I’ve never been a fake smiler. Truly. I’m not posturing or trying to impress you when I say that. It’s the truth. I’ve just always been one of those people who reserves smiling for when it counts; when it’s genuine and quite frankly, when it matters. The problem is that a lot went to shit and then it seemed that there wasn’t much worth smiling for and then, strangely enough, it became more difficult to smile when I wanted to.
Did that make any sense to you? Kind of doesn’t make sense to me and I’m the one sharing it, so I get if it’s perplexing. I think when we get used to not feeling something, or more to the point, not expressing a particular feeling, it’s harder to call upon. The same way that when we acclimate ourselves to any one expression or sentiment, it becomes second nature.
You know the expression resting bitch face (RBF), right? I have a love/hate when it comes to that particular descriptor. It seems really derogatory and sort of unkind, but then also, extremely on point when it comes to certain people. The thing is, some folks that have that permanent scowl on their faces are legitimately shitty humans. They are mean and nasty and they want the world to know about it. Know about them. Revere them. Some people have been wronged or harmed and they’ve taken to putting up a wall as a self-protective mechanism, and that is what we are seeing when we look at them. More often than not, these folks have no idea that their expression is challenging for others. It’s just a face that they have gotten used to making and that is that.
The reality is that it’s pretty easy to disconnect from our expressions, particularly when they originate deep within us. If I have a solidly rooted sense of self-loathing, I might not even be super conscious that I am showing that to the world in a thousand different ways. Maybe my shoulders and back are rounded, I’m constantly looking down, and more often than not, I have a frown on my face. These are all clues that tell the world ‘stay away, nothing good to be found here’ but I don’t even know that’s going on, because I am way too stuck in the negative head space that I’ve created for myself.
What does all of this have to do with where I started? Well, if we are out of practice smiling, it’s going to feel like an ill-fitting sweater when we attempt to smile, whether prompted or spontaneous. So, is faking it the way to practice smiles? Nope. You have to find things that make you smile.
You may be rolling your eyes right now. Cool, great, if I knew how to make myself smile, don’t you think I’d be doing it this whole damn time? Yes. No. Not really. I’m not sure.
Our universe can be filled with events or situations that make us unhappy. I don’t even think I need to provide you with a list here, because I’m guessing you can make your own. When we face days filled with struggle and challenges and naysayers and saboteurs and failure that we have no control over, we have to try and find a silver lining. It might be a sliver. A teeny tiny space filled with something that merely resembles hope. But, it’s there. You just have to search for it sometimes, and that’s a choice.
I have a few friends that despise when I say shit like that. They do. And on many levels, I get it. I do. I’ve spoken before about having the freedom to wallow. I’ve described ways to give yourself space to feel all the things and react the way in which feels entirely natural to you. However, I’ve also encouraged you to find a clear and concise and efficient way to bounce back. Just kidding. The way back is usually messy and circuitous and all over the fucking place. The point is, you don’t have to stay there. I don’t like ‘shouldn’ts’ at all, but this point is as close as I come. Staying in that head space is self-defeating and well, pretty pointless.
I am not suggesting you can snap your fingers and just get to a better place, but like all tough stuff, the first step is wanting to get there. The second step is finding opportunities, or openings on the path. Sorry, let me rephrase. The second step is creating opportunities or digging out those openings. Sometimes that creation isn’t actual manifestation at all. Sometimes it’s as simple as avoidance. A friend of mine who has been struggling with some major life decisions made a choice to beg out of a social situation that she knew would bring her joy initially and then pain on the back end. The choice wasn’t easy, at all, but in the end, she was finding her happiness. In that case, it was the joy found in the meaningful avoidance of pain. She smiled as she shared the story that she knew “would make me proud” and I knew behind that grin was deep pain, but she was able to appreciate this one magical decision and also, she found light in my pride and support.
This may sound really bullshitty to you guys and I get it. I really do. However, when you start to make this happen, a change occurs. It’s not a change to all the things you always thought you wanted. This isn’t a lesson on how to will the universe to deliver. Not even close. This is a thought process that involves shifting what you want and the way you see the world to get yourself closer to satisfaction and peace, and further away from despair and disappointment.
And for the love of God, stop doing the same shit over and over again and expecting a different result (the very definition of insanity). One of my very best friends in this world dates relentlessly, without break or breath. He has a ton of good stories, but hasn’t really found his person. Why? Well, for a million different reasons but there’s one in particular I want to point out, as follows: the dating has lost its luster. It’s routine. An endless pursuit. Habit. What if he took a breath and a break? What if he took a step back and focused on other things that bring him joy? Working out. His niece and nephew. Hiking. What if he celebrated all the ways in which he is whole instead of combatting one dating disaster after the next?
We cannot control what is dished out to us, but we can absolutely control our reaction, our response. Just start with one little thing that makes you smile every morning. Mine is a cup of earl grey tea and a photo of my niece and nephew. You?
L.
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