I wasn’t going to write today. I decided that I was going to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) when the spirit moved me and I wasn’t sure if that day was today. Then, I started a brief messaging conversation with a friend about Shelby Houlihan.
Let me start with a few points that I find important right off the bat. One, I don’t care to debate anyone about their feelings as to whether or not Ms. Houlihan is telling the truth. Two, if you don’t know who Ms. Houlihan is, I would implore you to Google her as I am not going to expand upon her and the recent scandal in any meaningful way. Three, if you aren’t a fan of running (particularly higher-level running), you will not feel alienated by the content within this post because this is NOT about running. Not really.
Irrespective of my feelings about Shelby and her “truth”, I told my girlfriend that I felt sorry for her. As is the case with most normal conversing, my friend asked me why I felt that way. I get it. The question is more: if you believe someone is not being truthful and was hurt as a result of their fabrication, why do they elicit your compassion?
Great fucking question. Is it because I’m such a sad sack and I just feel sorry for people all the time for no real reason? Nope. Though I have been known to empathize with many a person for nary a legitimate reason. I am the person that feels tremendously connected to the feelings of others and honestly, tends to feel pain even when it may not be welcome or appropriate. I’m working on it, okay?
That wasn’t the situation with Ms. Houlihan. Okay, so why?! Right?! Let’s not build suspense to an unmanageable level. I’ll just tell you. Actually, I’m going to share verbatim what I wrote. Ready? Spoiler alert: you’ll find out how I really feel about the whole thing (remember, I don’t care to argue the point with anyone- I respect everyone’s feelings, whatever they are, and contend that I don’t have the full story and may never). Here it is: “Because she was so desperate that she cheated. To want something that bad to stoop. That’s really sad.”
I went on to say some other shit, but that’s not relevant here, so I’m going to stay on that particular point.
Let’s forget about whether Shelby actually cheated or if it was the burrito (I told you, fucking Google it). Let’s just imagine a scenario where we want something so badly that we are willing to do anything to get it, including sacrificing our sense of integrity and self. Yes, I know. It’s easy to condemn someone who does that thing to get what they want, but I’m here to tell you to not get too comfy on that high horse of yours. Perhaps you can’t contemplate doing (allegedly) what Ms. Houlihan did, but I guarantee you that you’ve done something. One thing. One little thing or one big thing or maybe many.
Don’t even fucking try it.
Have you ever seen the last of something and grabbed for it even though you know someone else will likely want it or someone else has expressed needing it? Have you ever omitted information to join something, finish something, or excel at something? Have you ever told someone what you think they want to hear in order to trigger the reaction you want instead of the one you know you might get in ordinary course? Have you ever stuck with someone who isn’t compatible with you (friend, partner, co-worker, study buddy) because it’s the only way for you to get to that place or thing that you can’t otherwise get to?
Maybe you have not ever done such a thing. I commend you. I really mean that. I can’t say that I’m on your side of the fence because I sure as shit have done those things and more. I’ve been dishonest, sheepish, and avoidant. I’ve pretended like it’s my J-O-B. I’ve convinced myself that it’s all in the name of that thing that is so important that everything else fails to measure up. I have. Mind you, I’ve changed quite a bit over the years. Not because I’m such a good person but because I destroyed my life. Yup. I scorched the earth around me and when faced to look at the rubble, I had no choice but to stay stuck and learn to like the taste of ash on my tongue, or make moves in the other direction (swiftly).
That’s right friends. I learned to do things differently because what I did before really did not work for me. I used to think that the sacrifices we make for the sake of that thing we want the most are always worth it. No matter what I had to do, it would all even out in the end. Nope. Not even close. That’s just not the way the world works. I mean, maybe for some, but also, probably not.
What does all of this mean? I’m a reformed shit head? Nope. I mean yes, but also, not really. It means that we have to step back to understand what’s really important. We have to make decisions that preserve our morals and ethics and sense of right and wrong. I’m not here to tell you what’s right and wrong. We probably have a whole different idea of that, you know? I’m just here to tell you to have a bottom line.
A real bottom line. A thick one. An immovable one. We can change. We should change. We should grow, always. But our bottom line? That’s gotta be something that sticks. That shit should not move as we move. We need something to tether ourselves to. We need something to look back on in the dark and go, oh shit, yeah. That’s where I started. That’s where I’m going back to. That’s what is important to me. That’s how I define myself. When that bottom line because hazy, then we start to float away. Not in a good, chill way. In the kind of way where you lose everything.
Because you do.
Lose everything.
Just saying.
Think on it.
x
L.
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