There is no right or wrong here. Truly. Well, except for one little bit. I would venture to guess that it’s time for all of us to look at our paintboxes.
What does that mean?
Look at your tools. Look at what you are equipped with and what moves you and what encourages you and enrages you. Start to own what inspires you and what disgusts you. Understand in a deep and real way what lights you up from head to toe and what sends you into a spiral.
I think you’ve gotten this message from me many times before but man is it important. I cannot stress enough how much you need to do the work to understand yourself.
It’s so hard. I know it. It’s so hard to look in the mirror and own who we are without judgment and labels and a deep desire to be something different or anything different. It is nearly impossible, but possible it is.
You cannot want things simply because someone else wants them or because someone in your orbit told you to want them. If you do that, shit gets too messy. You’ll feel fine enough but here’s the secret: you’ve subscribed to someone else’s construct and every single time that will disappoint you. It might take time, but it will.
It’s like people that tell you if only they found that partner they’d be whole and happy (or that friend or had that job or owned that home or that item of clothing). When you question this assertion, they point to the time they had something similar. Don’t you see? I was happy then. Oh. Sigh.
No. Because the ending is critically important and very much a part of the rest. The relationship falling apart, the friendship crumbling, the job getting stale, the bag breaking, the car needing parts. Don’t you see how that matters?
It’a more than that even. Right? Do you see how the absence of that thing ruined you? Do you see how that means that there’s a hole there that needs mending and fixing and love and attention? Do you see how we can’t use a person or a thing to make up for what is purportedly broken or lacking in us?
Do you see how you’ve made that thing better in its wake than in actually was when present? The partner was more loving and more fun and more everything. The friend was the bestest friend. So generous and so loyal. The job was fulfilling, the bag roomy and the car a dream to drive (always). Everything was awesome. Spectacular. Life changing. Until it wasn’t. Then it sucked shit. But we block out that part.
We stumble. We stall. We wait for things to feel better. We are convinced they will eventually feel better. They have to, right?
We don’t have to do anything. Things will feel good when they are good and okay when they are okay and the rest of the time, we can feel like shit. The world sucks. Everything is broken. The world is out to get us.
This is so important guys. I mean really fucking important. Please pay attention here. I want you to get this not because I’m right about stuff all the time but because I’ve perfected the art of fucking up my life. I’ve made ruinous piles of my life more times than I can count.
I’ve fucked up with boyfriends, friends, work, family, and even things. I’ve lost, broken, battered, misunderstood, and run backwards at full force. I’ve made things so messy that it’s hard for me to aptly put it into words just how monumentally I’ve destroyed myself.
Whenever I hear people tell me that they can’t change or don’t want to change, I lose it. I do. Not because I’m judging them but because I feel the full weight of how destructive that sentiment is, how catastrophic.
You can tell yourself that you’ll ride this one out. You won’t. And why do you want to? Who are you proving something to? No one tells alcoholics to test their resolve with a nip of booze. They wouldn’t. They would say stay the fuck away. Acknowledging your propensity, your desire, your heart, does not make you weak. It makes you strong. Fiercely strong.
Here’s something else you should know: the more people talk about wanting to change or their misery over what is, the less change happens. Change is not noisy work. It is not in your face work. It is quiet business. The quietest there is, because real change starts really deep inside of you where no one is permitted to tread. You might think some people live there, but they don’t. Not really.
The universe is a swirling tundra around us and yet we never give it the credence or props it deserves. Do you know what I mean by that? Like we are always saying that we can’t believe something happened. I can’t believe I met him/her, got that job, got into that car accident, broke my leg, found that apartment, etc. Maybe we need to change that approach and the linked verbiage?
Is that an insane concept or the most rational one there is? What if we gave into the notion that crazy shit is going to happen all the time and it’s not even that crazy. There’s an order to it all. A plan. Relax, I’m not getting all religious on you or talking about some manifesting bullshit. I’m talking about accepting things as they are, because they are what they are, right?
Let’s just meditate on that tonight, okay? Okay.
x
L.
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