I was talking to a friend the other day and told him that I feel disconnected from everything. Strangely disconnected. Strangely? Yes. To clarify, it’s a different kind of disconnection that I’ve felt recently based on this shit show world we’ve landed in. The disconnection that I’ve experienced as a result of the pandemic was a direct result of forced physical separation and a world made very, very small. Also, fear. A lot of fear. The disconnection that I am feeling right now feels like a result of exhaustion. I am really fucking tired and thus, my tolerance for bullshit is non-existent. I just don’t have space for it, at all.
After that conversation, I stumbled upon a quote and it felt relevant and also incredibly meaningful. Russell Brand, known more for his silly humor, wrote the following: “The instinct that drives compulsion is universal. It is an attempt to solve the problem of disconnection, alienation, tepid despair… the problem is ultimately ‘being human’ in an environment that is curiously ill-equipped to deal with the challenges that entails.”
You know why that grabbed me? Because I realized that my sense of disconnection has been driving many of the decisions I’ve made as of late. As Mr. Brand clearly articulated, many of us acknowledge that we are struggling and then we do the work to make ourselves feel better. The small problem is that we aren’t actually doing good work. We seek actions and activities and behavior that we think might start to fill that gaping hole, but nothing that is helpful or healthy. Examples? Well, some of the more intense behaviors are overexercising, food deprivation, overeating, and drug and alcohol abuse. There are less obvious but equally impactful behaviors like acting overly solicitous or way too forgiving.
What we often fail to do is examine why we feel disconnected and get to the heart of the matter. We just want to do all the things to make it go away. This should sound familiar to you because this is a common theme in life. Right? We often want to skip over the work part and get to the feeling better part. I get it. I really do. I feel that way too, often. We know why. The work part is brutal. And more often than not, things get harder before they get easier or better. That’s just how it works.
We love to think that we are the person that is like ‘work, sure I got this’ but most of us aren’t like that at all. I am confident enough in my professional existence to tell you that my work ethic is second to none. I mean, really, I bust my ass at work. I never take my foot off the gas and I never, ever mail it in. I pride myself in my work product and under the worst of circumstances, my dedication never waivers. Never. I don’t even think about it. It’s second nature. Emotional work? Completely different situation. Different thought process and analysis. There is hesitation. There is a pause.
Why? Well, even when work is frustrating and I don’t get the external recognition that I crave or desire, I still get the reward of a job well done. Does that make sense? At the end of the day, I get to look upon my work product and I feel satisfied that I’ve done something well and it’s contributed to the bottom line. It doesn’t even matter to me (thank goodness) if anyone gives me a pat on the back. I just get to see something to fruition and that makes my heart happy. Well, for the most part, but that’s a story for another time.
The personal stuff is a completely different story. Who knows what the end is going to look like? Who knows if things are going to work out? I mean, they will, but what does ‘working out’ really mean? Sometimes when I contemplate the possibilities in situations like that which I’m describing, I feel terrified. We’ve discussed this before so you know the gig, but let’s clarify for any newbies. You feel disconnected in a relationship but you are afraid to admit that perhaps you’ve grown apart or there are irreconcilable differences that exist. It’s easier to live in the presumed safe space of disconnection than to work out the shit that’s really broken. Same thing goes for work or anything along those lines. We know our misery so even though it is actually, well, miserable, it feels comfortable. We aren’t apt to step outside of that comfort to reach into the unknown, even if that strangeness could eventually lead to a lot of happiness and peace.
This makes sense really because so much of what we are driven to do and say in our daily lives and relationships is entirely driven by our desire for equilibrium. We aim for even keel, even if that means sacrificing our ultimate joy. You must actually know this and I imagine you’ve witnessed this time and again. I have done this myself and I have certainly borne witness to this very situation occur with my friends and family members. Unhappy marriages, troubled relationships, unwelcome homes, and really shitty jobs.
We all cope in a variety of ways but many of us disconnect (you knew we were coming back here, didn’t you?) as a measure of self-preservation. Maybe if I’m a little emotionally further away from the thing, it won’t feel so bad. I can breathe in the space in between the reality of all the shit that stresses me out. We convince ourselves that this is the way that it works. We have to compromise a little but that’s okay. That’s what life is all about, isn’t it? Yes, but also, no.
Here’s the bit that’s important: you might still end up compromising but you won’t know what’s what unless you take a step back and look a little closer at what the fuck is going on. You have to dig in to dig out. Get it?
Talk tomorrow.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 