Christine D’Ercole is an absolutely incredibly Peloton instructor. Her classes are challenging but that’s not what I like best about her. You know what it is? Her authenticity. Her encouragement. Her honesty. I know you might be rolling your eyes right about now but I assure you, I’ve attended MANY an exercise class and I’m a pretty good judge of these things. If my radar is off here, which I don’t think it is, I’m still a fan of her messaging. She talks about self-love and body positivity in a way that is grounded and leaves room for normalcy. What do I mean by that? She leaves a wide berth for bad days and setbacks and a variety of insecurities. She doesn’t pretend like we can all snap our fingers and magically be self-loving rock stars. Nope. She merely invites everyone to consider the possibility of acceptance. Yes.
So, that’s where I want to start today. I’m going to begin a bit more pointedly by quoting Christine. I’ll tell you that I was so inspired by this quote, that I took it down whilst in the middle of a pretty intense ride. I paused, sweaty and breathing heavy, to make sure I recorded this sentiment for posterity. So, it must have been a good one, right? Right.
Okay, here it is: “Why does it have to be an act of defiance to be true to yourself?”
Bam. Wow. Right?
Did that grab you the same way that it did me? Maybe not. Maybe yes.
I talk a lot on this blog about being authentic. I have spoken many times about how to find your way to your truth. Part of that exploration is digging deep to find courage, or at least that’s what I’ve thought about and what I’ve encouraged from time to time. I’ve told you all that you have to be brave to express your truest self. Then I heard Christine utter the words I just shared and it kind of knocked me on my ass. It challenged almost every notion I’ve ever had.
I started to ask myself in a very real and non-judgmental way why it takes courage to be true to who we are. Well, because we are afraid, right? We are ultimately afraid that people won’t like us. They will judge us. They will reject us. Once we show our underbelly, our truest truth, and people show us that they don’t care for that person, what do we do then?
Well, what if we learned that is an okay scenario? What if someone walking away because they don’t care for who we are shouldn’t encourage us to change but rather, gets us to a place where we are surrounded by people (one or more) who actually get us and love us for who we are, deep down, where it counts?
I want to disclaimer here. I know, no one likes a caveat, but I think it’s important to toss this in for the sake of being 100% on the same page. You may be acting super shitty and that alienates some folks around you. Maybe you are going through something or maybe you aren’t going through anything at all. Maybe you’ve just given yourself permission to act nasty or like a brat. Maybe you have given yourself a pass, rationalizing that if people love you for you, they’ll accept you in every form you come in. Well, there’s some truth to that, but honestly, it has to be passing. The notion that you could be a difficult bag of shit for like, ever, and have people hang in there, is not only irrational, but immature. People accepting you for you doesn’t mean they are signing up for relentless abuse. It simply means that they can roll with your quirks and hang in there when you are having a crap time with things.
You CAN take a crappy or difficult personality on as your permanent state, but just don’t expect to have a lot of people standing around you at the end of the day. Oh, and if they are, you might want to examine the dynamic of that relationship, because I doubt it is brimming with health.
For the sake of being absolutely real here, I can admit to all of you that I’ve often had difficulty with the loss that comes when I am true to who I am. I’ve fought against it. I’ve tried to morph and change myself to suit other people so that I can be what they need to my own detriment. I’ve learned a few important things in that process. One is that it’s really tough to sustain for long periods of time. Who we are starts to float up to the surface at some point and even if it doesn’t “win”, there is an epic battle that ensues in our innards that does NOT feel good, at all.
Two is that more often than not, the person we are changing for doesn’t really appreciate the magnitude of the sacrifice we are making. They are so focused on the notion that we’ve become someone who more suits them in the friendship or relationship that nothing else matters. It also doesn’t mean they will be at all forgiving or understanding when you are having a day when you can’t be the so-called new and improved version of yourself. I’ve actually found that usually it is the people we change for who are the most brutal and relentless when we “slip.”
Three is that when we show the universe that we are willing to shape shift for another person to maintain the relationship, it is made easier for us to do the same across the board. We start to resort to chameleon like behavior until we don’t really know who we are anymore, underneath all the versions of us that we’ve created to better blend.
Last, but not least, is we are still at risk for losing the relationship that we are trying so hard to keep. Changing to please another person or keep things status quo is not a lifetime guarantee type deal. Not even close. When shit is meant to fall apart, it just does. End of story.
And yet, despite all of those negatives, I’ve often found myself in a position where I’ve modified myself to suit another person or a relationship. And yes, I’ve had to dig deep when I’ve come to that realization to ask myself if I’m brave enough to cut it out and just be me. Those steps back to us are often fraught with challenges though, and sometimes those trials feel more than we can bear. They aren’t though. Not at all. Maybe understanding that is the first step, huh?
L.
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