Do you ever find yourself saying something like: do whatever you want, it’s not my life? Have you ever then contemplated how passive aggressive and bullshitty shit that sentiment is? I think you know by now that I’m pretty good with looping back to my theme for the week, so have no fear, but I think it’s important that we dwell in this space for a moment.
I was talking to someone this morning about the areas of my life where I crave growth and change. I gave myself credit for progress and she agreed with me generally, but pointed out that I still push myself in where I don’t belong. Under the guise of not getting involved, I still manage to get myself involved. By advising that I am not directing, I am still throwing out a barb that says to someone wellll, I wouldn’t make that decision but you do you. Honestly, it doesn’t feel that different than someone telling you that they could never pull off something you are wearing. You know that feeling, right? Maybe not. I’ve gotten it time and again. They usually throw in a ‘but it totally works for you’ at the end, but the damage is already dunzo.
On one hand, there is something to be said for figuring out your own shit before you meddle in someone’s business, but then, there is also the thought that sometimes it is easier to see in others what we cannot see in ourselves. So, just because you are still struggling with a notion or a relationship or a part of your life, doesn’t automatically disqualify you from being a good listener and even a decent advice giver. Not at all. There is also the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ paradigm. But despite the word vomit I just enlightened you with, that’s not what I’m here to chat about.
So, what am I here to talk about? Well, I think when we feel disconnected sometimes, we (i) resent other folks connectivity (whether healthy or not) and also, (ii) seek ways to connect, even if those methods are unorthodox, counterproductive, or decidedly unwelcome. I may have lost you by getting too floaty, so I’m going to ground us a bit. Ready?
Let’s start with the first part of that little ‘and’ statement above, the resentment. I think that this manifests in a variety of ways, but I’m just going to touch on two that immediately come to mind. We may feel disconnected from someone specific. Maybe we once had a closer relationship with them and now we don’t. Maybe we see that they’ve connected elsewhere. We feel jealous and sad and it manifests in the way of resentment. We work, consciously or subconsciously, to draw that person back to us. We find ways to connect. If they are sharing something with us, we want to expand, make bigger, and draw out the conversation. Telling someone that you aren’t going to voice your opinion can easily act as bait such that they solicit your opinion. It’s done, all the damn time.
Sometimes we are actually feeling something about whatever connection they’ve fostered but we fear voicing the opinion, thinking that it might create further or grander separation. So, we drop a nugget. We invite them to comment or inquire, if they so desire. If not, some harm done, but minimal.
As for the second part of that paragraph above…the seeking connection. We all know what that feels like on some level. We don’t want someone to just information dump. We want to share. They don’t seem to want to share, so we subversively push the issue. I am going to hint at something so you will pursue me and then I will have won your attention. Ta-da, go me.
What does all of this really mean? Well, I think that when we are in a place of flux where we feel disconnected, not only do we engage in unhealthy behaviors, but we occupy spaces WITHIN those behaviors that are even more toxic. We layer our dysfunction. We make a messy shit cake and sit in front of it, hoping it’s going to morph into buttercream and flowers. Yikes. I know that sounds intense, but it’s really true.
What I’m saying might make you uncomfortable. It could be giving you the heebie jeebies because you’ve been there, or you might be grossed out because you don’t think you have and what I’m describing repulses you. To that, I will respond as follows:
- You are human and you best be forgiving yourself if you want to get to the bottom of all of this and change your behavior, and
- Stop. I would bet money that you’ve done something that falls within this realm, but you are probably failing to identify it for any one of a million reasons.
Even those of us that are more independent, and more prone to solitariness, seek human connection on some level. When we are disconnected for any damn reason, something within us will seek to right the perceived wrong. Something will feel broken and we will break ourselves further, deeper, and more permanently trying to “fix” it.
We are well intended. We really are. Sure, I think we share the planet with some shitty people, but generally speaking that is not the case. I mean, there are a LOT of yucky people, but what I’m saying is that there are also a lot of people that are very good humans but are just struggling with their own humanity. There is no guidebook that you are given at birth. No one touches down and tells you every single thing that you need to know to figure all of this out. No one tells you how to reconnect when you have disconnected. So, you stumble around in the dark. You say silly things, you reach out to the wrong people, you reach out to the right people in the wrong way, and you do it over and over again.
You know when your electronic _________ isn’t working and they joke that the first thing you should try is unplugging and then plugging it back in again? Turning it off and then on? Well, that’s where I would start. There is where I’m starting. All of what I’ve shared today is best attacked by just shutting down and unplugging. We’ll wrap up with that thought tomorrow.
Happy almost damn Friday my friends.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 