I feel like now would be a good time to tell you that I have more gentlemen on my list. I do. Not just romantic relationships either. I’ve had impactful relationships with men at every juncture, and women for that matter. That’s the thing about relationships that we often refuse to really accept or absorb or admit: how much they shape us.
Again, this is something that we have all the memes in the world for, but when it comes to substance, we are decidedly lacking. I want to be clear that I am not referring to some self-hatred campaign that is launched after a relationship falls apart, or the constant need for affirmation from an existing relationship. I’m talking about the way in which relationships are our DNA.
Each interaction we have is another cell, another piece of bone, another drop of blood, another coiled double helix. We are founded and built and grown through every single interface. Every. Single. One.
I mean it. Even those relationships that we consider to be less important end up playing a role, a part. It’s the way that it works. Even those who have removed themselves from all external relationships are plagued by the void or in time, the relationship they have with themselves or the world around them.
I think the reason we want to disassociate from this idea is because we believe that notion jeopardizes the idea of strength or independence. Somehow if we admit that we are a product of relationships to things and people and situations, we are less than. We are only part of a person with the other part made up of all the other things we’ve now given credit to. What we never step back and reconcile is the notion that we can be both. We can be a person standing on our own two feet and then also shaped and twisted by all the things.
Why do I believe that we mostly disclaim this notion? Well, because I’ve spent many minutes of my life telling people that “I don’t care” and then explaining why this is a truth. What does I don’t care really mean? I’m unphased. I’m untouched. I’m unbothered. The things that are happening, that have happened, and that will happen, are not even remotely in my line of sight. I am free as a bird and my emotions are mine and mine alone. Yes, sure. That’s true, but that doesn’t have to be a mutually exclusive fact from the reaction part of life.
He left me but I don’t care. She seems over me but I don’t care. We used to be tighter but I don’t care. They won’t ever promote me but I don’t care. They are recognizing me out of pity but I don’t care. I know she saw my text but isn’t responding but I don’t care. We just broke up and he’s already seeing someone else but I don’t care. All of it. I don’t care about anything. I’m all good. None of this will resonate with me. None of this will be meaningful in the long run.
What is it that we revere today? The ability to be tough and chill. Right? That’s everywhere. Instagram, Facebook, Tik Tok. All I see on every platform is messaging that screams don’t give a fuck. Shape yourself using your own ideals and thoughts and feelings. Operate as a sole contributor and never look back.
I was chatting with my mom today about fears and she used the phrase ‘our thinking creates our reality.’ I told her that on some level I understand that concept but it’s not exactly the way I see things. I explained that our fears are created by reality and thus, we tend to manifest the worst-case scenario and then attribute it to some powerful thinking paradigm.
This is how I explained it: I am in a relationship and my worst fear is that I will be left. I stress over that fact and I operate from that place of fear and then eventually, he leaves me. Using that previously expressed sentiment, I’ve created that reality through my fear and thinking. However, I’ve learned (the hard way) that my fear comes from a place of truth. Most fear comes from some element of truth. It’s just that we often exaggerate or distort that truth in a variety of ways. Anyway, the reason I’m afraid that he’s going to leave me is because our relationship is inherently flawed. We don’t have a foundation of trust and love and mutual respect. We are founded on an idea. One idea, that when challenged or pushed, folds the entire house of cards. I allow my fear to push me to test the certainty of us and what do I discover? The weakness. The broken parts.
What does that have to do with anything? Well, let’s break that down. What if I tell you that I don’t care about anything but I actually do? I am operating from a place of fear. I am afraid to admit that I care. I am afraid to accept that I am impacted. So, I act in a way that seeks to prove to me that I don’t care. And so, I feel all the things ten times harder than I actually need to. I’m trying so hard to be tough that I am actually stripping away at all the protections that allow me safe space to heal or process or navigate through difficult times.
When we allow ourselves the grace to care without judgment attached, we give ourselves room to decide what that looks like for us. Do you know what I mean by that? That’s when we tell people to stop talking about our ex because it’s still painful for us (without the self-judgment of ‘too much time has passed to feel something’) or maybe that’s when we tell people we can’t go to a party yet because we are still mourning a loss (without the self-critical reminder that other people would just suck it up and go).
Now that I’ve started to acknowledge how unbelievably impactful my relationships have been, and continue to be, I can figure out how I want to move from here. I could tell myself I was young and foolish and it was a long time ago. Bobby and Derrick and Zach were just a blip on the radar. But they weren’t, right? Not at all. I want to explain more. I want you to get it. Why? Well, because this part is incredibly important. You can’t just move on from that shit. If someone tells you that, it’s a lie. You have to wade in and dig through muck first. It’s messy and sometimes it’s embarrassing and yes, you might lose a piece of yourself along the way, but usually, you’ll find a piece in the process. A good one. A necessary one.
Back to the boys tomorrow. Just thought this was an important rest stop.
x
L.
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