But I’m a creep.

I would absolutely love to tell you that I drew a line in the sand and told Vinny under no uncertain terms I was done with our shenanigans. I didn’t. That never happened. Instead, I was just sort of left. Not even in a dramatic way. More in a fade into the darkness kind of way. We definitely had some awkward conversations that might qualify as emotional but more on my end, if I’m being real.

In fact, if we are going to go brutal honesty here, I am like 98% sure that at some point he acted confused and I was forlorn. That sounds right-ish. I am not defending his honor or playing a victim when I tell you that he did nothing wrong. He honestly didn’t. He made his intentions clear and I lied about what I needed and the rest is history. That’s the thing about lying to others and yourself about your feelings. It catches up. Always and forever. There is honestly never a time when you will bullshit and suddenly reconcile those feelings midway through an interaction.

I clearly remember a conversation he and I had years later that might exactly set the tone for you if you are feeling a bit foggy here.

Hey. I hope all is well by you. I recently heard a cover of Creep and it totally made me think of you. We had some good times, right?

I mean yeah, sure, but also, like there’s no need to dig back in the past, right? Like those days are over.

Okay, you might read that and cringe a little at my pathetic attempt at connection. You might shiver a little over his coldness. But that’s the paradigm we established with each other. I entertained a notion in my head of who I wanted us to be and he was pretty clear he wanted no part of it. The craziest part is that I don’t think I really wanted a relationship with him. I just wanted to be chosen.

I am not sharing any of this to bring on judgment or wrath. I am stripping my soul bare so that you understand. I am laying all my cards on the table so if you’ve been there or if you are there right now, you don’t feel alone. I have zero intention of giving you some meaningless fluffy pep talk. That’s not what I’m here for at all.  I’m not going to cheerlead you into turning your life around. I’m not even going to make a presumption that you need to turn your life around. I’m just going to tell you that the broken parts of me threw me head first into situations that shattered me further. I’m going to tell you that I had to splinter into microscopic pieces and then hunt for them and then meticulously and painstakingly put myself back together. I had to distrust myself and trust too many others. I had to lose myself and others. I had to regret nothing and everything. I had to move too fast and too slow and do too much and then not enough.

You ever lay down in bed and you just cannot get fucking comfortable? It’s the same body and the same skin and the same brain but something suddenly feels altogether ill-fitting and you can’t fix it and all you want to do is feel normal and go the fuck to sleep. That was the base from whence I journeyed for nearly twenty five years. I could not figure out what the fuck was not working and so I twisted and turned and spun and stared at unresponsive ceiling.

I told you that my interaction with Vinny was a springboard. It was. Outside of the fact that I had already determined that my needs were irrelevant and I was terrified to lose anyone, regardless of our relationship, I created a deficit. I opened a wound that didn’t heal. Every relationship I had thereafter was a band-aid. A too-small, too inadequate, irritating bandage. Our interaction had planted a seed of unworthiness and thus, I sought to feel worthy. How could I do that? I would search out affection. I would seek out reinforcement. I would look for affirmation.

I am not going to weave you some tale where in the end, I found all of that within me. I mean yes, that sort of happened, but it took a really long time. There was NO way I was going to go from THAT to self-love and acceptance. I had to get down to the ugly bones first. I had to get to the place where I didn’t want to change, I HAD to change. I had no option. I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated feeling so needy and so down and so self-loathing. I hated feeling like I was on an endless quest to find someone who would accept me for me.

When I met Mike, I was looking for someone who would put me on a pedestal. Of course, because I was so messed up at the time, I didn’t clearly see that he would but in exchange, I would receive wholly conditional love. So long as I did what he wanted me to do, we were golden. If I mis-stepped, forget it. I was amazing, until I wasn’t. I was incredibly smart, but just not as bright as he was. I would do something amazing with my life, but he would always outshine me in his accomplishments. I would float on a sea of compliments and adoration, provided I didn’t do or say anything that annoyed him. I don’t even think he was sensitive so much as he was impossible.

I know this is going to shock the hell out of you, but he cheated on me. He went away to college and he cheated on me. And then I got mad and sad and annoyed and tried to move on with my life. And for that, I was punished. How could I not just forgive his indiscretion? What the fuck was wrong with me? How could I possible try and move on to someone else or to something else? And try and hold your surprise, but I felt bad. I did. When he expressed how disappointed he was, I felt terrible. And guilty.

The space between Vinny and Mike wasn’t filled with revelation and growth. It was characterized by a burrowing in and second-guessing. I needed to be absolved, redeemed, and loved. I want to say that it was gross but it wasn’t, it isn’t. It’s incredibly human.

Creep- Radiohead

When you were here before

Couldn’t look you in the eye

You’re just like an angel

Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather

In a beautiful world

I wish I was special

You’re so fuckin’ special

But I’m a creep

I’m a weirdo

What the hell am I doin’ here?

I don’t belong here

I don’t care if it hurts

I wanna have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice

When I’m not around

You’re so fuckin’ special

I wish I was special

I am. So are you. Just took a long fucking time to get there and I’m still working on it.

Hang in. Talk to you tomorrow (Friyay).

x

L.