Most of us don’t care to dig in because honestly, it doesn’t feel great. It just doesn’t. It is rare that I’ve engaged in self exploration and found myself at the end like, oh wow, that was amazing. I mean sure, I’m glad that I’ve done it but that satisfaction piece comes later when I see everything come together. Initially, I always feel raw and vulnerable. So no, I don’t drive towards that feeling, that sensation. Rather, I push myself to find alternative ways to self-soothe, just as I spoke about yesterday.
The reality is that I can’t make the self-reflection part any easier or more appealing. I just can’t. There’s nothing I’m going to do that is going to shift that process into something more palatable. I can tell you that the other direction we go in, which is often some form of self-destruction, has far more dire consequences. Sadly, words don’t hold much meaning when it comes to issues of this nature.
What do I mean by that? Well, I can talk until I’m blue in the face about all of this but all you have to do is tell yourself that you are an exception. Right? Don’t pretend like you don’t do this because we all do.
I am going to shift gears for a moment and it’s going to feel insane but I find it completely relevant for the time we are living in and also, there is a very strong connection to the topic at hand. I was speaking with a group of individuals about the concept of self-acceptance and tolerance the other evening. I had something that I wanted to share (it was right on the tip of my tongue), but I never had an opportunity to do so. You know what that means, don’t you? You are obviously going to hear about it.
We were discussing this notion of knowing ourselves fully and accepting ourselves and what that really means. I shared with the group my thought that when we are in a better place with ourselves, we often find ourselves more tolerant of those around us. We give other more room to be when we have already extended the courtesy to US. Does that make sense? I really do believe this because I’ve witnessed it occur time and again. The thought I wasn’t able to share was the disclaimer situation. Huh? Let me explain. The disclaimer situation is where we don’t necessarily know ourselves because we haven’t taken the time to do the exploration BUT we don’t want people to form a certain opinion of us, so we throw disclaimers into the wind, hoping to shape their perception of us.
On one hand, the basis of this behavior is not altogether offensive, right? We are just putting our best foot forward. We are setting the tone for who we want to be. That’s good, isn’t it? Well, yes and no. This becomes problematic when the exercise is purely for optics and some kind of external approval. Do you know what I’m talking about? When the shit you are spewing is merely skin deep and that’s where it stops. In fact, that can become a much more dangerous game because it is possible for us to disconnect (there’s that word again) from who we really are and use disclaimers to take on the persona of someone altogether different. Which I suppose could be fine except that we are essentially creating yet another layer in between our true selves and some bullshit paradigm we have created.
Let’s talk real deal so that this begins to make sense. I would like to start with a very important admission. Are you ready? I do this. I have done this, I continue to do this, and I will likely do this in the future. I’m hoping to phase it out of my repertoire, but I am coming to you from a place of, fuck yes, that’s me. What does it look like? When you start a sentence with something of this nature: “I swear I’m a nice person but…” or “you don’t really know me but I promise this is not me….” or “usually this kind of thing doesn’t bother me but…” Let’s start with the easiest bit, which is to say that everything before the ‘but’ in a sentence is usually total horseshit. Let’s move on to the fact that the statements I’ve just shared and many, many others, allow us to separate. Well, in actuality, we’ve probably already disconnected and this is another mechanism we are using to keep forgetting that we’ve drifted very far away from any sort of authenticity.
There are tougher disclaimers that are used and I believe they are the root to many troubles in our society. Like what? How about disclaiming being a racist? Or a sexist? Or an agist? Typically, you love working with women, but this one female is driving you up the wall and obviously that is why you are speaking the way you are about women in the workplace. You aren’t even remotely racist and thus the hateful things you are saying aren’t that at all, but rather a reflection of what is going on in the world.
Is this coming together for you at all? It’s so tough to admit that there are pieces of us that are broken or simply require growth. I mean, wow. It is so fucking hard. It is the most challenging thing that we do, which is why we often fail so abysmally. This is why we disconnect. This is why that we don’t seek the why but move onto the justification process. This is why we explain to everyone how good we are, how pure we are, how well intended we are, how loving we are, how accepting we are, all the damn time. We disclaimer ourselves right into la-la land. We create a world where we are a different person and we never have to take a look at the parts of us that need connection to fix and heal and thrive.
I have not perfected the art of, well, anything, but I know the first step is admitting you have a problem. But, do you? Do YOU need to be reconnected?
Start there.
L.
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