, it can be strange but do it anyway. Don’t get stuck on the idea that it’s different or weird. Embrace the fact that you can forge a connection in so many different ways.
Sometimes we feel compelled to cut ourselves off from the world. Maybe we are having physical insecurities or issues or maybe we are tired or maybe we feel really hurt. All of this happens. It is very real and very valid. We can take a little time and regroup, but the truth is that nothing good comes from a full retreat that goes on for an extended period of time. We lose our ability to benefit from human interaction. We lose perspective and touch points. The impact on our mental well-being is staggering.
I think there is also something to be said about having the context that other humans’ experiences provide for us. I’ve talked about this before but this is honestly a really big deal and worth diving into. I don’t want to ever take away from anyone’s sorrow or unhappiness or anxiety. We all have the right to have something that is our very own harm or discomfort. However, sometimes it helps to pull ourselves out of things when we are able to consider the bigger picture. Sometimes we are motivated to do the work we need to do in order to reset when we have the benefit of real perspective. Without that perspective, and without interaction, it is entirely possible that we will grow something well beyond where it belongs.
I have literally had an about face when a friend has told me to chill out. In a loving, gentle patient way, of course. But still. Like, dude, get a grip. It’s fine. You’ll be fine. The world is bigger than ____. You get to feel sad and mad and frustrated but then dig out of it and start over. Brush yourself off. Put on your big girl pants. All of the above.
Please keep in mind that this is coming from someone who can be prickly from time to time. I love love but on my terms, when it feels right for me. Thus, if I am telling you that you need people, you need people. You don’t need a ton of people. In fact, sometimes being surrounded by too many people who aren’t really your people can feel lonelier and more difficult. Find a balance. Find what works for you. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that there are rules or parameters attached to this. There aren’t and I really mean that. You have to surround yourself with the people who feel good for you and you only.
Connect with your mom, a neighbor, your favorite disclaimer friend, an old boyfriend. Sometimes who we need at any moment surprises us. There are times when I’ve spoken to everyone who I think will bring me comfort and then bam, I connect with someone unexpectedly and it’s a game changer for me. Maybe they are willing to give me the tough love I need, or maybe their shit seems infinitely worse, or maybe they actually are pretty awful and it makes us appreciate the other people we have in our life. Again, no rules. Connect with whom you want, when you want. But make sure you connect. Always and honestly, as often as you can bear it.
Ciao for now.
L.
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