I think we know each other well enough by this point that you fully understand that I am not a pitchfork wielding man-hater. Not even close. Part of the pain that I’ve felt and continue to feel is that I am an equal opportunist when it comes to humans. I adore and I’ve been massacred by men and women alike. In the same way, my relationships with men and women have both shaped me. The thing is, they shaped me differently but maybe not in the way you might think.
Sure, there are the obvious differences in romantic and platonic relationships (i.e. the physicality of it), but the impact is differently felt because of the type of connection, not the sex of the human. I’ve lost friendships over time and those losses have often felt more profound and more devastating than some of the most intense unraveling of a significant other connection.
My focus on male relationships over the last week (slash two years) has less to do with attributing all issues or problems in my life to my romantic relationships and more to do with my desire to convey the impact on my overall feelings on relationships and my sense of self.
I don’t want to spend too much time right now focusing on my female or platonic male relationships but I will get there. I’ve been there before and will definitely go there again.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on.
I talk often about memes and social media posts and I hope I’m not giving you the wrong impression. A solid half hour of my day nearly every single day is spent swapping images and videos with my mom and friends. I eat ‘em right up. However, there is a time and a place and one must keep perspective on which of them are meaningful and should be taken to heart and those that should be taken a little less seriously.
Every single human is different and we have fairly unique feelings and experiences. Sure, we also have similar experiences, but there are little tweaks that make situations ours and ours alone. I don’t want you floating in vague no man’s land here so I’m going to give you some specific shit. Whenever I see posts that speak to this idea that past relationships shape us but don’t define us, I’m like um nope. I feel very absolutely defined by my relationships.
You might be asking what it means to be defined by something. Well as we define ourselves as humans, we start to figure out who we are, what we stand for, what our identity is, what rules we abide by, and so on. Our ‘defining’ processes start to chisel out our morals, our preferences, our beliefs, and more. This sounds very much like what has occurred to me during and after a relationship, so I suppose the logical question from my seat is whether we need to have a singular force at work to attribute our shaping? Isn’t it sufficient that someone plays a role? Isn’t it enough that they were a small piece of what happened?
I think part of the reason we resist this notion is because it has such a negative connotation attached to it. Somewhere along the way, we started looking down our nose at the notion that someone could define us. It represents a lack of independence. How can we stand on our own two feet and then, also be defined by some external force?
I don’t think you are going to like this answer. Ready for it? That’s just the way everything works. We have our nature (DNA) and then our nurture, and what they mean by nurture is everything the fuck else. Literally.
I don’t feel less than telling you that I have been defined, or rather refined, by my relationships with men. To the contrary, I wear it with a badge of honor. They didn’t unearth me from a stony slab with a chisel and a hammer. I found myself and created boundaries and made decisions based on my experiences with them.
If you’ve been with me a while, you might be thinking of something I told you a ways back (or maybe not-this year has been pretty rough and stuffed with rando information). I told you that you didn’t have to be defined by your story. Maybe you are trying to reconcile those two notions and coming up short. Maybe you are thinking I’m being hypocritical. I’m not. What I said, once upon a time, and what I meant was that you don’t HAVE to be defined by your story, by your experiences. That’s actually the same thing I’m saying here in different words. It’s a choice you make.
I always think of liquid and vessels. Hmm face emoji, right? I can take the same amount of liquid and shape it based on the vessel I am putting it into. Same properties on the inside but looks different based on where it’s poured. Same deal here. We can take events and experiences and interactions and based on the person on the other end of all of that, the outcome is going to vary. Something that wrecks me might be manageable for someone else. Something that’s horrific for someone else is easy peasy for me. There is no right or wrong, because it’s just our humanness.
I have been defined by my relationships. I continue to be defined by my relationships. Right now, I am being defined by my lack of relationship, by my fear of relationships, by my apprehension related to relationships. I am still a person changed from my last relationship and the relationship before that and then all the ones before that. I don’t feel ashamed of that fact, nor do I shy away from it. I own it. It’s my life. It’s how I’ve imprinted on this planet. I don’t feel like I’m done. Not even close. Even if I don’t feel like I’m going to have another romantic relationship ever again, that doesn’t mean that I’ve hit the end of the road with defining myself. I’m a work in progress.
Yes, I’ve been cracked wide open from time to time, but I’ve dug deep and found the putty I need to repair. Temporarily, permanently. Bit by bit. That’s just how I do. We will continue down the path of my relationships. I have so many stories to share, but I thought you should know this first. I have been defined by my relationships. Importantly so.
You?
Have a beautiful weekend, filled with defining moments.
Xo
L.
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