OMGAWSH. Hi. I missed this. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for so long (ish). I had something that I really wanted to do and I recognized that my attention span and available free time needed to be set aside for that purpose. I did it though. I did what I set out to do. Actually, I know this might feel cringe worthy, but that’s sort of what I want to discuss today.
When I told friends that I had established a goal for myself, the response that I received the most was incredulity. Don’t get me wrong, no one questioned my ability, so to speak. It was more folks telling me that a feat such as the one I set out to accomplish was impossible. A good number of folks were curious as to how I found the time and where I found the motivation and how I stayed committed in the face of reality (aka the knowledge that my efforts might very well be wasted).
I found these questions normal but also puzzling and decidedly disappointing. My first thought is that I’m not that special. I don’t have abilities that put others to shame. I do have a sort of relentlessness ingrained in my personality and burned into the very depths of my soul.
This quality has caused me harm from time to time, as I don’t give up, even when I should or when I need to. Generally speaking, I hang in there. I hope. I push through.
However, what I’ve learned is that selective application is a beautiful thing. I can bust my ass when it is meaningful and call it a day when it isn’t. The learning part of this is where I figured out what’s what in the way of those particular categories. What deserves effort and what (or who) deserves a heave ho.
Anyway, I could see how someone would listen to me and be like ‘oh, I get it, you were born/built that way, so, it doesn’t really count.’ Well, on some level I can’t debate that fact. There is definitely some part of my DNA that predisposes me to a life of following-through. There is also the choice. THE choice. The moment in which I decide that I am going to direct my energy in any particular or specific direction.
I think what most people miss, as evidenced by their questions, is that the push isn’t always towards a specific outcome. In fact, the most successful endeavors on my part are those where I set my mind to do something but release myself from the notion of what I’ll face at the end.
I might be a little too esoteric here, so let’s get real, shall we?
I decided that I wanted to finish a book of short stories to enter a contest. My efforts are not diminished, or wasted, based on the outcome of the contest. What I mean is that if I lose the contest, I will not feel like I shouldn’t have bothered. My goal wasn’t to enter and win a contest, though that would obviously be glorious. My goal was to simply enter a contest. Get 150 pages down and get that baby into the right hands. Whatever happens from that point forward is entirely out of my control.
I’ve talked about this historically, but based on this recent experience (and some other shit going on in the world), I’m apt to revisit. I think a lot of us, myself included, are hurt by something or someone, so we tend to seek out what might be a sure bet. If a result is uncertain, we fear wasting time. I hear this all the time. I’ve felt it, albeit less than others.
What if we go to that event and it rains, and then the day is ruined and we’ll have traveled for nothing?
What if I agree to that date and I don’t like the guy and then I’ve wasted my evening?
What if I start that series and I never get into it and I could have been starting something else?
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
I’ve never been afraid of the waste of it all, because I’m usually too buried to get to that point. Sure, there’s fear and hesitation, but the regret only comes later. Now I’m trying to skip that part altogether. Life is too short and all that business.
I’m not trying to jump back into your lives with some pathetic lessons learned lecture. I’m just trying to do that thing where I circle around a topic and then eventually get to the heart of the matter.
The issue, the center of this discussion, is that we reserve our hearts for the things that we can count on. I commend that practice, but also recognize that is just not the way the world works. I mean, it can, but then shit is very small. Our worlds are miniscule. Our desires are tiny; scaled to fit a universe with too many boundaries and too much red tape. We have to take changes. We have to jump in.
I think I’ve told you this before, but I tend to hold my nose when I jump into a deep body of water. You know what else I do? I raise my other hand to the heavens. It’s like oh shit, I’m gonna get water up my nose and this is scary, but also, let’s fucking goooooo. I know that sounds like I’m minimizing things, but I’m pretty sure that’s the only way to live life to the fullest.
I know, cheesy af. What happened to me whilst I was away?! It’s true though.
I have friends who won’t run races unless they can win or at least achieve a personal record. I have friends who won’t try recipes for fear they won’t come out perfectly. I have friends who won’t date someone unless they are reasonably positive it will be a long term scenario. I have friends who won’t move unless they think they will live in their new place forever. That all sounds smart, right? Reasonable. Measured. It doesn’t work though. That equation isn’t a good one. At all. It’s flawed in the most profound way. It doesn’t consider that you can enjoy things or learn from situations that don’t turn out nearly as you’d want them too.
I’ve run races where I’ve had a terrible time but still enjoyed myself (and humbled myself). I’ve failed at recipes but found something good along the way or at a minimum, had a good laugh. I look for red flags and try to get on top of the insanity earlier now, but I don’t rule someone out immediately. I try and understand what place they might fill in my life. What fun I might have. What part of myself I might uncover. I moved to my apartment and didn’t know anyone or anything. I had no idea if it would “work” but I wanted to try it. That worked out. Other choices have not. My commitment did not waiver because of a presumed outcome.
I’ve been massacred by people, by life, and I still roll the dice. I’m a little more cautious, but I don’t demand guarantees. I don’t look to people or the universe for answers to ‘why’. I find my own ‘why’ and then I move on, or move in, or do what feels right for me.
I took a break from here to dedicate myself to something I felt passionate about and whatever happens, I’m glad I made that choice. My joy comes from the trying, not the outcome. So, I’m back. Maybe I’ll have more followers one day. Maybe less. Maybe this message resonates and you’ll be back or maybe it doesn’t and you don’t want to waste your precious time. Either way, I’m grateful for the moments. Each and every one.
What would you do TODAY if you weren’t worried about the result?
Talk soon. Okay?
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 