I think most of us have difficulty accepting love. Even those of us who claim to accept love freely and openly struggle with the concept at some point or another. I don’t know if this is due to the human condition and its innate sort of fragility, or because most of us encounter conditional love at some point in our lives and it scars us.
Maybe you are thinking that you’ve never encountered conditional love. Good for you. I don’t think I believe you but I respect your assertion. Even the most rock solid, stable relationships we have are no match for the power of expectation. Do you know what I mean by that?
I was out for a walk with a friend the other day and she and I were talking about the pressure that it put on kids today to perform. They are expected to do well in school, excel socially, and land themselves in a good spot in a future, forward-thinking kind of way. My friend shared that she put a lot of the blame on parents. She said that not only are they pushing and putting pressure on their offspring, but many of them seem to be in a competition with one another as to whom has the BEST child. We are both childless but she has been a dance instructor for many years and was approaching the conversation from that perspective. She expressed dismay that children don’t even seem to really enjoy activities anymore. She recalled growing up and feeling such joy going to dance class. She shared that she now feels like it’s just another resume item for these kids or a bragging bullet point for the parents.
Of course, our conversation drifted over to the new documentary on Netflix about the college admissions scandal. How could it not, right? I said that I found it tremendously disappointing that these parents felt like their kids weren’t enough without the “credibility” offered by these upper echelon schools. As if a non-Ivy school or [the horror] not going to college altogether would render them useless and unimpressive. What a sad statement about the world. I said that above all else, I felt for these kids. Sure, one could peer in from the outside and think ‘oh man, how loved is THAT kid, that their parent is willing to lie, cheat, and steal for them.’ Not me. All I can think when I hear that is man, some kid feels like they aren’t enough. Until. When. If. You feel me? Expectations. Conditions. Love built on the thought or hope of rather than the reality, the real.
So yes, many of us have had snippets of a relationship or interaction like that. It comes in so many different forms, you see. Some of us have guardians or parents who set certain expectations, thereby giving us a sense of conditional love. Sometimes its our sibling or friends or other relatives. There is no question that while it isn’t love, we often have conditional relationships at work.
Where am I going with this? Well, if we exist in a stratosphere where love is a conditional thing or something that we are endlessly striving for, how is it that we are supposed to accept the permanence of the thing? How can we stride out of the gate with any sort of certainty when we feel like the rug could be pulled out from under us at any moment? It isn’t easy, at all. That’s the truth. Is it impossible then?
No. It’s not. You know how we can accomplish this in its most basic form? We can have faith. Yikes. I know, scary. Terrifying really. I understand your hesitation in buying into this concept but it’s really the only way to do this thing. You have to be able to give yourself over to the idea that even when love or kindness or respect is conditional, it isn’t.
I’m not sure I need this qualifier or distinction, but I am not suggesting that you extend this courtesy or benefit of the doubt to everyone. No way. That’s not even in the same universe of what I’m suggesting. You still need to be discriminating. If I’m being really real, I will tell you that I’m made mistakes when it comes to who I give the benefit of the doubt to. I’ve felt confident in the surety of a relationship and then found myself shook. Dismayed. Betrayed. Have I given up then? Nope. I haven’t. I’ve felt like it from time to time, but I still didn’t go in that direction. I simply pivoted. I regrouped. I learned lessons. I refined my taste and sharpened my perception. I have become more discerning. I am not impossible to get close to, but I’m certainly not as easy as I might have been at one time. Just as I expect to earn someone else’s trust, I hold people I meet to the same standard. Show me you deserve the power of my conviction and I, in turn, will show up for you.
That’s really the first lesson. Be discriminating. Be careful. Be mindful. The second lesson is the first bit I touched on, which is once you’ve warmed up, take a leap. Just because someone is having a day or is ‘off’ with you, doesn’t mean that their love has wavered. At all.
I had a good friend explain to me once that he was going to have days where he was colder and less chatty and it didn’t have anything to do with me. He explained that I had the unilateral right to back the fuck up so as to not get caught in his swirling tornado of a mood, but he would greatly appreciate if the exit strategy was not a permanent one. He explained that this was not something he wanted to ‘get away with’ but a function of who he is as a person. He was asking me to give him some grace. Translation: I will never abuse you or the power of our friendship but sometimes I will be shitty. Not to you, just in my interaction with the universe. You will be a witness to this behavior. It should not be taken personally and it is NOT a reflection on how I feel about you. It’s just a thing. It’s just my thing. If I ever act like a shit to you, you have my permission to bail, but if it’s just me being me, take space. Take space for you. Take space for me. But then come back, and trust that my love and our friendship is exactly the same as when you left.
Can you do that?
Give it a whirl.
xx
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 