Do you think that we got off track last time? We didn’t, but I can understand if you feel that way. Maybe you didn’t or don’t. Maybe you are used to my style and you have some sense of where I was going when I went a bit off trail last post.
Remember that I started this whole discussion with the idea that it is somehow rebellious to be true to who we are. I spoke about how scary that process can feel and how even when we desperately crave it, there is something so challenging that it stops most of us in our tracks. I owned the fact that I’ve feared rejection so badly that I’ve stayed stuck and made changes so that I fit other folks’ paradigm and betrayed my own.
And then, and then, I talked about blurring the lines in my story to make the past more palatable, to make moving forward an easier prospect. Well, let me tell you something, friends, these two ideas link together perfectly. How? Well, the technique that I used to avoid my full story is a primary example of all the ways in which we forgo our authentic selves.
Am I confusing right now? Perhaps, so I’m going to break it down. Our authentic self isn’t just the best version of who we are, not by a long shot. My authentic self isn’t just someone smart, brave, outspoken, unique, dorky, and compassionate. Nope. My authentic self is also delicate, dramatic, sometimes naïve, and easily wounded. There is so much more too, but that’s just a quick swipe at the surface.
Before we can truly decide to align with the most authentic version of who we are, unabashedly and unpoetically, we need to truly understand what that means and who we are. I know, you might be shaking your head right now, thinking how ridiculous that statement is, but I’m going to challenge you anyway. I’m going to tell you that even the most self-assured person has to take inventory sometimes to get a better understanding of who they are and what they want out of the world around them.
I have friends that tell me so many things about them, both in what they say and how they act. Some of it is true, some of it they want to be true, and some of it could maybe be true at some point, but certainly isn’t now. Also, some of it may never ever be true, no matter how much they wish it to be so. Sometimes we latch on to a notion of who we are because we feel safer. It’s self-handicapping or self-protection at it’s finest.
We tell ourselves and the world that we are ugly or stupid or gullible or incapable or too brash or too loud or too much. We say these things and promote these ideals because then we are the first to say them. We say them because if we fail or lose or we are left, we’ve addressed the issue before the speculation comes. We fear being really honest because well, that kind of honesty is really scary.
If I tell myself that I am sensitive but not too sensitive, then how do I explain the harm I feel as a response to other’s words and actions? If I tell myself that I am attractive, then how do I rationalize rejection? If I tell myself that I am smart, then how do I explain falling for someone or something that just doesn’t make sense? But, if I say all the other things, if I create a story that makes more sense, then things just seem to fall into place. That sounds great, but if we really want to own our lives and our stories, then that just doesn’t work. It doesn’t compute when it comes to living a fulfilling existence.
This reality is challenging for a few reasons. First of all, we have to admit that the world is a fucked-up place sometimes and things don’t make sense. We just have to admit that and accept it on its face. Nonsense. Nonsensical shit. Bizarro world. It just is what it is. That is that. Secondly, we have to see the darkness or unattractiveness in things around us that other people find light and attractive. Like, I know you think he’s great, but actually, I think he’s an asshole. Sorry. And by the way, both of those thoughts and ideas can exist in the some universe together. I know, insane thought, but true. We have to agree to disagree, which seems an overwhelming challenge for most.
We also have to begin to hold ourselves to a higher standard and demand more out of the world around us. That is the part that people seem to struggle with the most, in my humble opinion. It is easier to take shit. It feels better to just accept things as they are so that we can keep with the prescribed mold.
I can keep on with the online dating grind, telling myself that I deserve all the garbage coming my way and accepting the fact that it’s the only way to meet someone today. Period, end of story. Or, I can tell myself that it’s not for me. I’m too sensitive, it’s too shitty, people are too creepy. Yes, cousin, I know that your best friend found her soulmate on there at the age of 45 and got married. Yes, I know it’s a numbers game. Whatever. Who fucking cares? It’s not for me, and I need to take a pause, a time out. I want a break. I want to contemplate the notion of something else. I want to envision a world where I am so damn happy doing my own thing that I figure all of that love shit out, down the road, when it makes more sense to me. I want to attack it when I feel more level headed, more whole, more healed, more ready.
Are you guys picking up what I’m putting down here? I’ve said it before, but the truth is that I’m going to say it like literally one thousand and one times, so if you are tired of it, you should definitely bounce now. It bears repeating. Many times. Over and over again. Over and over and over again, still. We need to accept ourselves for who we are and then also work on all the bits we want to. Not the parts that other people tell us aren’t enough. NOPE. Not the parts that we put down because it feels good. NOPE. The parts of us that we want to grow so we can truly be the best version of ourselves. That’s not lip service. I mean that.
We’ll wrap up this particular story tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 