We wrapped up yesterday with me asking if you could trust in the love of another person, even in the face of questions. I’ve learned that I can. I falter sometimes, that’s my truth. I do. I hesitate. I question. But then, I breathe. I recognize that it’s not always about me (self-absorption is definitely part of my DNA, our collective genetic makeup). I accept that love can be unconditional and also complicated. I trust that there is a very clean line between dense and destructive.
I’m going to share a tough truth with you. I would love to tell you that I can prescribe for you the exact thoughts and feelings to get yourself to a place where you quickly understand the dynamic and impact of each relationship that you have today. I can’t. I won’t ever be able to do that. You are your own human. You have your own thoughts and feelings, as do the people with whom you share your life. I can tell you shared traits. I can expand upon my own experiences. Those bits might be helpful to you, but they will not fix anything for you. I cannot write your story. You are going to have to go at it on your own. You are going to have to feel things out and decide for yourself the authenticity of any given situation and also, your threshold.
The truth is, what might be acceptable to you, could be intolerable for me. What might feel great for me, could feel offensive to you. So yeah, I can’t really tell you how to feel. I can only tell you that you should work it through in your own way. I can also encourage you to be honest with yourself. If you are dishonest about where your boundaries are and what feels ‘okay’, you will be punishing yourself and likely setting up some folks in your life in a way that won’t feel good for you in the end.
Okay, so what next? You’ve set yourself up to understand what is likely real and who might be sticking around. What then? Can you always just float through life, high on the sureness of your relationships? Gawd no. Please. I’m not trying to say that to you at all. Not even a little. It is a tough road. That is just the first step. The next step is trying to push to the periphery those folks where we aren’t as sure of their love, affection, and loyalty. Again, this is a very personal process, but as a general rule, if you are often wondering where the fuck someone went (they went dark on you) or asking them (or yourself) if they are upset with you, you might want to acknowledge that the relationship may not be the healthiest in the world. You don’t have to shove that person completely out of your life, but you might want to gently nudge them closer to the edge. You might want to be a bit more mindful of the importance they hold or how much space you make for them at the end of the day.
Sometimes when we expend a lot of energy on people who we aren’t so sure of, it makes us question everything and everyone. We lose the ability to keep perspective because we’ve moved our bottom line. What if we plant that baseline though? What if we dig the stakes in deep and really commit to that place? Well, that’s a much better jumping off point.
You may feel somewhat unloved right now. I’ve been there. I’m lucky in that I have some very special people in my life, but there are still times when I’ve felt despairing. Those are the times I look to the occasions when I was most sure of something. Please don’t tell me that you are harkening back to a temporary relationship and getting moony eyes. Nope. I mean, close your eyes and take yourself back to a moment when you felt the purest form of love. I have those moments. I am very lucky in that I have quite a few, but they are mine to savor and cherish and they are nearly the only thing that I’m not going to share with you here. Not because I’m embarrassed or because I think sharing will somehow taint or twist them. I am not sharing them because they are sacred moments for me and I believe that some things should remain just that.
You may have a lot of difficulty in your life. Please know that I am not diminishing your struggle or trying to suggest that you are surrounded by sunshine. I am begging you to consider a moment when someone, close to you or otherwise, gave you the impression of true and real affection. Your mom? A mentor? A sister? A brother? An old boyfriend? It doesn’t need to be an interaction or relationship that stood the test of time. Even the purest and richest love falls apart sometimes. The beautiful part is that if you are able to heal well and move beyond the thing, you will still be able to look back at the thing that you felt certain of, without questions or pauses. Then you use that moment to stretch the confines of your scary and challenging environment.
Think of it like a protective bubble. An invisible force field of sorts. Every time you think on the thing that emboldened and supported you, you reinforce the bubble. You charge it up so you are able to keep on. You will be comforted in the notion that even though there is shitty stuff that may surround you, you can extrapolate the good that lives there. I don’t mean being full of shit or making everything fake and sunshine filled. Not at all. I just mean that you will create enough of a barrier such that you can take things seriously but not personally, shorten the time you need to recover and rebound when you have been hurt by someone, and find your way back to even when things are wonky.
That’s really what ALL of this boils down to, you know? You are going through this exercise so no matter what happens, you can find yourself in the middle of it all. Not only can you find yourself, but you can claim yourself worthy. What’s better than that?
Good weekend. xo
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 